AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

I think FIL's cryptic message means he is leaving his estate to his son but wants him to "look after" his sister. If that is the case your husband should just vary his will to give his sister 50% of the estate and as such discharge that duty and treat his sister like an adult.

If my husband was leaving his money to his sister (not sure what % of the estate this represents) my money would be going straight to the kids and not to him to be passed on to his sister one day.

But even in that ridiculous scenario, DH just does a deed of variation to leave his sister whatever proportion of his inheritance from his father as he sees fit (even 100%) and stops swearing deathbed oaths and prancing around with his will like some Victorian paterfamilias.

This isn’t about the fil from my perspective it’s about your spineless husband

This.
To be honest I would be rethinking my marriage.

Your husband has his loyalties dictated to by his father.

Not moral, just a weak little man still answering to his father.

Total ick.

Your DH is silly to do this now because presumably SIL will inherit from her father and then not need to be left anything from your DH. I would worry that if he tells FIL he has put her in his will then your FIL will feel happy to leave all his money to the donkey sanctuary.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

How on earth has that been translated to leave your sister money in your will??.. what if your DH dies first, then FIL dies and leaves everything to her anyway? What a load of nonsense.

I suspect he means he is either leaving everything to your DH, and your FIL is wanting him to look after the sister with it, or it will be split upon his death but he still wants your DH to look after her if she needs it for his own peace of mind. Either way a simple 'okay dad' would have sufficed.

I'd be furious with this on behalf of your children, and would not have supported it at all, he needs to change his will back pronto, OR change the part about leaving something to his sister to be purely dependent on his father already having passed at the time DH's will is exectued.

You can even leave a bank account nominated to a person upon your death, open a bank account now with a nominal sum, and stipulate that the proceeds of that account go to only her (or you/children if she is deceased), obviously if his dad is deceased and DH has the money he can put it into that account in case anything happens to him.

So many options yet the one he is picked is the most stupid.

On the one hand, it is up to FIL and your DH what they do with their own money. On the other, I would lose all respect for a man who would put his own children's future at risk for his sister, who hasn't asked for help, on the basis that his dad thinks he should be 'the man of the family' and without proper discussion with me. It would make me question my whole marriage actually. I think I would speak to him again very clearly about what this says about his commitment to the family he chose to build, and ask that you revisit what this looks like as a family unit.

Your h needs a moral upright verbal slap for agreeing to help his sister before his wife and kids, even if you could manage without his money.
OP needs to consider that things change and they may not always have a good income due to life changes.
Fil and his being 'man of the family' needs to jog off too, your h is in effect still a boy or immature young man who will only become an adult when fil dies.
Great dynamic for your kids to learn there.

I agree I hate the "man of the family" phrase, when I've heard it used by women around my age divorcing their husbands, and telling their primary age sons they must be the man of the house, so it's not just your FIL's age-I have slightly less hatred for a man of his age using it to a grown man than a youngish woman using it for a child.
But I would just say exactly what you've said here, clearly, to the FIL when your husband is there-if he wants to help SIL, he should, rather than take money from your children.

So what if your DH dies before his Dad?

How also his son being the future man of the family cannot even outearn his wife? This whole patriarchy thing is so weird and only leave women more vulnerable than they were even before. So now the man of the family wants to merge his inheritance with his son and his wife family pot and de facto rob his DIL and the grandkids. What on earth

If neither of the men have discussed this with her, perhaps you could? I doubt she would like to think of herself as needing charity of this nature, given that she is an independent woman.

but why if the FIL believed in being the man of the family, he just left his own daughter now to live her humble life....and so she is proud. Of course she is proud and feminist because she sees that how mysoginistically her father is treating her, insisting he is some kind of man sustainer of the family when he really is not

That's better in a way because as you've said it will reduce in real terms as inflation rises, however if your financial circumstances change it is more risky and could leave you in a situation where you had to sell your home to release the cash to make the payment. You are a high earner now, but circumstances can change and if you have health issues in the future you may not be able to maintain your earning power. I think your DH is being ridiculous - he needs to speak to his DF about what provisions he will make for his daughter and get that will revised asap.

I haven’t read the thread because the opening post made me too mad. If dh is indeed a man of strong morals, then he has to say to his dad you’re the man of the family now and you do nothing for your daughter who struggles financially. I assume you mean for me to let her starve when you say be the man of the family.
and if he’s a weak man who just follows his dads orders, you say as the man of the family I think you should be paying at least half the bills and I’ve cut my contribution to the joint account, I know your dad would approve.
I cannot stand hypocrites, worst of all being married to one. I’d tell dh if he doesn’t stand up to his dad then I won’t support our family finances going to his sister; that’s not ethical, it’s just using your resources to benefit his family because having a backbone is harder.

Surely if FIL is wanting his own daughter ‘looked after financially’, why can’t FIL understand that another father would want to do the same for his offspring??

Depending on where you live there will be inheritance tax etc to consider - why isn’t FIL helping his daughter out while he’s still alive?

I hate wills and inheritances, it’s a pity your fil doesn’t think to help her own now! (I don’t usually think like this, I usually think ‘it’s their money etc’ but given his actions that’s horrendous!!

Sounds like the FIL is about to leave everything to his son (man of the family ffs) and leave the daughter out. Families are weird. If your DH's sister is older than him this may never arise anyway!

Your DH should just say “yes dad” and ignore his request.

Your DH is being ridiculous.

All he needs to say is 'Yes, Dad I will follow diligently in your footsteps'

Which means he does not give his sister a deposit while alive and, leaves his estate to his children.

In any case if things follow the natural course your SIL will presumably inherit half of anything FIL has left in his estate which may be enough to help her.

Has your DH actually written his Will? he should have, since he has Dc. If he is indeed a 'deeply moral man' he will provide for the children he brought into the world and has responsibility for. He has no business leaving that job to you. How deeply moral is that, for a man who made vows?

And your DH needs to consider what would happen if he had some horrible accident on the near future. People tend to think of wills as being for when they are v old - but they are most important for the unexpected earlier in life and when you have children.

But surely when FIL dies, if he has just left everything to your DH this can easily be solved with a deed of variation to the will, splitting it down the middle and giving half to the sister? This can easily be explained away to the sister as FIL left or to him as “the man” but told DH to “take care of his sister” which he is doing with the deed of variation? Without meaning to sound heartless, once FIL is gone your DH and sister can just split it and move on surely?

It’s not about the amount in a way - it’s a matter of principle. Your FIL is welcome to leave all his money to his daughter imo but he can’t have a say what to do with your family money.

Ha your solicitor is politely trying to say this is weird and unusual (which it is).

So dh dies 6 months later dsis dies so your kids inheritance then passes under her will to the cats home or whoever she chooses.

bonkers...goodness. So where then the FIL money goes to, to whom if your husband money goes to the sister also??