AIBU to say grandparents doing childcare may be too exhausted to offer good quality care?

I actually agree with you.

Im an adult child whose parent (in late 50s/60s) has decided to help with childcare.

I had my first when my mum was in her 40s and she wanted to help (seriously insisted to the point I didn’t feel like mum much). But she had energy and to be fair, my DD was easy to look after. I was able to get a lot done alongside that.

Fast forward over a decade and my second is a handful! Climbs everywhere. I put him in nursery because, although my mum insisted on doing the childcare, I felt that she couldn’t cope with him as a toddler. As a baby she was brilliant- but now that we have to chase him everywhere and he has mini tantrums, it’s not easy on my mum.

He is thriving at nursery now.

But, I am ever so grateful for my mum being that grandma. Although she played an extended mum role, my DD has the most amazing memories with her, and I won’t know what that is like as I didn’t have any of my grandmas growing up.

Do you post this when yet another parking thread is posted, or some useless husband, or someone who is unable to say no to an inveterate lift taker/drinks round avoider?

I voted YABU as you sound totally contradictory. You ‘want’ to do it but are exhausted by it. So don’t. You can still have a rewarding and close relationship with your grandkids without being a martyr to them. Quality over quantity.

This! I can't believe it. My MIL does 1 day a week (teacher hours) and is brilliant. She really wanted to do it and we were stuck for one day not covered by nursery yet. I only work 3 days a week as well.

There are things my DC will get with me or nursery that he won't get there - messy play, lots of reading at home at least, socialisation with other kids, sometimes he's in his travel cot or pram for a time while ILs are washing up or cooking something but it's the trade off. Lots he gets out of it as well. I can't imagine piling on GPs with all the childcare plus extra sleepovers etc!

I’m not sure what the point of your post actually is. Also, how can you be working full time AND do all school drop off and pick ups?

I'm a Mum of two young DC, I do the school run daily so meet many many parents and do not know anyone that recieves this much help from Grandparents. I think this is the frustatration with these recurring threads, there seems to be a few women that have never told their DC 'no' and now they are exhausted and think every other parent behaves like their children do. Your situation is not normal.

So you are basically these children's parent?

YANBU for doing too much. It's not fair that you're still working and doing that much childcare as well. You must start putting yourself first before you become ill. 💐

Yes, this. I know lots of people who have help from grandparents, including us. I don't know anyone where the grandparents are still working and doing this, nor anyone where the grandparents do more than one or two days a week, absolute max. Most people I know (again, including us) have grandparent help as well as paid childcare, not instead of. I think the volume you're doing is shocking.

Why on earth are you doing so much?

I don't remember my GPs ever being "down on the ground" with me. They were retired and fit for their age but shonky knees I think. I played, they sat in their armchairs (smoking). I loved going to their place. I think it's a very modern idea that carers need to be "engaging" with kids all the time - we're breeding a generation with no ability to entertain themselves. There's nothing wrong with telling them to "go and play" sometimes. Makes them use their imaginations and read books. If your kids want something different, they can pay for it.

OP your situation isn’t normal (in my experience anyway!) Every grandparent I know who does regular childcare is at least semi retired.

Why on earth can you work full time and do childcare and their actual parents can not?

Of course you’re exhausted! Your DC is absolutely taking the piss

The OP makes a good point. It is possible to love your GC dearly, to want to ease the financial burden on your AC and to want to enjoy the GC while they are little, whilst also being totally knackered because of age-related loss of stamina.

My agreement with my DD took all these things into account. I only did one day a week with each child - in other words I was only ever looking after one child at a time.

At the same time I had failing health and was nursing a sick OH at home.

I did what I could and my DD was constantly mindful of my needs as well as hers. I have a lovely relationship with my GC, who are older now and not in need of care, so it was a positive experience all round - DD saved a money (she used the other granny plus a child minder too) and I really got to know my very dear GC.

But it was all based on mutual respect and honesty. That was all she expected of me and I of her. If I had to cry off for some reason she accepted it as her responsibility to find an alternative and we did not fall out over it.

Basically she and her OH saw child care as their prime responsibility, and whatever was on offer from elsewhere was a bonus and not a right.

Why do you have to childmind on some weekends, OP?

I’m 33, pregnant and have two kids and I am dead on my feet so I don’t know how you’re doing it!
Are you/the grandchildren actually enjoying the time spent together or are you enduring it?
My Mum was honestly the best Nannie to my daughter, she worked so couldn’t offer childcare (which is fine, I just used paid childcare) but I’d often pick her up from work when our shifts aligned so she could come with me to then pick up DD from school and both my Mum and DD would just burst at the seams when they saw each other.
Don’t end up doing too much to the point it feels like a chore or like you have to
keep doing it.

More fool you.

You are doing a lot, probably too much when you also work full time. It might be necessary to make some changes, for your health and wellbeing.

Am sure your grandchildren know you do a lot for them.

Hope your DC and their partner are good to you.

I’ve seen it written often here, that people who have grandparents that don’t want to do regular childcare will be very different and offer it when they are grandparents. I did the same myself. What I think people don’t recognise, is that saying you’ll be happy to do childcare for any future grandchildren, doesn’t take into account that when you’re twenty or thirty years older, the energy just isn’t there.

From the perspective of being in your twenties, thirties or even forties, it sounds eminently reasonable. It’s very different in your sixties and seventies. I did do childcare and babysitting. I certainly couldn’t now, so it’s as well they are independent.

How to say ‘I’m a martyr’ without saying it!

You're doing a lot and don't need to do it 'better'. If they are at school they are obviously able to play alone and being there making sure they have what they need and aren't unsafe is enough.
For what it's worth, I don't remember my grandparents playing much with us and yet I remember time spent with them as some of the happiest. My mum must have thought the same, because looking after my children often meant a quick walk somewhere and putting the TV on or getting some colouring out while she did the crossword. They always seemed happy enough and the time between school pick up and dinner is quite short and for relaxing, in my opinion!

Maybe you’d be better off doing less childcare so you are less tired and can then give them more of yourself when you are there. Quality over quantity and all that.

So you martyr yourself because your kid feels entitled to your childcare work on top of your career working.

You've chosen to do it. Yes, things happen with exhausted and aged out caregivers doing childcare they really shouldn't be. It's on them to say no to their entitled children who want to save money that would otherwise be spent on expensive childcare.

Sometimes childcare is unaffordable or unavailable. But pushing seniors who are past it for whatever reason is not putting their kids' best interests first. But the seniors have to say no and set boundaries and the kids have to accept that.