Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

Just to add another slant to this from personal experience (as I noticed you mentioned it was intended to be a 'funny' dig at your son who never kept his room tidy?) - my DDad often makes these kinds of jokes e.g. 'Juno would never clean her room' 'Juno is still as messy as ever I see!' to anyone who will listen. I know he thinks it's harmless but it's actually left me with crippling OCD to the point that I cannot trust my own judgement about whether my home is clean, because I truly do not remember being messy and yet clearly I was? Be very careful with these kinds of 'jokes', even if aimed at your son. Maybe a lesson for your relationship with your grandchildren.

The OP isn't expecting to do turn up unannounced; she is asking that on occasion if she texts to ask, that she is welcome to pop in. She isn't saying she should just be able to turn up on their doorstep.

If it was me I think I might have been a bit annoyed and laughed about it with my husband later, but I wouldnt have held it against you unless it was a constant theme or criticism etc.
Having said that, she has obviously really taken it to heart and is worried you are judging her. I think you should apologise sincerely with no caveats. Its good your son has told you so you can make amends!

I think speak to DS first and explain that you feel terrible that DIL thought you were having a dig at her or care at all about the state of their house. Buy her some chocolates/flowers and ask DS if he thinks a personal apology is best or if he should pass it on.

It wasn’t a joke! Who laughed?

@Yogarunningcoffee You lost me at "helping with nappy changes".
Why would your DIL or son need help changing their own childs nappy?
You seem to favour your own daughter, so see if you're welcome there.
Leave your DIL and son alone.

It’s never too late to apologise

me too.

Was it just a one-off comment or have there been more?
Nothing worse than feeling like the house inspector is on their way.
Your DIL probably zoned into other subtleties you might have unconsciously given, such as glancing around the room. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but once someone has insulted your house like this, it’s hard to feel like they aren’t inspecting your cleanliness.

I do agree with the majority on here that it was probably a bit tactless. However, this whole thread has got me thinking about how many women (myself included) tend to feel judged about things like cleaning and keeping our homes nice. I don't think men tend to feel that pressure! I know that when my in-laws visit, I do a big clean cos I feel they'll judge me otherwise - rather than judging DH.... which doesn't make sense! I think it's an old fashioned reflection of our sexist society.

Sounds like your comment those years ago was a classic bitchy one which could be couched in “I was only joking, what’s wrong with you?”

TBH your DIL is wise to be wary

Why on earth would you think you should you be invited upstairs to help with nappy changes?

I am very close to my parents but wherever possible try to change DD’s nappy without an audience.

Exactly. People act like the DIL is the gatekeeper but nothing stopping the son from facilitating things.

My guess is he doesn’t and if he wanted to, he would have mentioned this earlier.

I bet he is happy with the level of
involvement and wouldn’t want his mum popping around as much as she does with his sister.

I wouldn’t, whether it was my mother or my MIL and DH wouldn’t either and he video chats with his mum several times a week.

You definitely need to apologize seeing as your son has been honest and brave enough to tell you the truth. It won’t repair things instantly but should move things in the right direction. But nobody wants their MIL popping in constantly so maybe lower you expectations there.

Well, that's what happens in our house. It's hardly a big deal or a drama.

Neither set of parents would dream of just turning up unannounced. I often see my mum out of the house (coffee, lunch, a walk with the dog) and DH generally goes to see his dad alone (he's only round the corner but not very mobile).

Works fine for us.

Unfortunalty it seems to be more than that one isolated comment.
Perhaps without realising it you have shown displeasure in other ways and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

I have visited lots of people's houses and I have never run my finger along the furniture to check if it was dusty.

Actually, the only exception to this was when DD was moving out of a rented property and she asked me to help check it for cleanliness.

The fact that OP is even doing this makes it already not a joke.

And the same for DiL’s DM if DS doesn’t want to see her either!

Off you go DiL! (Oh and make sure you take the baby out with you, as otherwise your DH might let his DM help with a nappy change - god forbid anyone wants to help with their grandchild) 🙄😂

Not an issue at all, as long as it is fair.

She doesn't care about hurt, she just wants to barge in whenever she wants and have access to the private areas of someone else's home. She now realizes she screwed the pooch when she was so rude before.

Yes. Recognising that you may have hurt someone, even unintentionally, is wise and goes a long way in healing relationships.

Yes, apologise.

I think you need to speak to her. I would be devastated if someone made a comment about dust in my house and I wouldn’t be letting them round unless the house was spotless (if at all). My best friend is welcome to turn up whenever she wants but that’s because I know she won’t judge me if my 1 year old has every toy out, the washing isn’t put away and the highchair is still dirty from lunch, whereas I need to hoover before my mum comes round (although she’s lovely and super super helpful) x

I would like to think that a one off remark, you could apologise for. However, I think you may have not made the remark in joking way, plus you talk about your daughters house. This is deeper than you think and it has obviously caused a lot of upset. My mother recently made a few comments to the father of her new great grandson. He is livid, they were not made in jest and she has form for being unkind, she however, nevers sees the issue. It has cost her visiting rights aswell.

As he doesn't do the majority of the cleaning it was obviously a nasty dig at your DIL

You can't even be honest. No wonder some MILs get a bad name