To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

That's how I distinguish attraction from limerence. In Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, Dorothy Tennov stated that "limerence is felt in the mid point of the chest." The intensity is painful - I remember having a bad cold and thinking the cold was a physical equivalent to my emotional state. A number of terms allude to it causing distress or being like an illness: douleur exquise, heart throb, heart ache, being smitten, having it bad, or being lovesick.

I haven't experienced limerence since I was a teenager. The first time, I was under ten. That might be a controversial claim.

I can remember hoping my 'limerent object' would come last on sports day so I could get over him (he never did). Like a PP, he embodied what I longed to be myself, being sporty and popular (he was two years above me in primary school). It lasted two years, ending abruptly.

Fwiw, I have AuDHD, early trauma and OCD.

I had what I thought of for years as an unrequited love, which I now think was limerence. I turned an interesting, charismatic, attractive, but relatively normal man into a golden god in my mind. As soon as I realised he was never going to be interested in a relationship with me, although we did have some moments of emotional and physical intimacy, and got on well, I expected the feelings to die down, but they didn’t. I actually house shared with him for FOUR YEARS because I preferred to be close to him tormenting myself than not be near him. After I moved out we stayed distantly in touch and I thought the feelings had gone, but a couple of years ago they massively flared up again. We are both happily married to other people. I would never want to be with anyone except my DH. Honestly it felt like I’d lost my mind. I was aware it was all very odd and wrong but I felt obsessed and had to have some therapy to get through it.

I don’t have ADHD but was told i don’t fit the diagnosis because I didn’t show any symptoms in childhood - in adulthood I have a lot of similar traits to people with ADHD. I also have some childhood trauma that I think is linked in some way with this experience. There was a strong element of falling for someone I almost wanted to be - who represented things I thought were missing in myself.

The best way I can describe it now is that part of my mind became obsessed, awestruck and detached from reality, while the other part of my mind remained firmly in reality, tired, confused and embarrassed by the thoughts and feelings, but unable to overcome them.

If you wouldn't mind posting the link to the forum or the name I would be keen to join? I need to sort this out 😂 I also am pretty sure I have ADHD, not diagnosed but my son is on the pathway and a lot of bells have been ringing...

Following for ideas as I am rather struggling with a case of limerence at the moment! I have had it before and absolutely hate it, but it's been a long time as I have been off dating for years. Now I've recently met someone I fancy a lot and it's going well so far but my head is going again, even though actually I want to take it really slow on every logical level the peaks and troughs of dopamine are messing with me badly! May try some of your ideas @3luckystars, I like those 😂

Yes it’s the ‘potential’ definitely that puts petrol on it. I think getting a creative outlet really helps, in my experience it’s creative people that come up with the best fantasies and if they could let that talent loose
elsewhere then the limerence fades.

my advice is find a project. Ideally something creative. Or force yourself to get the ick. Think of him running along beside
you wearing a back pack, or opening a loud Velcro wallet. Or spinning around in a barbers chair with the big cape on. anything that will ease it. Use those creative ideas to cure it.

Yes I did, and he liked me too, however when it came down to it we had nothing in common, I didn’t feel that comfortable with him and he was manipulative and controlling. All the fantasies I’d built in my head were never going to happen in real life, we weren’t star crossed lovers. It was very sad for me because obviously the chemistry felt so strong and six months later I wouldn’t say I’m over it. I guess I pined for the potential that I hoped for, not the reality I found.

I think we could cross-reference this thread with the 'Food Noise' thread, as there's a similar problem with people who have never suffered from it being dismissive and telling those who have had, or do have, it that it doesn't exist and they are just being silly. Or weak willed. Or both.

Oh yes. I'm here with him right now. If he has any idea he's very kind about it ... which kinda doesn't help. This too shall pass, meanwhile I shall enjoy it, and him.

In which case it should be known as 'unhealthy infatuation' 😄.

I think the label limerence is a bit silly.

It is constantly used in the wrong context.
It is something that mainly happens when someone is ND/ has OCD or has suffered trauma. It’s related to maladaptive daydreaming.
I have had it many times mostly when I’m off meds. It is as horrible as any other intrusive/ obsessive thoughts and bears little relation to the actual person. It’s actually usually based around a fictional, idealised version of a person rather than the real person.
The misperception about limerance I dislike the most is that it involves stalking/ harassment. Most people with genuine limerance have very limited if any interaction with the person. If they did it would destroy the illusion.
One of the dangers of having it is that when you see an idealised version of someone, you don’t just whitewash physical realities or flaws, you also assume they are a good, kind person and they very much may not be.
This happened to me once when I was a lot younger. I think the whole point of the crush was that the guy was in a position of authority and I thought he was showing special interest and being kind to me. When he intuited that I had a crush on him, it put me in a very vulnerable position and I found out that he was actually a very unpleasant, predatory person. I learned an important lesson from that.

