To not agree to DC traveling alone with my husband

Playdoughy · 2026-04-26T21:26:56+00:00

Our dc is 3.5yo and has a great relationship with DH, they play, he looks up to him, he adores him. However my dh is not exactly a textbook responsible parent and he is not even aware of it... I will just say he'd happily put ds in the back of a car without a car seat (I always have to argue not to allow this), he has no clue about what he can or cannot eat (ds is not allergic to anything, I am taking e.g. not bothering to slice grapes and leaving him alone in the room to eat a full bowl even when he was very little.) He never even bothered to watch a 3 minute first aid video, he leaves ds walking behind him in public places while he is checking the phone... I am super vigilant and these situations drive me crazy. I have never left my ds not even for a short work trip exactly because of this. DH now insists of visiting his family abroad with ds alone. Ds knows them only over the phone camera (dh and his parents have had a hot/cold relationship and finally it is warm enough for him wanting them to meet DS). They are ok and responsible people but also old and tired. I just worry about my ds safety if this short trip (few nights) goes ahead. I already expressed I am not keen and dh obviously got very upset, mumbles how I don't allow his child to meet grandparents... And yes he insists he goes without me because of their complex relationship. I wish I can just say plain no but that doesn't seem fair to him either... Plus he'd retaliate not allowing me to travel alone with kids in future (as i did before, but dh chose not to go - he was invited and included in the plans.). I don't know if I am unreasonable, unfair or should just listen to my gut even if he really is upset.

Noshadelamp · 27/04/2026 07:59

Tell your DH te only way your three ye old is meeting their grandparents in another country is with you there.
He's being completely unreasonable to expect otherwise.

Ally886 · 27/04/2026 07:47

DaisyChain505 · 27/04/2026 01:54

YABU just for still being married and attracted to such a pathetic excuse of a man and father. I wouldn’t be able to still find someone attractive or even like being around someone as lazy and incompetent as this.

If they separate she will have even less control. If anything that would be worst case, surprised you didn't think your sentiment through.

Unfortunately she literally cannot stop him. She could also die tomorrow and he will be his son's main carer.

It's a situation that's heading in one direction and that is OPs DH taking their child to Europe whether they're married or not

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 27/04/2026 07:19

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:39

The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

Play stupid games win stupid prizes....

If he is as unsafe as you say and family is enmeshed / toxic this us highly unlikely.

If he is doing this I'd accompany him no matter what arseholes his parents are id endure it.

personally i'd be insisting I had a change of heart. Family is important.... lets go together... I'd stfu, smile, promise to be nice to his family and actually do it.

AnotherName2025 · 27/04/2026 06:54

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:39

The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

What makes you think she'd call it out ?

she's more likely yi back her useless sin if she doesn't even want you there.

youd be mad to let DS go.

Radarqueen · 27/04/2026 06:50

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 00:23

If you were divorced and splitting care 50/50 you would have no say over how he parents in his time.

why are you with your partner if you can’t trust him to look after his own child? At some point you have to stop being controlling over it and let him parent his way (but not the car seats! )

I think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety/control over the care of your child, I don’t think its normal to be like this.

As for visiting the parents, I don’t think you should take away your child's possible only chance of meeting their grandparents

Weird, weird take. She's describing some very basic safety stuff.

AnotherName2025 · 27/04/2026 06:50

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 00:17

Omg :( that is horrible :(

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Yes, all were horiffic. Mn was much smaller in those days & we 'knew' each other (online at least). There have been others since, but as it's so huge now it's recall specific posters/threads.

there's no way he'd (dc) would be going without me. DH's relationship with his parents is terrible obviously, but the fact is, he's putting them before you. I'd tell him to go & stay there!!

I'd also make sure DS could not leave the country without ms.

SwatTheTwit · 27/04/2026 06:45

The car seat situation would be enough for me not to trust him, to be honest. That’s a non negotiable.

But frankly I’d be too weirded out that he wouldn’t want me there when visiting his parents. That would certainly make a dent in our relationship.

Allaboutthegirliguess · 27/04/2026 06:44

Is he slack because youre around and he knows you keep your son safe. Surely if hes alone at an airport he would be attentive.

Could you not travel with him but stay in a hotel nearby?
I know some countries are slack in child seats, or the child being strapped in. Its not good!.
Try to work together to find a compromise.

Morepositivemum · 27/04/2026 06:40

Playdoughy
The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

Op whatever happens you need to look at this relationship- from both sides-he needs to be doing more and I wouldn’t be thrilled with my dh saying he’ll ‘allow’ me to do certain things, a child is supposed to have two parents who talk things out and compromise-can you not go too?

