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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not to remind co-parent about parents evening.

45 replies

Peacho · 26/04/2026 20:37

I have recently posted about co-parent not paying agreed maintenance - not a penny this year despite numerous reminders.
This week DC has parents evening at school. School shares all information via email to both of us, so if he checks his emails, he will know. I also screen-shot him a message about it last month. Last week I was contacted by the SENCO asking for a meeting this week regarding making a referral for DC for ADHD - DC ticks all the boxes. I agreed to the meeting and acknowledged that co-parent has been copied in on the email and would probably attend if possible.
I have not heard anything from him after this.
So AIBU not to send him any further correspondence regarding the ADHD assessment or parents evening. I have given up on the maintenance and considering going to cms, even though he is self employed.
DC is used to him being useless and I am so fed up of being the one who is organising everything and paying for everything for DC :(

OP posts:
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TheDenimPoet · 26/04/2026 22:29

YANBU. He gets the emails just like you do. It's bad enough having to be responsible for everyone's schedule when you're with a man, never mind still having to do it when you've broken up!

Puddleduck2013 · 26/04/2026 22:10

I wouldn’t, did enough PAing when we were married. Like hell I’d continue to do it post divorce. He’s a an adult who has exactly the same comms as you.

NoSoupForU · 26/04/2026 22:04

If he wasn't receiving the information independently then I'd say you're being petty.

But he's receiving it in the same way and at the same time you are. You're not his PA and he's capable of choosing to prioritise his child's needs in the same way you are.

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 26/04/2026 22:02

My XH had a rant as he missed a parents evening..... told him l stopped doing "wife work" the day he left for the OW.

In fairness he did improve massively and has been a good Dad since.

Original poster
Peacho · 26/04/2026 22:00

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2026 21:52

Sometimes it’s beneficial to the child jot to have dickhead, non-involved parent at things like parents evening, esp if it’s a short session. So easily used up by said numpty asking questions they should know the answer to.

And same re important medical things like ADHD assessment. You don’t want someone who barely knows your child there.

Idk I have at times not reminded exh about things if I think it might be better if he didn’t come - sometimes he remembers and sometimes not. If I think it’s important to the kids I might remind him.

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Thank you, you make some very good points. Dc only goes to their Dad EOW, and sometimes that gets cancelled, or it turns out he's not even there. Dc thinks their Dad doesn't understand them - they are quite quirky and their Dad is quite right wing.
At Primary school ex always came across as a bit of a twat, asking questions such as 'where is DC compared to everyone else in the class' - both me and the teacher always agreed it wasn't helpful to make comparisons with other kids.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2026 21:53

itsmeits · 26/04/2026 21:32

I wouldn't ask DD to remind him. It isn't for the current or past women in his life to remind him of anything.
If DD text him off her own back asking him to be there as she wanted him there. That is different.
I also wouldn't remind him he has a calendar and has had the same communication as you.

Then I may be biased as my Ex kicked off as I didn't remind him of his dads bday. Split 4/5 years at that point. He had the childrens names and DOBs as tattoos and still missed bdays.

That’s hilarious

JustAnotherMumTho · 26/04/2026 21:53

I wouldn’t remind him. I used to remind my ex of everything, it became too much trying to manage my own life as well as having to constantly remind him about his. The way I see it now is that he receives exactly the same communication as I do. I get told by the school about parents evening etc and then it’s on me to meet my responsibilities and remember to go - no one reminds me and I don’t see why it should be any different for him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2026 21:52

Nickyknackered · 26/04/2026 20:39

You're supposed to love your child more than you hate your ex.

Put her first and remind him. If he still doesnt come then thats on him but she deserves to feel loved and supported by both parents. Be the bigger perosn for her and her future.

Sometimes it’s beneficial to the child jot to have dickhead, non-involved parent at things like parents evening, esp if it’s a short session. So easily used up by said numpty asking questions they should know the answer to.

And same re important medical things like ADHD assessment. You don’t want someone who barely knows your child there.

Idk I have at times not reminded exh about things if I think it might be better if he didn’t come - sometimes he remembers and sometimes not. If I think it’s important to the kids I might remind him.

itsmeits · 26/04/2026 21:50

Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:42

Your comment about the tattoos made me laugh x

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Worst part is I was young stupid and paid for them 🙄 x

LizandDerekGoals · 26/04/2026 21:48

Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:45

This is just how I feel. How is it I can work full time, do everything at home and never miss a school or club activity, yet he needs 20 reminders about an event, only not to turn up!

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He doesnt want to turn up. He just wants to be able to blame you. Make it very clear he is responsible for being a good dad and if he fails, that is on him.

Bufftailed · 26/04/2026 21:47

It’s fine - he got the email. I cba to tell my DC’s dad. Like we’re the PA

Original poster
Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:45

Rainbowlou0001 · 26/04/2026 21:33

I put up with this crap from my ex for far too long. He had emails from school and 3 reminders from me when our child was performing at a music event.
He didn’t turn up as he ‘forgot’ and had such a massive, screaming rant at me for not reminding him on the day.
After that I never reminded him of a single thing.
Its hard enough juggling school, children, work and life without having to factor in his laziness on top!

