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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? DH’s drinking

35 replies

Oreoqueen87 · 27/04/2026 07:02

DH and I are at an impasse about his drinking and I really need some perspective.

DH has 1-3 beers every day without fail. I’m not too worried about the amount, it’s not excessive but it’s the how he’s drinking and the background.

For context, we don’t live in the UK, culturally it’s similar in many ways but there are way less pubs and alcohol is less present in everyday life. We are later in life parents, I’m mid forties and DH is 50.

My issue with DH’s drinking is that it’s always in front of our 7 year old boy, who idolises his dad. He will often crack open a beer at 3pm on the weekends, and have two or three as he’s pottering about the garden with DS.

When he gets home from work he’ll have opened a beer by 5pm, and have a couple of beers before DS goes to bed.

There have been a couple of weekend afternoons when DS’s friends have called in (with their parents!) and he’s been having a beer. That would be unusual here and I felt a bit uncomfortable.

He gets very defensive if I try broach it gently with him and says I’m being judgemental. His dad is a hardcore alcoholic, his brother was an alcoholic who died an alcohol related death two years ago and his entire family are heavy drinkers. I feel like he just doesn’t see how unhealthy it is for DS to see alcohol as part of his daily routine every single day. That dads always having a beer while he watches tv with him of an evening. He thinks I’m super controlling and uptight.

I genuinely would not care if he drank after DS went to bed at 7pm. Or it was a couple of times a week, a in the evening the other times. But he just won’t hear it at all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oreoqueen87 · 27/04/2026 10:38

ThejoyofNC · 27/04/2026 10:21

Concerning that you don't think drinking every single day is excessive. It really is. I'd tell him he's got to stop or I'm leaving.

I obviously think drinking every day is excessive. I said in my OP that I don’t think the amount is excessive, it’s the fact it’s every day and often in the daytime. 1-3 beers in one sitting is hardly a session, if he did that one or two evenings a week I would have no problem

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 27/04/2026 10:21

Concerning that you don't think drinking every single day is excessive. It really is. I'd tell him he's got to stop or I'm leaving.

Grapes308 · 27/04/2026 10:11

One of two things will happen if you stay in the situation as it stands. Either the drinking will get worse, exposing your son to witnessing their dad in a downward spiral, or it will stay the same and this type of drinking will be normalised for your son and he's more likely to hold similar attitudes when he's older. Your husband will not change unless he wants to, and right now he doesn't want to. You could suggest couples counselling? Does he know you have considered leaving?

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/04/2026 10:03

@Oreoqueen87

^did you have children in the mix and was it an issue them having contact?^

We have a daughter who was four at the time (now 15). I was "lucky" in certain respects (although it didn't seem like that at the time) in that my ex was too chaotic and selfish to care that much about contact. So my bet was that he wouldn't seriously fight me on this. Which turned out to be correct.

I can't really comment on the contact point.

I would strongly advise that if you're going to leave you do it sooner rather than later. My daughter was four when I asked him to leave and by and large she adapted well to the split. She now has a good relationship with him but doesn't really remember him living with us and doesn't remember the chaos and the drinking. I'm fairly sure it would have been significantly difficult if I'd left it five years.

Original poster
Oreoqueen87 · 27/04/2026 09:39

TalulahJP · 27/04/2026 08:59

could he be stressed because of work pressures or something ? if so and you can find out why is he stressed perhaos at trouble shared will help and you may have solutions hes not thought of.

sounds like hes thirsty. could you get cold water (fizzy or still) he likes - in beer sized bottles - and have refrigerated ready for drinking?

if he had some in between the beers to quench his thirst he might fill himself up with that and not have so much beer.

i’d focus on telling him youre not being judgy youre being health conscious. we need to be showing our child that drinking water is good for us and he will copy you. you dont want him reaching for beer to copy that do you! no i thought not, so dont be a bad example be a good one. and it’s cheaper and no calories, unlike beer, so it’ll be better for you too akd you can also enjoy a beer in between.

failing that i’d suggest low alcohol beer.

if he refuses to try and change i’d soon be off if he keeps drinking. i’ve been with two alcoholics. it’s a nightmare. they didn’t change no matter what, and my life became shit because of it. the expense, mess, drunken mistakes and anger. hell no. id never ever live with one again. sorry op

Thanks for your reply.

He’s not thirsty. Tbh I don’t really want him sitting around drinking mids with DS either, he’s never out of control and DS just sees it all as beer and his dad drinking.

He has the usual work stress but I do all the mental load etc plus a stressful job - I really cannot take any more stress off him in the hope he reins it in.

I’m sorry you’ve done that twice, that’s a lot to go through

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 27/04/2026 08:59

could he be stressed because of work pressures or something ? if so and you can find out why is he stressed perhaos at trouble shared will help and you may have solutions hes not thought of.

sounds like hes thirsty. could you get cold water (fizzy or still) he likes - in beer sized bottles - and have refrigerated ready for drinking?

if he had some in between the beers to quench his thirst he might fill himself up with that and not have so much beer.

i’d focus on telling him youre not being judgy youre being health conscious. we need to be showing our child that drinking water is good for us and he will copy you. you dont want him reaching for beer to copy that do you! no i thought not, so dont be a bad example be a good one. and it’s cheaper and no calories, unlike beer, so it’ll be better for you too akd you can also enjoy a beer in between.

failing that i’d suggest low alcohol beer.

if he refuses to try and change i’d soon be off if he keeps drinking. i’ve been with two alcoholics. it’s a nightmare. they didn’t change no matter what, and my life became shit because of it. the expense, mess, drunken mistakes and anger. hell no. id never ever live with one again. sorry op

Original poster
Oreoqueen87 · 27/04/2026 08:41

Thank you @44pumplaneand @PygmyOwl.

I am concerned. He’s never out of control, but it’s relentless. That he doesn’t see it as an issue when other people are uncomfortable (me, school parents, my family) is a big red flag, as is the fact that it’s not social drinking. I like a wine over a catch up with mates, but the point is the socialising. The point for him is the drinking.

My biggest worry is that the courts known are very ‘pro contact’ in this country. He would have to be seriously neglecting DS for them to remove contact - and as soon as he improves for a couple of months it will be reinstated. I know if leave he will get worse and DS will be constantly exposed to it. He’s also incredibly slack with things like unsupervised internet access, which I currently have to manage. He will 100% go for 50:50, he thinks he’s a great dad.

Added to this, DS is undergoing assessment for ADHD and is quite young/naive for his age.

I am wondering if I am better to get my ducks in a row and wait until DS is a bit older, and understand more about the situation. I’m going to have to tread very carefully.

@thepeopleversusworkdid you have children in the mix and was it an issue them having contact?

OP posts:
PygmyOwl · 27/04/2026 07:41

YANBU, unfortunately you can't force him though. He has to want to change.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/04/2026 07:36

I left a marriage in similar circumstances. My ex husband also had to drink every day and I couldn’t bear it. I desperately needed to have space and time in my marriage which didn’t involve alcohol and he couldn’t give that to me.

He is probably dependent, even if its under control (for now). If he’s not willing to confront the problem you need to take control of the situation.

You can’t rely on him to do it. Alcoholics aren’t in control of the relationship with alcohol and they can’t prioritise family over it. So don’t allow alcohol to be made more important in your marriage than you and your child.

44PumpLane · 27/04/2026 07:05

YANBU, it sounds like your DH is also an alcoholic (they don't have to be falling down drunk and downing a bottle of vodka daily)!

He's normalising every day alcohol consumption in front of your son, who is probably already more predisposed to addictive tendencies given the family background.

I would find this really worrying too OP.

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