Update on previous post from yesterday

I think it’s hard to rebuild a marriage when one or both of you have fallen out of respect for the other one. I don’t know if I am projecting (have had my own experience there) but I felt like I was reading that from your post today.

I am the child of a second marriage. My sister is 16 years older than me, and she doesn’t much like my mum. I think she always thought my mum was at fault for her parents’ separation, although I’ve always been told they were already separated when my parents met. (I’m aware that I may not have the full picture!)

I have a full, rich and happy life. I’m married with a gorgeous child who’s the apple of the family’s eye (my sister included). It’s been tricky navigating the family dynamic at times, and I am sure my sister has felt left out at times. But she and I have a good relationship, and that’s been possible irrespective of how she feels about my parents.

When the dynamic has been tricky, I’ve never felt my parents were being selfish by bringing me into it. To the contrary, I am incredibly grateful for my life and family, warts and all.
If you don’t want to continue with the pregnancy, that is a legitimate choice and I am 100% passionately pro choice. But I wanted to share my experience and perspective, as I think you may be spiralling.

I really wish you well. Thinking of you.

Your husband can't make his children like or accept you. However, what he should be doing is dispelling any notion that you were the cause of his marriage breakdown or 'stopped' him from reconciling with his ex-wife. His children are older, and perfectly capable of hearing that information and understanding it. Now, it's entirely possible his ex was looking to reconcile with your husband, and him meeting you scuppered her plan. That's neither your fault or responsibility.

He should also be ensuring that his children are at the very least polite and courteous to you, whilst in your home. That's basic manners, and to be anything different is deliberately being rude and obnoxious. They then should be called out on the behaviour, and have consequences for it.

It should be down to you when you felt comfortable in telling his children regarding the pregnancy, and he should be supporting your decision.

I think it will do you good to have some space. Please don't make rash decisions. You are upset, fearful and full of hormones, none of that equates to rational, sensible decision making.

Please seek support from your midwife, as a matter of urgency.

OP, I got pregnant at 40 and my head was an absolute mess for most of my pregnancy. I was convinced the baby would be born disabled through something I'd done, I thought about terminating every day I could, despite DD being totally wanted and the day I gave birth, my head cleared. Honestly, hormones can be so, so powerful in affecting your mood and the fact you've apparently decided all this overnight sounds powerfully like they are messing with your head and you probably wouldn't think like this if you weren't pregnant.

Just take a breath. Go to your parents and allow yourself some grace to just sit with your thoughts for a while. A father can be an ephemeral thing but a mother is the rock. You sound like you would be a wonderful mother. All the very best with your decision but please please talk to your midwife and get some proper mental support xxx

Absolutely get some counselling but you wanted this baby just two days ago. Don’t predicate such a serious decision and one you might regret, on three selfish teenagers.

In a few short years they will be different people and their relationship with their father will be different as they will be independent.

Your baby doesn’t need a relationship with much older half-siblings if they don’t want it, it isn’t the law.

Nobody knows what will affect us in years to come regardless of our circumstances.

Dump the DH, keep the baby.

I didn’t read your other thread so my opinion is purely based on this one.

I think if you’re not happy in the relationship, then leave.

I think you’ve done the right thing by going to your parents.

Being a step parent is incredibly difficult but having a blended family is even harder.

If you already have issues, then it could make the issues you have even worse.

I think the only thing you need to decide is whether you want a baby or not.
Would you want to be a single parent and would you choose having a baby over your relationship.

Once you decide that, then you can figure out your relationship but honestly I’d give it a few months at least.

Give yourself a few days to weigh up whether you want the baby.
Take the relationship out of it right now.

After all the negativity on your thread yesterday, you are brave to start another thread on here. Posting on Mumsnet when you are feeling fragile is a bad idea,

I wish you all the very best. 💐

OP please slow down and take some time. Pregnancy is really hard and emotional, and pretty much everyone starts freaking out asking what on earth have they done when they are having their first and telling everyone and it becomes real.

If your relationship is good why not try work this out together rather than unilaterally making some very big decisions very quickly?

