To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

I guess I had that on my manager at work, we're married now. But it wasn't straight forward - currently undergoing an employment tribunal due to how I was treated when we 'came out'.

Yes and it’s awful, actually painful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Twice. Once with a previous boss. And another time with a male friend in a hobby group. I was married at the time so didn’t act on it at all, but I’m pretty sure the feelings were mutual. My marriage had problems and I’m sure that was at the root of it. It was pretty horrible and intrusive, and on both occasions I stopped all contact with the ‘crush’ and it took over a year for the intrusive thoughts to subside

"Maladaptive daydreaming" is similarly overused on MN.

I've experienced "limerance". A couple of times. It was really unhealthy.

Living in a fantasy world doesn't mean you're interesting. It means you're lonely, unhappy and not coping well.

Completely agree

I mean I’ve had 2 or 3 crushes in my life where I’ve obsessively thought about them every second of every day, been so preoccupied i couldn’t think about anything else, analysing everything they did for signs they felt the same way, creating our fantasy life together in my head. But the difference is I think, that intensity only lasted maybe a week. It seems with limerence it lasts a lot longer

A crush, I suspect rather than limerance.

My senior school teacher. I would loiter to see him. Visit school after I left. Create dramas so that he needed to help. Write a diary about him. Somehow I once borrowed his tracksuit top - I sleep in it!

My hairdresser, owner of a swish salon. Loitering outside the shop. Driving past at the end of his working day. Making appointments so that I was his last customer. Listening to where he socialised and turning up.

A neighbour. He was a friend of the family. Cancelling events so that I could be at home when he called. Driving miles just to see him driving towards me. Walking every night, past his house. Just a glimpse of him was enough, even better if he was outside and we got to chat.
That was reciprocated though and talking to him, he had spotted me years before…the visits to our family house were to see me, he had walked many a time, behind me, going into town. He stopped me in my car, he visited when my parents went on holiday. Grooming wasn’t a thing then, but when I look back…

My children’s hairdresser. A guy with an awful reputation, similar pattern, walking past the shop, driving past, hoping to bump into him etc etc…

Ah ok I googled it and I see what you mean now. To me, limerence sounds more like a mental illness or psychological condition, perhaps triggered in some people by crushes. I thought it could fit into the definition of a very intense crush until I read the bit about it potentially lasting months or years. I think that’s the major difference- if you’re still experiencing this level of intense attraction for more than a few weeks it maybe is limerence

Much more intense than a crush - 99% of your waking hours are spent thinking about them and how they perceive you; analysing their behaviour for signs they like you; replaying interactions with them and constructing elaborate make believe scenarios about them in your head, etc. It can affect your ability to function and carry out your day-to-day responsibilities.

Another frequent (although not universal) feature of it is that it has very little to do with the actual object of the desire. As in, you create a fantasy about that person that doesn’t reflect the reality of them at all.

So you could conceivably have limerance for a celebrity, but it’s not the same as having a celebrity crush.

Why are you obsessing about what the name of it is though? Romantic feelings are on a huge spectrum from ‘they’re kinda hot’ to ‘I’m not sure I can live without them’, everyone’s different, every crush is different, and the circumstances around every crush is different. Those factors all play into how intense it is. It really doesn’t matter what it’s called. It sounds tough, my only advice if you know it can’t happen, is to create as much emotional and physical distance as possible between you and it will eventually go away

No. After googling the definition I'd imagine that actual limerance is fairly rare. I'd also guess that those who experience it have either a lot of unresolved trauma or other significant MH disorders.

I'm also guessing, by the number of previous posters semi-lightheartedly 'admitting' to it, that many people haven't googled and aren't aware of just how disordered and mentally unwell a person experiencing this would likely be.

I was 43 and my partner had left and I had a newborn. I became infatuated with a man who was 28 and had just moved home to be with his parents who were 50 and my friends. He had no career or job and yes it was unhealthy. I really wanted to be with him and dreamt about it. I couldn’t understand it in the same room I was blubbering mess. He wasn’t even that attractive and we had nothing in common. I can only assume it was baby hormones. I moved away and stopped seeing him and then he got married a couple of years later. It lasted about a year though and now I look at him or photos of him and go - what was I thinking? 😂

I looked it up a while ago because I had come across this in an article online and the defining feature in the article seemed to be length of time. At this point I had had a long-standing 'mega crush' on a woman at work and was wondering why it seemed to be lasting so long. I still have it now, must be about 5 years at this point and has it's ups and downs in terms of intensity but never seems to quite burn out. Sometimes it's really strong and other times I don't go even to a work night out even though I know she'll be there. It's the oddest 'crush' I've ever had. The wildest thing I've ever done in relation to it is looking her brother up on social media because she doesn't have it (I posted about an accidental 'like' on his page on here actually 😅) but in general I'm not obsessed at all. I mean I am 'obsessed' in how I think about her but shes not all I think about, if that makes sense. The fact she doesn't have social media is maybe a factor in the 'mystery' staying alive, along with the fact we don't work together directly. I don't really have any ideas of her Iife or fantasies as such, for the most part it's an 'in the moment' thing. So from what I know of limerance, it doesn't really fit the definition and the original article I read was wrong. This is just a nice, low key, long term crush. Of course I interpret everything as quite thrilling and as potential reciprocation, but in reality I know it's not really. And I know I'm far too old for this but I can't imagine not having this crush now

Having an unhealthy, obsessive desire for someone who is beyond your reach. But not just a massive crush. This transcends crushdom. Your entire world revolves around ‘getting’ this person or having them reciprocate your desire - which they may appear to do. But ultimately, it’s a fantasy. A really big, all-consuming fantasy.

Name changed as I suspicious colleague knows me on here.

yes, have had a little bit of a thing for a guy that I work with. Get on like a house on fire. It escalated for me about a year ago and was intense and uncomfortable for me over the summer months. Couldn’t sleep, eat, or think. In the autumn, we had a bit of a professional disagreement. It got sorted quickly but it ruined him for me! Bottom dropped out of it instantly. I am still fond of him but having observed him with a more cynical head on, I realise that whilst we do have a great connection, he gets on similarly with multiple numbers of our colleagues. He was special to me but it never went the other way. Glad I never acted on it. I think the rejection would have been hard to bear.

If someone really, really wants to be with you? They will find a way.

Once.

I felt physically unwell or giddy a lot of the time I could do zero work.

I geniunely thought i was losing my mind / mentally unwell because the man i was obsessed with / dating was UNHINGED wildly unsuitable clear latge waving red flags - yet still i was mad keen to date him / build a future.

It was a dumpster fireball car crash....obviously.

Isn’t it basically a crush?

Like a full on celebrity crush would be limerance?

No. It’s never that. Almost never as I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule but they are slim to none. The idea of ‘what might be, if only’ feeds the limerence. And they play on it.

My exh was in limerence with his 10yr senior work colleague. She was not only 10yrs older but very overweight and really short and was a lorry driver. He left me and his 3 kids for her leaving us all devastated. It didnt work out for him as hes now in limerence with someone else and leaving her devastated.
I see how it changed him both times. He didnt eat, sleep and was constantly on adrenaline.