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/04/2026 06:40

DaisyChain505 · 27/04/2026 01:54

YABU just for still being married and attracted to such a pathetic excuse of a man and father. I wouldn’t be able to still find someone attractive or even like being around someone as lazy and incompetent as this.

But she certainly doesn’t want him to have unsupervised contact!! It’s a no while he doesn’t care about your child’s life and he can grump as much as he fucking wants. Say I’m happy to phone your mother and explain, and sit him down and show him some stats on children in car accidents and car seat va not car seat and say very clearly some crazy driver could tbone you any time- every time you say something showing you don’t care about a car seat, you are telling me our dcs life isn’t that important. If that's what you think you should leave and never ever come back and never try to see them, because they should never ever know their dad couldn’t be arsed to do some basic parenting.

JennyForeigner · 27/04/2026 06:34

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:39

The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

She wouldn't. If he is behaving like this, it's because he has learned it is OK. He'll just come back with a bagfull of 'my parents think you are overreacting' and they'll bond on outgrouping you as the problem.

JennyForeigner · 27/04/2026 06:30

If you are super vigilant it is because he has made you be. You shouldn't let him take your son away, but also, you just shouldn't take it anymore.

DaisyChain505 · 27/04/2026 01:54

YABU just for still being married and attracted to such a pathetic excuse of a man and father. I wouldn’t be able to still find someone attractive or even like being around someone as lazy and incompetent as this.

Original poster

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:39

The only reason why I am inclined to allow this trip is because a part of me really wants his mother to witness all this and call him out...

OP posts:

Original poster

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:35

He is simply immature and no - there were no signs of this before we had children. Perhaps the fact that he never took care of a living creature not even a plant could have been a giveaway but I wasn't seeing it...

OP posts:

365GelatoDaysAYear · 27/04/2026 01:34

sounds like OP is anxious because husband is not a helpmate but a big child
she is right to hold the reins till he mans up or the child is older

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 01:33

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:31

Our ds goes to nursery and is left with strangers 5 days a week. They are professionals as will be the teachers etc...

Yes my anxiety is through the roof, and I think any mother would be the same if dh consistently insists to just pop into a random cab with a baby, later toddler simply sitting next to him, and not bother ordering the one with the car seat or bringing the carseat along.
From his point of view we only have a car seat in our car because I told him it is legally required - yes he check every few months with me do we still really need it - he literally does not care to even know the legal requirements for driving a child in a car.

He is also no stranger to playing with or tickling ds while he is eating - he says he loves it (ofcourse he does but that doesn't make it ok) and when I ask him to stop he says that I am worried for nothing and spoiling all the fun.

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then you should be asking yourself why you are still with this man?

apart from sending your anxiety through the roof. What is he actually bringing to the relationship.

you shouldn’t have to be living your life like this

Original poster

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:31

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 01:06

last time I checked…

I said the car seat was unacceptable. What more do you want blood?

The OP has worked herself into this anxious state. i’m sorry I don’t know what else you want me to call it, I’m trying to be kind with what I say.

no harm came to the child re the grapes, we know this cos there would be no post. These things have pushed the OP to point blank not trust her husband to be a parent. Surely you can see that this has come to an unacceptable point. I hate to say this but how is he expected to learn to care for his child properly if he isn’t allowed to care for the child.

thats my point. I’m sorry but the child will need to start school soon, how will the OP cope with leaving the child at school with unknown teachers if she can’t even trust her husband to the point she won’t allow anyone else to care for the child. Surely you see that is slightly unhinged and not workable long term.

not dealing with the issue is not going to fix it

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Our ds goes to nursery and is left with strangers 5 days a week. They are professionals as will be the teachers etc...

Yes my anxiety is through the roof, and I think any mother would be the same if dh consistently insists to just pop into a random cab with a baby, later toddler simply sitting next to him, and not bother ordering the one with the car seat or bringing the carseat along.
From his point of view we only have a car seat in our car because I told him it is legally required - yes he check every few months with me do we still really need it - he literally does not care to even know the legal requirements for driving a child in a car.

He is also no stranger to playing with or tickling ds while he is eating - he says he loves it (ofcourse he does but that doesn't make it ok) and when I ask him to stop he says that I am worried for nothing and spoiling all the fun.

OP posts:

365GelatoDaysAYear · 27/04/2026 01:23

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 01:06

last time I checked…

I said the car seat was unacceptable. What more do you want blood?