Please don't make a rash decision on your pregnancy. You are very vulnerable when pregnant and hormones have a huge effect. Take time to think this through properly. If you wanted this baby so much before, strangers on the internet not living your life or knowing any nuances shouldn't make you feel you aren't ready to be a mum.

Yesterday you were so happy and excited about your pregnancy. I hope some time away will give you some time to thin,k and you will be able to see your owns needs and wants more clearly.

Your circumstances may not be perfect. However, I do not think very many babies are born into the absolute perfect situation. Most people worry about something. It might be their age, their financial situation, their existing children, their housing, their parents, their education,health problems etc. If you want this baby then please do not end your pregnancy. You can bring up your baby as a single Mum if necessary.

In five years time your step children will hopefully be off having brilliant, independent adult lives. Your DH will always be their Dad, he will always be on the other end of the phone and a safe place for them to come home to. However once they have left home they will need much less day to day input and involvement from him.

I wish you so much peace, clarity and luck in whatever you decide to do next.

For what it's worth I don't think your husband is being selfish at all op. Please don't give too much weight to Internet comments.

I wouldn't worry about the kids exams either. I think people pointing that out are being overly dramatic. Life doesn't have neat and perfect timing, and that is ok.

I didn't see your thread yesterday but it seems that you need a bit of time and distance to put things into perspective, leaving for a while seems to be the best option, perhaps give it a week and see how you feel?

Please understand that people on here are not always giving opinions in your best interest, they are often clouded by their own personal circumstances and experiences. Even when they mean well, they aren't living your life, so it will only lead to more confusion.. none of these people will be there for you once you decide the path of your life, so stepping away is a good idea, and concentrating on the real people in your life who will, or will not be, there for you going forward.

That's a problem though. If people start telling you your partner who you are about to have a baby with is a piece of shit it is likely to lead to your own MH spiralling don't you think? I wish people would be more thoughtful as we only have a snapshot of what is going on. I don't suppose he's perfect but op wasn't considering leaving him this time yesterday.

Op I agree with other posters, you've done the right thing in taking time for yourself but don't make any permanent major decisions right now as your mental health doesn't sound like it's in a good place. Let the dust settle a bit before you decide what to do next.

My DH will openly admit he was horrible to his stepmum. Her children were born when he was in his mid - late teens. 20-odd years on he has a lovely relationship with his half siblings, something probably more like an uncle than a big brother. He’s the one they come to for advice if they are having boyfriend / girlfriend problems. They are great with our kids, again their relationship is more like cousins than auntie / uncle. Things can be really difficult in the early years for you, especially when combined with the worst of the teenage years for stepkids. As they grow up and head off to uni, work etc things can change for the better.

I thought you sounded like such a kind person in the other thread. Please remember that this baby will have two parents who love them, as well as support from Aunts, uncles and grandparents. That is enough.The siblings may or may not come around, or they may always love their sibling even if they're not that close to you.

I know step kids who certainly came around as adults. Teenage feelings aren't forever. And they'll be out of the house in a few years.

Please get some counselling asap.

Whilst you SOUND completely rational, you do sound a little detached as well OP. You talked about how much your miscarriages affected you and how much you want to be a mum, and i think you are in danger of making a decision about this pregnancy that you will deeply regret in the future.

I'm going to be brutal and point out your age. There will be a pile on about older mothers in a moment, but I'm going to say it, 38 is a good age to have a baby - I had my second at 38 - but it doesn't get easier as you get older.

You need to separate this pregnancy from your relationship with your step-children and the place your marriage is in. You really do. Being upset becuase you can't see your marriage working DOES NOT MEAN you are not capable of being a fantastic parent. On the contrary, you are showing that you have boundaries and are prepared to exercise them.

FWIW - I also think you need to lay it all out for your DH. All your thoughts, fears and considerations. But at the end of it all - being a mother is your choice and nobody else's.

Very brave of you to post again OP, AIBU is notorious for bullying and some of the nasty responses on your thread yesterday made me wince. I don't know why people enjoy kicking someone when they're down. As PP said, boredom and alcohol probably play their part.

Having some space with your parents sounds like a really good move for now. Please don't rush into any decisions just yet. 💐

OP please please press pause for a few days and don't do anything rash.

