To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

Yes, it’s awful. I experienced it with a colleague, I never knew if he was single and didn’t want to say anything on that basis. I left the job, not because of him, but it was a relief to get away from him. I’ve noticed even now, nearly a year down the line, if I’m stressed, he’ll pop into my head, I don’t know if obsessing about him was a diversion from
everything else that was going on.

Wow, I did not expect that ending @Laiste !

For anyone suffering from limerance, as I have in the past, there are some good websites out there, such as this one: https://livingwithlimerence.com

If it really is a hopeless, chronic crush, you have to show yourself some self compassion, but try to set about recovering from it, as otherwise you can literally lose years of your short and precious life to it!

I agree with the person above that it often is a a side effect of ADHD. I think the dopamine cravings, the ability to hyper focus, and the tendency to mask making it more difficult to establish authentic relationships, all play into this.

For me, when it came, it came out of the blue and within 3 months i knew i was going to - Had to ! - leave my husband (of 14 years). I could not go on in a marriage with the feelings i had for this other man. I was possessed by it, it was like a whirlwind, it was like i'd really only just woken up properly as a sexual person, even though i was ... well i was no innocent lamb.

We were like a pair of animals together. I craved him like a drug. On the days i didn't see him he'd be on my mind ALL day. My work suffered. His work suffered. His family thought he'd gone mad. My friends thought the same. On the days i did see him it was like being high as a kite.

I made my plans. I told my then husband that it was over. I said i was sorry, i'd fallen head over heels for another man and I was going to move out of the marital bedroom, and eventually the home. And that's what i did.

18 months later mr.limerence and i moved into a home together. That was 20 years ago and i'm still completely obsessed with him. And he with me in all honesty. He's the same. Almost worse really. We're married 15 years. We have a DD together. Hes a fabulous dad. Soppy and he spoils her rotten 😊

We've been through some awful shit together, but we are still as enmeshed and intense with each other as we were back when we met. We can't be apart. Suffocating one would say, definitely. But we're so happy.

So what is it?! (in the words of Cat 😉)

Not me, but I think my DD has experienced this.
I'd say limerance is a form of mental disturbance, it's a one way obsession and can be both extremely upsetting but also creates a very satisfying dopamine high.
I don't think it's a coincidence she is ND and has OCD. It's very similar to the kind of pattern of thinking she gets with an OCD spiral plus hyperfixation.
It's not something she finds enjoyable but does miss it when it goes.
She is friends with the most recent object of her intense (and unreciprocated) feelings and now it's over she's a bit puzzled about what she found so attractive about him as he's a nice enough bloke but really not all that!

Gosh yes, back in my late 30s but I don't know if I would call it limerence. It was the most horrific crush I've ever experienced, and I would jump off a bridge than ever go through it again. I think in hindsight it was a bit of a MH crisis.

Having done a bit of reading about limerence, I think what a lot (not all) of posters are describing are just intense crushes or intense relationships. Neither of which are limerence

Me too! 22 years and counting here.. I don’t think I’d leave my marriage as my Limerance focus is an awful human and my husband is amazing but that passion we had when we were together was nothing like I’ve experienced before or even after. I don’t know how to get over it, it’s now annoying and at times can take over your life

I had it - I am on a reddit forum about it and lots of us have ADHD. It was the most awful time of my life. He was the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night and every single second in-between. I would have loved to become his girlfriend. We haven't spoken for a couple of months and I'm hoping that not being in touch will help with the obsession going at some point. I still think about it alot but it's not as bad as it was so maybe can't call limerence any more.

In my experience of limerance, the thoughts were almost beyond my control, really intrusive. I just wanted them to go away and had to actively try to think about other things. They were massively distracting. On both occasions, I broke contact with the men who were the subject of my attention and that did the trick and I’m in a much happier place now with a new partner than I was in my marriage. Limerance in my experience is not stalkerish behaviour because I was fully in control of my actions and behaviour- it was the thoughts that I needed to get under control (if that makes sense!)

Totally agree, it's a stalkerish crush. Calling it a fancy name doesn't make it any better.