Yes. It was mutual. It was never going anywhere as we were both married. I got another job and moved away. We meet up for a drink occasionally and the feelings have gone.

Yes and it was hideous.

He was a slightly older married colleague - tall, dark and handsome type. We work in a niche close field anyway so these things do happen but I’m also married and just never expected it to happen to me… We basically had an EA.

We found excuses to spend more time with one another, had all the usual body language signs of chemistry and attraction, he’d go out of his way to single me out and big me up to anyone who would listen. I felt pathetic around him even if I didn’t show it outwardly- my heart would be constantly racing, so much so my watch would give me a health warning! I really fell head over heels for him.

He lost his job in a round of redundancies (common in HE right now) and returned to his home country for work just shy of 2 years ago now. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I’ll be honest and say I had to go through counselling and I’ve only very recently managed to get through days without him passing my mind. It was incredibly intense for the first six or so months after he left- I would literally cry sometimes just thinking about him. It honestly felt like grief. I had to stop contact with him (we emailed for a while) because it was preventing me from moving on. It got easier gradually but as I say, it’s been almost 2 years and he does still pass my mind just not daily anymore.

I wish I never met him.

Yes, I have.

One was relatively short lived, it was a celebrity and not one I had any hope of meeting so there were obviously limitations as to what I could do (ie nothing). But for about two months I was completely infatuated to the point I didn’t get any work done as spent hours googling and reading about him. I also bought dvds of his early films that had to be shipped from the US.

I had a job interview during this time and I even managed to shoehorn him into that conversation which is something that comes back to haunt me to this day
(Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, but surprisingly that wasn’t the reason, and I did actually get a job at that firm at a later date).

In hindsight, this was in the run up to my wedding and I think I was having cold feet / second thoughts and it just came out in a strange way.

Another one was an obsession with a man from
a hobby. We flirted and that’s as far as it went externally but internally I was obsessed and thought about him 24-7. I would do my make up and put on fancy underwear when I went out to the hobby, just “on the off chance” something happened. In reality, I would never have done anything, and it was just never even really a possibility. So the fact I did this is baffling to me. This was a year or two after I got married and I’m not sure what caused it. I’ve never cheated and pretty sure I never would.

The other notable one was many years ago when I heard that an ex boyfriend had died. We had quite a short, volatile relationship and I didn’t think of him much in the intervening years. Until he died and I suddenly started mourning the life I could have had (he had quite a glamorous job and had a very comfortable lifestyle living in Europe (various houses) and I became obsessed with the fact that I could have been living that life. I contacted his widow to pass on my condolences and she replied and was very polite. I didn’t say anything inappropriate, just said we had known each other years ago and the exchange was fine, but internally I also became a bit obsessed with her and looked all over her socials etc. Very much regret being such a creep and even messaging her at all. Luckily I did keep all that creepiness hidden, but I still regret it.

I’ve had other crushes over the years, but those are the 3 that stand out as having gone too far.

edited to add - I do have a personality that get hyper fixated on things

I agree with the ADHD link. To me, limerence is like when I hyper-focus on anything, only I am hyperfocusing on the object of my affection.

None of them have ever known. I am very plain and, when young was the sort of girl where people would pity the person that I got a crush on. I think it drove me to keep all feelings underground which made limerence build out of what would have been an ordinary crush if I'd been allowed to voice it.

Definitely more obsession than crush.

Cringed just writing that sentence. I gave myself the ick

Me! It makes me cringe but yes me! More than once.

I think mine stems from the fact I was emotionally neglected as a child. So I just want validation and to feel loved.

I used to love that spark and connection.

It's a real headfucker that's for sure. I'm more cynical now I'm a bit older and generally don't like people enough for it to ever happen again 😂

It's a spectrum at the end of the day, and someone's own distress can only be known and described by them, or a medical term diagnosed by a professional (plenty of which disagree on a case by case, individual scenarios where spectrums exist and diagnosis is behavioural and/or internal).

Never personally seen it used inappropriately on here – in all the posts I've read it's been a highly distressing experience for the OP, which is not the result of 'a crush'.

No point getting annoyed at self-reporting.

Language is useful when it's used properly.

So many grown women on here with crushes using the word 'limerence'.

Equally so many posters hate the sound of people eating (which is a completely normal thing to hate), but they all have Misophonia.

MN has such a strange disapproval of this sort of thing.

There is nothing wrong with words that more accurately describe something that is too specific for a broader and more rudimentary word.

Language is useful.

No, I've never experienced it, which surprises me as I have quite an obsessive personality!