You're full of pregnancy hormones, you're feeling unsupported and upset. Your DH is probably in shock and tensions will be running extremely high. You've taken a very big step in leaving to go to stay with your parents.

The reality is that in a couple of years your DH's children will not be around in nearly the same way. Once they leave to go to University/live independently they won't have a daily impact on your lives (or even necessarily a weekly/monthly impact). I didn't read your previous thread but I would think very carefully about leaving a relationship where you love your DH and are otherwise compatible just because of teenage step children.

I agree ,please don’t do anything hasty ,I think the teenage SC need to understand the consequences of their behaviour towards you ,this could be a turning point for you all nd hopefully a positive one.

I read your post yesterday but didn’t comment. Take time to decide what you want without pressure from your dh or sc.

As others have said speak to your midwife. The very fact, that you think you wont make a good mum, makes me think you will be an excellent one, if that is the road you choose.

❤️❤️

Unless the last thread took a drastic turn, it was the dad posters were condemning not the op.

family and friends all know about the pregnancy and he hasn’t told his 18 year old or twin 15 year olds that f I remember the ages correctly, and the chances are they are going to find out by someone else during their very important exams.

it’s him that was being criticised for not thinking about his children in this.

Make your decision for yourself, not your husband, and please see the midwife.

OP if you are seriously thinking of leaving DH then there is even less reason to terminate this healthy pregnancy (and I really don’t think there’s any to in the first place). It’s great you’ve gone to your mums, please ask to speak to your midwife urgently and for a referral to the mental health team. It’s so important you talk this through with a professional.

Sorry you are feeling so low OP. I agree, take some time and don’t make any rash decisions. A friend once gave me some good advice. How might things look/how might you feel in a week, a month, a year? Wishing you the best.

I saw at least some of your thread yesterday but didn’t comment. I had some shared experiences which I will share below but I am also a midwife and have been through some similar spirals when pregnant. Please be incredibly kind to yourself and make no big decisions right now. Seek some help and do what is right for you when you feel more settled.

I am a child from a blended family, my dad went on to have two more marriages and in his third marriage, had 3 children. I was 17 when the first was born. He told my big brother and I without his partner there which I think was right because there was an emotional blip to sort out within myself. Sure being a blended family isn’t easy but I have adored all of the children, none are half to me, they are just my siblings. I have had some step-child treatment at times but also lovely treatment and am grown up enough to see us all as fallible humans. Funnily enough, they had their third when I was having my first so my son and brother are only 3 months apart. My dad was very sheepish when he told me about that one because their 3rd was unplanned and they were worried I would be cross about my thunder being stolen. I thought it was hilarious and my son and brother are best friends.

Now, I have a 13 and 12 year old from my first marriage and a 2 year old from my second marriage. I am 33 weeks with my fourth but at the beginning of my pregnancy my eldest was going through a tough adolescent time and told me that he hated living with a toddler and was considering going to live with his dad. He was devastated to share this with me because we are so close and I was devastated that I’d made life choices that impacted him so heavily. My children are my absolute priority and I couldn’t reconcile it at all. I went into a deep spiral and was ready to terminate this pregnancy, which would no doubt also end my marriage. I took some time before making that big decision, just a couple of weeks that I set myself and had some therapy. I was honest with my husband and he is a wonderful person who gave me grace. I posted on here and had my arse handed to me on a plate but I agreed with every word and thought I was the most terrible person. My son was just having a moment an off couple of months, is back to being obsessed with his toddler sister and can’t wait for a new potato to be born. He’s on and off interested in the little one(s) and I don’t take it in the same enormous way I did previously. My 12 year old is beyond obsessed with the little one(s) and they are all so adorable together, most of the time.

Blended families are hard and I remember yesterday you giving so much grace to the children and firmly putting yourself in the position of the emotionally mature adult whilst they were still developing people. I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and I think this is an excellent attitude.

Please, take some time, be kind to yourself. Remember, these things usually work out. It sounds like you love your husband and want this baby with him. It sounds like you have love and patience for your step-children so can allow them to develop the relationship that is right for them with you, their dad and their sibling. You sound like you want to be a mother.

Hope things work out for you 💐
Everyone deserves the opportunity to find peace of mind and happiness.