The OP has worked herself into this anxious state. i’m sorry I don’t know what else you want me to call it, I’m trying to be kind with what I say.

no harm came to the child re the grapes, we know this cos there would be no post. These things have pushed the OP to point blank not trust her husband to be a parent. Surely you can see that this has come to an unacceptable point. I hate to say this but how is he expected to learn to care for his child properly if he isn’t allowed to care for the child.

thats my point. I’m sorry but the child will need to start school soon, how will the OP cope with leaving the child at school with unknown teachers if she can’t even trust her husband to the point she won’t allow anyone else to care for the child. Surely you see that is slightly unhinged and not workable long term.

not dealing with the issue is not going to fix it

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teachers are trained
husband apparently has refused to learn
child is not a learning prop
'did not choke' is just good luck
you are wildly overreading
discussion is not about dayschool or even boarding school
it is about an overseas trip
are you female? (sorry, maybe that is what you checked...I thought you were checking the OP)

Original poster

Playdoughy · 27/04/2026 01:12

HaveCreditWillShop · 27/04/2026 00:26

I don’t like the sound of it. I also don’t see how his complex relationship with them means you don’t travel. This doesn’t stack up and I wouldn’t let him go. Children disappear in cases like this.
if your gut says no, then don’t allow it.
im saying this as someone who let my husband take my eldest snowboarding in France last month, I am not against dads travelling with children as a principle, but what you’ve said put the frighteners on me.

I know, and I cannot pinpoint exactly what I think may happen but the whole situation doesn't fill me with trust.
Even if there is absolutely no hidden agenda here , what if they simply fall out again while they are there...how uncomfortable may conversations go, where is my ds while they are arguing...

OP posts:

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 01:06

365GelatoDaysAYear · 27/04/2026 00:52

It is not OP's anxiety to want the car seat in the car. Did you notice her husband left his child alone when young with choking hazards...a full bowl of grapes?
Are you female?
All very Yellow Wallpaper, this insistence on 'anxiety'.

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last time I checked…

I said the car seat was unacceptable. What more do you want blood?

The OP has worked herself into this anxious state. i’m sorry I don’t know what else you want me to call it, I’m trying to be kind with what I say.

no harm came to the child re the grapes, we know this cos there would be no post. These things have pushed the OP to point blank not trust her husband to be a parent. Surely you can see that this has come to an unacceptable point. I hate to say this but how is he expected to learn to care for his child properly if he isn’t allowed to care for the child.

thats my point. I’m sorry but the child will need to start school soon, how will the OP cope with leaving the child at school with unknown teachers if she can’t even trust her husband to the point she won’t allow anyone else to care for the child. Surely you see that is slightly unhinged and not workable long term.

not dealing with the issue is not going to fix it

365GelatoDaysAYear · 27/04/2026 00:52

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 00:47

But in this situation, the OP is there and being primary parent and not allowing ‘DH’ to parent. We are judging him based off the OP’s anxiety, rightly or wrongly he is isn’t being allowed to be the active parent at any point.

its a sad situation & it needs to be rectified, not least because as the child gets older this anxiety the OP has is going to burn her out. This is the real issue here.

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It is not OP's anxiety to want the car seat in the car. Did you notice her husband left his child alone when young with choking hazards...a full bowl of grapes?
Are you female?
All very Yellow Wallpaper, this insistence on 'anxiety'.

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 00:47

365GelatoDaysAYear · 27/04/2026 00:32

Child trailing unnoticed behind parent who is checking phone in a country child does not know..

That is what is unreasonable. Impermissible.

Anxiety, bollox.

Presumably long term plan is wait a few years till child is bigger and can speak up for itself.

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But in this situation, the OP is there and being primary parent and not allowing ‘DH’ to parent. We are judging him based off the OP’s anxiety, rightly or wrongly he is isn’t being allowed to be the active parent at any point.

its a sad situation & it needs to be rectified, not least because as the child gets older this anxiety the OP has is going to burn her out. This is the real issue here.

365GelatoDaysAYear · 27/04/2026 00:32

Sensiblesal · 27/04/2026 00:23

If you were divorced and splitting care 50/50 you would have no say over how he parents in his time.

why are you with your partner if you can’t trust him to look after his own child? At some point you have to stop being controlling over it and let him parent his way (but not the car seats! )

I think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety/control over the care of your child, I don’t think its normal to be like this.

As for visiting the parents, I don’t think you should take away your child's possible only chance of meeting their grandparents

Child trailing unnoticed behind parent who is checking phone in a country child does not know..

That is what is unreasonable. Impermissible.

Anxiety, bollox.

Presumably long term plan is wait a few years till child is bigger and can speak up for itself.

sittingonabeach · 27/04/2026 00:31

I would be like this with DH if he had ever thought letting DC go in a car without a car seat was acceptable parenting.