AIBU to distance myself from a friend whose life seems perfect

Oh at least I’m reassured that no friend will ever drop me for my house being clean and tidy and me looking well 🤣🤣🤣

It seems a ridiculous reason to end a friendship.
Are you envious? There's no point in that.

There’s no delusion about it. The friend might be unhappy in her marriage, have an illness she hasn’t shared, hate her job, not like how she looks or whatever. Just because she appears to have it all, doesn’t mean she actually does.
We all have it in us to be envious of an aspect of another person’s life because none of us have perfect lives.
If the OP is unhappy with her own situation, it won’t make her situation better by dropping her friend. The only thing that will help is to change what she can. Nothing deluded about that - it’s logic.

I mean, how do you know the husband isn't nobbing the nanny or something?

At university, I was on the same course as a person who's father is a famous billionaire. As an 18 yr old, it was good to understand that alot of people have more money than me and their outward life may have seemed perfect as a result. People certainly wanted to be their friend initially. The converse is also true as well. There are people with alot less. Gratitude is what I came away with. No one's life is perfect and there is always something to be grateful for. Work on yourself OP.

This is always a terribly deluded line to placate someone. Objectively, people who "have it all" do not envy one aspect of some random person's life. They may even say things like they wish they had more free time like so & so but realistically, they will never trade their life for yours. There may be a few extreme exceptions like someone with a serious, terminal illness wanting to be healthy (understandable) but those are rare and far in between.

There is also a lot of delusion around the fact everyone must be equal or special in their own way when the truth is that some people end up extremely blessed and lucky, whereas others lead very average and non-enviable lives. It's about being able to accept this discrepancy and not letting it ruin your own life, regardless of where you sit in the hierarchy. It's very possible that this friend has lost other friends due to her good fortune but she may not even care or has come to terms with it. OP doesn't necessarily "owe" her a friendship.

Realistically, not a lot of friendships survive drastic changes in lifestyle, social status or wealth. People can idealise friendships all they want but at the end of the day, everyone tends to find a tribe of people who they relate to most closely in their current life circumstancs.

The expectations of women in friendship are so unrealistic. We're always supposed to be 'happy' for everyone, provide endless 'support' and be a non stop cheerleader.

What absolute rubbish.

We just need to not be so eaten up with jealousy that we 'distance' ourselves from them.

That's no friend.

I think you need to work on yourself or you'll have absolutely no friends at all.

Or family either, if no-one's allowed what you perceive to be a better life than you.

'yes, do her a favour and withdraw because she doesn' need you, your not a friend. A real friend would be pleased for her'

The expectations of women in friendship are so unrealistic. We're always supposed to be 'happy' for everyone, provide endless 'support' and be a non stop cheerleader. There's no room for any feelings that are more complex or messy than that apparently. It's so twee and patronising

Clearly OP has some work to do to unravel what this friendship is bringing up for her, but honestly, adult relationships are not black and white

yes, do her a favour and withdraw because she doesn' need you, your not a friend. A real friend would be pleased for her.
Work on trying to be more like her once you've let her go.
She's dodged a bullet with you.
Start being grateful also for what you do have.

There may be things about your life that she envies. Who knows.
Having said that, if you’re dissatisfied with your life, make changes.

I think we all feel envious of something. Obviously binning anyone who has “more” than you would be madness, but I think if it’s a specific flashpoint then it might make sense to distance oneself a bit.

Eg if someone can’t have children, a super-fertile friend with multiple offspring all having a wonderful family life would be hard to spend time with. Also I know a person who trained as an actor alongside her best friend. The bf is now very well known - Hollywood and all that - whereas the woman I know called it a day and is a teacher.

I think you need to ask yourself why it makes you feel bad. I read a book recommended on here- how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It made me realise that a lot of my life goals were actually other people's. Once I started living my life how I wanted to, suddenly that green eyed monster disappeared.

