AIBU? DH’s drinking

What? Who said that was ok?

But it's ok for women to have a bottle of wine every night?

I am in a very similar situation. I lived with an alcoholic as a teenager and it has really affected me. I do not want my daughter growing up around daily drinking. When I ask him why will say it’s just 1!!!! Like that’s an answer. He says that sometimes he is stressed. I told him that he’s dependent on alcohol and that he needs to stop. I absolutely hate it. Every now and then he goes out and binges, gets really bad beer fear the next day. I no longer care. He swears of alcohol for a couple of weeks then starts again. But apparently it’s not a problem 🙄

Quite apart from the (poor) social and role-modeling aspects, as others have also said the quantity your DH is drinking is well over the recommended amount. Perhaps encourage him to use an app to track the units, and he'd be faced with the stark reality of the extent of the drinking? Might be more receptive to the evidence than conversations with you to which he might have become resistant/irritable etc. It also takes your personal judgment out of the equation (for him) so harder to bat it away.

I'd be annoyed by that. Its the expectation that, for example, if there's an emergency you will be the one doing the driving if you had to take child to hospital. Or if you want to spontaneously go out all together you would have to do the driving. The mentality that "Its fine for me to be mildly inebriated all the time because she's holding the fort" kind of thing. Parenting should be a team effort - all of it. I wouldn't want an adult who'd had even a couple of drinks to be responsible for a young child.

He definitely has a problem.

What sort of number of units is he drinking a week? 2-3 beers is almost meaningless without knowing the strength. The free drinkaware app is great for keeping track.

My ex used to drink similar. But he liked scottish craft ales which were often 2.5-3 units each. 3 a night could be 8+ units = over 50 units a week.

I did leave due to this and increasing issues with behaviour/dv linked to alcohol. He didn't get as much as 50:50 but contact was still a nightmare and court couldn't care less about his abuse or drinking. However, the kids are far better off having one happy safe stable parent even if they aren't there all the time.

Does he ever hide alcohol to your knowledge? Or misrepresent how much he is drinking? In later stages my ex used to lie about how much he'd had.

Personally, the amount and frequency is less of an issue on the face of it for me than the fact that he seems unable to flex according to any change in situation. I like a drink and probably drink a small - medium glass of wine about 5 nights a week. BUT, if we go over to a muslim friend's house, I have no problem skipping the wine. If I have to drive to fetch the DC from activities, I skip the wine, and it's not a problem for me.

However, at this point, I don't think it's causing specific issues with your DH. I can see your DS being embarassed about it if it's not culturally normal as he gets older though.

Alcoholics are devious. A ban of alcohol will just mean he finds cunning ways of concealing his drinking. If indeed he is an alcoholic - has the amount escalated or remained steady? Does he hide alcohol? Has it always been just beer or has he added spirits to the mix?

I’d just put in a word of warning about banning booze from the house: my ex was an alcoholic and I can trace the descent into dependency back to the point where he started dropping into the pub on the way home from work and “a pint” became several. The other patrons at that time of day were also people using booze as a crutch. There was no one in there telling them to take it easy, they were all just reassuring each other that they were the normal ones.

You mention your DS is being assessed for ADHD. I would do a little research on alcoholism/addiction in people with ADHD - and question whether your DH (and his family) might also have ADHD. This could underly their attraction to - and developing dependence upon - alcohol. According to a source on this people with ADHD often rely on alcohol ‘to manage symptoms like chronic understimulation, high anxiety, restlessness, and intense emotions. Alcohol can act as a temporary, fast-acting fix that boosts dopamine and calms the "internal noise" of an ADHD brain, easing social discomfort’. This could be the case if your DH is undiagnosed and spends all day social masking only to come home and drink as part of his recalibration process.

At the moment 3 bottles a day is around 35units a week, so well above the healthy recommendations for men in the UK (may be different where you are) but if DH is possibly self-medicating against undiagnosed ADHD, then seeking assessment and medicated pathways may enable him to find other strategies to address the underlying feelings/sensations that have him reaching for a cold one the moment he walks through the door.

