Dear all
DP and I need your input and thoughts. Sorry this is long. There’s a whole saga, but this is it in a nutshell.
Our DD is just finishing her 2nd year at University. She works in a pub to supplement her finances, and started going out with a man who works there, 3 months after she moved away from home to become a student. He stayed in her student halls accommodation from the minute they got together - single bed, he’s huge - and he’s never moved out since. He’s 24, she is 19. When it came to 2nd year, we asked that as she was going to be living in a house of 7 girls, that he didn’t stay over more than once a week, primarily to respect privacy of the other girls in the house. I’m not clear whether this has happened or not, and can’t really police this, so try to trust her to do the right thing.
Today she was saying again, that she hates living with other people, that the kitchen is always filthy, no one clear up after themselves, and she can’t get any space to cook in. In a nutshell, she wants to “get a studio” because she doesn’t want to live with other people any more, and she wants us to continue to fund the £500 per month DP and I have been paying her rent plus giving her £50 per week for food etc. I calculate that with working, she has around £320 clear in her hand each month to pay for food and other stuff including going out, clothes, cosmetics etc. She doesn’t have a handle on her outgoings at all, and won’t discuss this with me. She stays in the house all the time, hasn’t made an effort to make friends, hasn’t joined any clubs… just stays in with him, in her room, watching shit on telly or on you tube. She is not the curious, fun, loving, clever, sparky, young person who left us. She has become critical of others, quick to take offence, with no confidence and has gained weight which again makes her confidence low.
She told me last year when she was thinking about moving to go on a years placement, her BF would also be moving to go with her, so her intention was clear - to move in with him on a more formal basis. DP and I gave her the heads up that as she went to University for “the university experience”, that does not include paying for her BF to move in with her. He has a chequered history with drugs, never really worked until this pub job, and he’s older - 24. She trusts every word this guy tells her, to the extent that even when he blatantly lies, she makes excuses for him. My DD told me that his parents don’t like her - they find she’s too quiet. She knows this because her BF told her!
So here is the question. Do we continue to pay her rent for her final year, knowing that her BF will be shacked up in her bedsit? Options DP and I have discussed before speaking with her include: 1. pulling the funding of the rent in its entirety on the basis that living with her BF in a bedsit is not part of “the university experience,” and if she wants to do this, she can get a student loan. 2. paying half the rent for the bedsit on the basis he will pay the other half (ie condoning them living together), 3. continue to pay the £500 rent, regardless as to who or where she’s living and ignore that he’s living there. 4. Continue to pay full £500 if she lives in student accommodation? If you can think of other options, be my guest!
So the AIBU is - AIBU to continue to pay her rent, no questions asked? And / or pick a preferred option / suggest an alternative ☺️