It’s not particularly ‘extreme’. It’s the logical conclusion of what the OP is saying. Ditch friendships with people whose lives seem better than yours. My mother has done it all her life. You can see her closing down when you have good news about anything, and turning her attention to someone less fortunate , who makes her feel good about herself and ‘needed’. It’s no way to live.

If your self-esteem is so poor that you can’t cope with a friend having a nice house and going on holiday, then you work on your poor self-esteem, you don’t dump a blameless friend because you can’t deal with uncomfortable feelings.

This woman could lose a friend for simply not being problematic enough for you. Which is bonkers.

Noone has a perfect life but some people do have less challenges and more good fortunate I guess.

That said, if you can't move on or find a way to manage your feelings of envy, it probably is better for her that you leave her be. You don't sound like someone I would want as a friend, secretly hating on me for nothing.

I’ve been in your position OP and it’s hard.

Many posters will come on here and say that you should be endlessly happy for someone so successful, but it’s only human nature to feel envy in this situation.

can you significantly pull back rather than ending the friendship? In a similar situation, I also found it easier to do an activity, like going to the movies, rather than a big catch-up, which often only highlights the discrepancies in life circumstances.

Are we now punishing people for having their shit together? Good Lord 😳.

My mom always encouraged me to have at least one person in my circle doing better/that motivates me.

Oh I don’t know. It depends what kind of friend she is. If you are close and support one another, share your lives etc then it’s harsh. If it’s more of outdated friendship that came from circumstances and just continues - and you don’t and wouldn’t really act as a support because she has lots of other sources then gently extending the distance would probably be inconsequential.

by the way my way of dealing with envy is to just focus on cheerleading and praise and then at least I come away with a feeling that I have been a good person and that good feeling somehow rubs off on me.

sometimes it takes a saint not to be envious.

I think you're already being a poor friend, because you're not cheerleading her successes or celebrating her happiness. You think she is perfect? Really?

I have a disability which means that my life will never hit the ceiling of success I was capable of, and almost everyone I spend time with is better off than me materially.

Not one of those people I am close to is without doubts, struggles and insecurities. Everyone is afraid of something or anxious about something else. We're all, every single one of us, bumbling along trying to make the best of our own situation, and can't compare our lives life to theirs.

It's not a competition, you're competing with your own limitations and not the circumstances of others.

Oh I don

I feel for you OP - envy is an absolute bugger. It's very hard to shake off, and really shreds your self esteem. I've been there, it feels totally shit

As others have said, her life is not 'perfect' - perfection doesn't exist. I know that some people think I have a 'perfect' life and have it all worked out - I absolutely do not!

On the other hand, maybe your friendship has run it's course. I really struggled with envy in a friendship years ago, and the envy was only part of the reason why the friendship needed to end. So some of this may be about you, some of it may be the relationship itself

No one's life is perfect. But emotions like jealousy teach us something. As PP have said think about what this envy is saying about what you want to change in your own life.

on the fence a bit tbh. They say that the biggest influence on your life is the people you spend time with, so you could reframe her as inspirational.

on the other hand, I think feelings like this tend to come from unhappiness, and that’s not coming from an inspirational place. It may just cause more stress and upset than it’s worth and you may feel calmer and happier without her in your life

I have a friend like this. She’s lovely, clever, kind, earns well, beautiful house, healthy kids and even a lovely dog. I always feel inferior after we meet up. I try to use that feeling to shine a light on what I want to change about my life to make myself happier.

I also try really hard to acknowledge that these things don’t happen to her by magic or sheer luck. These things take work, commitment, time, energy to obtain.

I could say the same about my life which to the casual observer I could be seen as very lucky which I am, but there also been blood sweat and tears to get where I am and what I have.

Don’t distance yourself - learn from her

Would you really only want to be friends with people with exactly the same amount of money as you or less? Surely it's about their personality, not the contents of their wallet?

It seems an odd reason to drop a perfectly lovely friend. The fact you think they're too rich/lucky.

Nobody's life is perfect. Everyone will suffer bereavement and ill health and disappointment at some point in their lives.