Yep, I think it may be a case where sitting and having a serious discussion may hopefully make those plans stick in the future.

In the past, I had my partner sit me down and say he was concerned about how much I was drinking, and also highlighted how much it could impact my son, which shocked me into making necessary changes.

If it is still not received, it really needs to be tough love. A blanket ban on alcohol in the house (only allowed for social events) and if he cant respect that, then he will need to move elsewhere until he can.

Honestly, if drinking is not an "issue" or a problem, he shouldn't have any hang ups about doing this - if he does, there is his answer.

Between 1-3 beers a day is well over the recommended units of alcohol per week and the fact he drinks daily is an issue especially as it seems it’s the first thing he does when he gets home

you need to acknowledge that fact not say you don’t have a problem with the units he drinks daily, it is a problem

if he won’t do anything about it, and alcoholism runs in his family then you either accept that, and no doubt he will start to drink more, or you do something about it, including telling him you will leave if he doesn’t seek help

Would get legal advice and plan to separate sooner rather than later.

You’d be U to seek for your ex to have low contact with DS but not U to seek something like every other weekend and one weekday evening.

DS is 7 so can communicate verbally, make phone calls, get help.

It’s not a given that your ex’s drinking would worsen should you break up, but it could do.

my friend went through this but her H drank more, frequently very drunk. She waited until DC was 5 so DC could communicate when alone with their dad. Court in the UK didn’t regard the drinking to be of concern regarding overnights every other weekend. Her ex then didn’t seek much time with DC post break up, his drinking escalated and that was his priority. DC saw him one schoolnight each week and one weekend day every other weekend.

Your DH is drinking between approximately 35 and 56 units of alcohol per week, depending on the size of the bottle/can and the strength of the beer. The NHS guidelines are 14 units per week. He's an alcoholic whether he can see it or not.

You're not in the UK. What is 'a beer' in this context? If it's a tiny bottle of weak lager then the health risk is slight while the messaging to your son isn't great but hardly extreme. If they're litres of strong Belgian then his health is in danger and it's an awful example to set.

Either way it's reasonable to ask him to be mindful of the optics for your child. Any behaviours that set children on an unhealthy path are to be avoided, that includes things like smoking and overeating.

If this is the only reason for leaving your husband it looks like overreaction, especially as you aspire to no contact. The harm of seeing a couple of after work beers seems far less than the harm of being deprived of his father. You are also in your son's life and have agency to shape his development, we can't isolate our children from negative examples but we can educate them.

How does he talk about his father and brother's drinking, OP? Has he ever read anything about alcoholism, would he read anything you send him (from one of the organisations out there for support) or would he just get defensive?

Edited to add: if you could find information talking about the normalisation of drinking to children and the effects on them, and also the link between ADHD and addictive behaviour/alcohol dependency, would he sit up and listen, given its about your son?

Are you in the US perchance? There will be different cultural views re: drinking. It almost sounds as you're more worried about what others think than what you truly think?

Yes, drinking daily is a concern, especially when it turns into a habit/need.

E.g. how would he truly feel if there were no beers in the house, the shops were closed and you had been preoccupied as a family all day?

I think you need to sit down and voice your concerns around the fact that alcoholism runs in his family, and he is already genetically at risk of developing this too.

It always starts as "one or two", then months/years later when that no longer helps, it will increase further.

Suggest to him to cut down to a more manageable level of drinking - I think they usually suggest having at least 3-4 non drinking days per week, preferably, in a row.

He could have a couple on Friday and Saturday, have a break Sunday-Tuesday and have one or two midweek on a Wednesday?

At least he has a break in between, but if he does just genuinely enjoy a drink, at least he has time at the weekend and mid week to enjoy them?

I would also put in a rule that any drinking is to happen once your child goes to bed (unless it's social like a BBQ or gathering etc)

Writing these suggestions as someone who used to have a drinking problem and has cut right down. I used to have about 5 bottles of wine per week, but I now only have 1 bottle on a Friday/Saturday night.