Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

It absolutely isn't something people do 🤣 never in a million years would I invite someone to a nappy change or want to be invited to one.

Who likes unplanned visitors? My absolute worst nightmare, regardless of whether I like the person or not. Visits should be planned. Of course you should apologise but that should have been doen 4 years ago. Your argument to that is probably that they didn't tell you it upset them, but the sort of person that can say such a thing and then not even realise how fucking rude it is, isn't someone I'd want to be around either, and certainly not unexpectedly.

Whenever you hear "it was ooooooooonly a joke" you 100% know it was most definitely not a joke and not funny.

OP has disappeared, what a surprise!

@Yogarunningcoffee , for reference I have two sons, no daughters and two lovely DILs.
I really can’t think what was going through your head when you made that comment and it seems you’ve compounded it since. Try and put yourself in your DIL’s place no wonder she doesn’t want you popping in unannounced.
Of course you should apologise, grovelingly I suggest. Beg for forgiveness and ask to start again and then shower the poor woman with genuine compliments, this must be so difficult for your son and should probably apologise to him too.

Anyone imagining Marie from Everyone Loves Raymond ?

You don’t need to ‘praise’ her as she’s not a toddler. Just refrain from ‘joking’ and be respectful.

And remember that if your DS and DIL ever split, your relationship with her will probably determine how much you see the GC.

I think your expectations may be a little unrealistic. My parents only changed nappies/did bed time if they were looking after the DC.

lots of people don’t like announced visits. Your comment has upset your DIL (I can see both sides). Ideally they should have said something at the time- I think it has probably gone on too long now but I would apologise.

However, you have a good relationship with your DS and see DGC regularly- focus on that.

You shouldn’t compare your relationship with your DD to your relationship with DIL- it was always going to be different.

OP, I guarantee this won’t have been the only thing you’ve said.

I always went upstairs for nappy changes with my babies, it’s normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

(never once did I invite my mum or mil or anyone else to come with me).

Well then that’s fine for you. Other people may feel differently

She’s being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home

Because it was her that did the cleaning so saying the house was dirty was obvs going to be offensive

I wouldn’t apologise but change how you interact in the future

give her some praise and just let them know you’re always happy to help where needed

I find it weird that you want to help with nappy changes and bathtimes. I'd have been really surprised if my DM had expected to do that.

I think you do have to remember that not everyone likes “popping in” especially when they’ve got a new baby.

I also think it’ll be at least as much the on going comments about the dd’s housekeeping as the dust comment - how does that even come up in conversation, mentioning someone else’s housekeeping?

Do you think you are a bit over fixated on housekeeping and being clean and tidy, and it’s this the DIL has picked up on? It certainly isn’t usual to carry on a joke about DS’s messy bedroom when he’s proudly showing you his new home.

I didn’t really think anyone ran their finger over someone else’s surfaces in real life.

And as everyone has said, being invited up for nappy changes is not a thing.

I would definitely apologise but also expect things to remain similar - remember that many people consider “popping in” by anyone a fate worse than death!

What about inviting her out when you’re nearby instead of popping in and putting her on edge?

along the lines of “I’m in the area next week I’d love to take you and baby out for lunch if you’re free? My treat of course, you deserve a little looking after”

Another point for OP to think about is if she genuinely didn't mean this comment as a dig, maybe she needs to think about how she communicates with people.
There are very few people that like being compared negatively to others.
And also very few people that like having their homes (and will you be making "comments, definitely not digs" about how they bring up their child when older?) criticised.

So maybe just don't do either of these things?

I can guarantee that will be just one example of stupid said you’ve said to undermine her piss her off. Your frosty relationship isn’t the result of just one comment four years ago.

And why on earth would be “invited to do nappy changes” that is bizarre.

I agree. Why on earth would OP even comment to her DIL about the cleanliness/tidyness of her daughter's home? What an absolutely dull conversation that would be. Why on earth would OP think that her DIL would be interested? OP is either a raging bore or a passive-aggressive judgemental arse.

I've got a MIL like you - claimed that put downs and criticisms were jokes and then cried and wailed when she was only invited to come and stay on our terms. I washed my hands of her in the end and left maintaining a relationship with her up to DH. Funnily enough said relationship is pretty non-existent because he'd had enough of her "jokes" as well.

The thing is, even if they were jokes, or you're just praising your own daughter
you've said in direct and indirect ways 'I judge people on cleanliness and have found this place lacking'
you probably continue to give that message without knowing, by making comment on places and people and having and calling cleanliness.
you need to start talking about and praising other things that your dil does and make sure she knows she has value in your eyes. Praise her mothering and the way she has created boundaries.
i am willing to bet you make a lot of 'jokes' comparing your son to your daughter where he is found lacking and your DIL is creating boundaries for him an her family from the 'jokey' nitpicking

You would have known how it would have been taken by saying that in front of your dil, and then talking about how your daughter’s house is always so clean. Passive aggressive put downs aren’t jokes they are deliberate but they are presented as ‘joke’ where you can blame your dil for being too sensitive and not taking the joke, taking it too seriously because you were only joking.
I would hazard a guess you’ve said or done other things too which have made her feel a certain way.

So you’re finding out you can’t say what you like without consequence. If you can apologise without blaming her for taking your ‘joke’ seriously and realise how you’ve made her feel then you should do that to try to repair your relationship.

And don’t mention being invited upstairs to change the nappy

Or, you could accept that your relationship with your DD and DIL will be different.

You could accept that your DIL doesn’t appreciate unplanned drop ins, like many people.

You could respect their boundaries around caregiving for their child.

You could stop making it all about you.

The fact that you didn't realise this was a very tactless thing to say (and do - I shudder to think of you running you finger along a surface for dust, is your name Hyacinth Bucket?) makes me think that unfortunately this is not the only thing you have done to offend your daughter in law.

Unfortunately I imagine she really doesn't like you very much and just endures your visits for the sake of your grandchildren.

Apologising would just make it more awkward and she'll be annoyed with her husband for him telling you. Don't be that person and make it worse.

Stop trying to go round unplanned, I expect she rolls her eyes every time she sees messages from you, why haven't you got the hint by now?

At most, maybe you can make a comment that sometimes you can be tactless and don't pick up on social cues and you're sorry if that's ever been the case with her and that you're working on it (and then perhaps work on it?).

If what you’ve said is true OP, then at least it would show you hadn’t expected all the cleaning to fall to your DIL and hadn’t realised it was ‘her’ job. You expected your DS would have done some too. Right?
I’m trying to be helpful because being a MIL is difficult but I have to admit I’d not have loved it if my MIL had done similar. And I would not love anyone at all popping in!

Yes, it is difficult being an in-law. In OP’s case, it is more about her wanting more access to her son’s child because she wants to pop in when she pleases like she does at her daughter’s despite seeing the baby regularly.

The DIL despite her feelings about OP is still having OP over in her home regularly. If she is as offended as some posters like you think she was, she wouldn’t be having her over much at all.

Why should OP be able to pop in whenever she pleases in her son and DIL’s home? Plus, if he wanted her to have that amount of leeway he would have likely mentioned this sooner.