Agree ADHD makes it worse! I'm 3 years in with a limerant infatuation and it drives me nuts. He's not interested in me at all, and normally that would be the end for me in an ordinary crush, but this one just goes on and on. I keep hoping it will fade, and try to actively make that happen, but I can't shake it off.

We're both single and similar ages, and I think part of it is that I'm slightly pissed off that he doesn't fancy me as men generally find me reasonably attractive. So it's endless hours fantasising about him reciprocating, and one kind word from him can trigger weeks of daydreams where he's in love with me too. I suspect he's aware I have feelings, but politely ignores them, which is infuriating!

Oh yes, many times. Even when I was supposedly happily married. The window fitter, one of my sister's boyfriends (!), one of my friend's husband (!), a near-neighbour once. It's actually really embarrassing - and the only thing I can say in my defence is that I never once acted on it.
It's an obsession that dominates your waking hours, and a fantasy that this person is the man of your dreams and your soulmate - even though you hardly know them - you're just sort of projecting your "ideal" partner onto them. But then it stops just as quickly, and you think what on earth was I thinking?!
I'm divorced now and I often wonder if this was some sort of indicator that my marriage wasn't meeting my needs in some way.

I don't think what you're describing is actually Limerence OP. "Limerence is characterized by intrusive, constant thoughts, idealization of the person, and an desperate craving for reciprocation. It differs from love, being more of a volatile addiction."

It's not two people who fancy each other but can't be together for whatever reason.

Yes for almost 20 years now. It's a form of mental illness really, very different to just having a crush.

OMG - I definitely had limerance with an ex from 20 plus years ago over lockdown… very intense feelings and was reciprocated- he was worse if anything! It was so stressful! I’m grateful he lived a few hundred miles away or I know we would have met up. After 9 months of it, his wife caught him messaging and it was all out of the bag! I felt gutted, but realise it was for the best now…. For a few years he tried to contact me under the radar, as we missed each other I guess…. But it’s slowly dwindled, think we both have hectic lives and know deep down it was just a bonkers thing!! I still miss him, or rather, that intense connection, it really is powerful and scary if I’m honest!!

Generally, and certainly in my experience, limerance is triggered and sustained by the unavailability of the limerance “object”. It’s more about the thoughts and idealisation of what could be, rather than the reality of what is…it’s borne out of an unhealthy attachment style.

But surely a limerence can become/exist alongside a relationship if the subject of the limerence feels the same way and you get together…what happens to the limerence then? And by ‘crush’ I meant was it a limerence where the feelings were unreciprocated

Neither. It was limerance.

Here’s a question for those of you who have had the painful experience of limerence A where would you have wanted things to “end up”? Because some of it sounds like you wouldn’t actually want something to really happen but the anxiety side brings out obsessive thoughts/rumination and stakerish behaviours (no judgement when actually stalking is t present). Like is it essential that it can’t happen?

No, I’ve never even had a crush on anyone. I don’t really understand it tbh. I’ve been in love, and I am in love but it has always grown from mutual attraction. I’ve never had unrequited love, that’s not saying I’m gorgeous btw, lol

Was the limerence 8 years of a relationship with this person or 8 years of having a crush on them?

No, but the discussion here reminds me of the novel, "By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept", by Elizabeth Smart.

It’s horrific. It’s all consuming. Your life revolves around thoughts of one person and they become the centre of your existence, at the cost of the real relationships and people around you. Every decision you make is based on them. There’s the adrenaline and excitement, followed by the most horrendous lows, like crashing onto concrete. Zero stars, do not recommend. You feel helpless. It lasted 8 years. I’d trade a lot to get that time back.

I think you need to be really careful. If people at work have picked up on it, then you’re at risk of ruining your professional reputation. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself.

Take a good hard look at your life and find out what it is that’s brought yourself to this point where you’re obsessing over another woman’s husband and whether he fancies you? Worst case, if he starts picking up on there being something more and feeling uncomfortable, you could find yourself being done for sexual harassment!