This is just how I feel. How is it I can work full time, do everything at home and never miss a school or club activity, yet he needs 20 reminders about an event, only not to turn up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:42

itsmeits · 26/04/2026 21:32

I wouldn't ask DD to remind him. It isn't for the current or past women in his life to remind him of anything.
If DD text him off her own back asking him to be there as she wanted him there. That is different.
I also wouldn't remind him he has a calendar and has had the same communication as you.

Then I may be biased as my Ex kicked off as I didn't remind him of his dads bday. Split 4/5 years at that point. He had the childrens names and DOBs as tattoos and still missed bdays.

Your comment about the tattoos made me laugh x

OP posts:
Rainbowlou0001 · 26/04/2026 21:33

I put up with this crap from my ex for far too long. He had emails from school and 3 reminders from me when our child was performing at a music event.
He didn’t turn up as he ‘forgot’ and had such a massive, screaming rant at me for not reminding him on the day.
After that I never reminded him of a single thing.
Its hard enough juggling school, children, work and life without having to factor in his laziness on top!

itsmeits · 26/04/2026 21:32

I wouldn't ask DD to remind him. It isn't for the current or past women in his life to remind him of anything.
If DD text him off her own back asking him to be there as she wanted him there. That is different.
I also wouldn't remind him he has a calendar and has had the same communication as you.

Then I may be biased as my Ex kicked off as I didn't remind him of his dads bday. Split 4/5 years at that point. He had the childrens names and DOBs as tattoos and still missed bdays.

Petrolitis · 26/04/2026 21:30

Nickyknackered · 26/04/2026 20:49

Also true, but there's no need to stoop to his level.

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Also no need to be his servant

Original poster
Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:29

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 26/04/2026 21:16

Tricky one. Him not paying maintenance is obviously appalling. And you really shouldn't have to remind him. But in these situations it often pays to be the bigger person.

Do you think he may also have ADHD? (I ask this as I have a recently diagnosed dc and it's cast a whole new light on my dh's foibles, not to mention my own)

I definitely don't think he has ADHD, but I suspect I do.

OP posts:
LizandDerekGoals · 26/04/2026 21:28

Pistachiocake · 26/04/2026 21:06

For the kid's sake, yes. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, and if he ever ended up having to be the sole parent, every parent's evening could count (in that at least he'll know something).

If he ever ended up having to be a solo parent, he needs to learn to read his emails.

Original poster
Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:27

Nickyknackered · 26/04/2026 21:18

Yes if she feels up to it i would give her the option. No pressure for her as I dont agree with putting children in the middle but if he might respond better to her message then thats a good thing.

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I agree, I don't want DC to feel like they are stuck in the middle, but at the same time they will always tell or text me about things going on at school, so it should be no diffent to them telling their Dad.

They keep asking me why we split up and I have always been very neutral about him.

OP posts:
Polkadotpompom · 26/04/2026 21:26

OP you share a child but you aren't his secretary.

I don't remind my ex. He used to ask me things that were school related and after me politely pointing out he was just as capable as finding things out and setting reminders as I was he stopped asking me.

For me it's that I'm already carrying the load of solo parenting (there's not a great deal of co-parenting going on here, it's minimal!) so will not use energy I could spend on the kids or on myself to support a selfish man child who actually is perfectly capable of managing stuff like this himself.

LizandDerekGoals · 26/04/2026 21:25

Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:22

Co-parent was emotionally and financially abusive when we were together - cocklodger who used to put me down continuously - calling me fat and stupid (amongst other vile comments) , despite me having a well-paid job and being a fit size 10 at the time. I find it very difficult to have to continue to deal with him. I'm tired of it. It's not as if I am being malicious, I just think he is lazy and selfish. He has a lovely partner now and they have other children and I get the impression she does everything there.

Dont engage. Ignore all the posters saying we should be an ex’s pa until you die. Poor boundaries. He gets the same information as you. He knows. If it was important to him he would be there.

mummypigoink · 26/04/2026 21:23

Have a shared calendar that you put DC related events on? Then he can’t justify complaining to you? I wouldn’t be thrilled at having to do any reminding if he gets all the emails, and really wouldn’t want to put DC in the position of having to remind but would not want them to feel guilt or take any sulks because of future poor behaviour from him.

Itsanewlife · 26/04/2026 21:22

p.s. I would not ask my child to send a reminder, unless she independently is keen to have him there.

Original poster
Peacho · 26/04/2026 21:22

Co-parent was emotionally and financially abusive when we were together - cocklodger who used to put me down continuously - calling me fat and stupid (amongst other vile comments) , despite me having a well-paid job and being a fit size 10 at the time. I find it very difficult to have to continue to deal with him. I'm tired of it. It's not as if I am being malicious, I just think he is lazy and selfish. He has a lovely partner now and they have other children and I get the impression she does everything there.

OP posts:
Itsanewlife · 26/04/2026 21:21

Peacho · 26/04/2026 20:52

I understand this but I have 'been the bigger person' for over 12 years and he has always been the same. I have a very busy full time job and a busy household. I'm just fed up with the situation!

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It is not your job to act as his Personal Assistant. He has the information, if he chooses not to attend that is on him. Your daughter deserves two parents who love and prioritize her well being. You can only ensure that you do your part of it. It is up to him to do his.