AIBU to distance myself from a friend whose life seems perfect

Yes step back, if you can’t cope with the relationship due to jealousy then you shouldn’t be in it, but do think through what this means for you, that you can only be friends with people in your situation.

OP do you actually like your friend? Enjoy her company? I can't actually imagine distancing myself from a person I considered a friend because of their success, or lack of it. That stuff doesn't matter.

I love to see my friends thriving. I really fucking love it when they're successful. I want them to be happy. And they're happy in return when I succeed.

Sometimes what makes them happy isn't what would make me happy - I don't feel envy about big houses, cars or families. Sometimes they do have what I want, in which case I can learn from them - this happened a lot early in my career when I was looking to get into a particular industry. Some friends got their breakthroughs before I did. It would've done me no good at all to distance myself through envy, because they success actually ended up helping me as well - they had advice, they could now open doors.

This. I've got a big house. DH and I have had loads of stages of working bloody hard to earn the money for it and feeling guilty that the DC are in childcare etc. No one would know it but ive had high blood pressure for years, likely due to stress. I really worry i'll hit 60 and have a stroke or heart attack.

While my own life isn’t perfect, I actually love it thanks so I have nothing to rationalise.
I think at this point I’ll leave you to your imagination about my life and how I feel about it - you do seem to be enjoying it.
And if you need me to be a mean and spiteful person (without you knowing me) then I’m happy for you to continue to think it.
If at any point you want to actually read my posts properly, you might have some understanding of what I’m actually saying rather than making me out to be some awful person.

A friend did this to me.

She was having a hard time for a number if reasons, all I wanted to do was be there for her/support her. She was really blunt and said to me that she "couldn't face you and your perfect life" and another mutual friend verified that she was making a conscious choice not to see me

It really hurt that her memory was so poor for the period 4 years earlier when I'd had 2 miscarriages and my DC was seriously ill. I didnt shut her out then when she had everything.

Things are good for me now but ive had my shit along the way. We all have. Your friend will have her own stuff going on or will have had troubles along the way.

Well people's lives being different is a fact so obvious that it doesn't really need to be said. But my point is that many women have a total inability to accept that fact that someone's life might genuinely be better than their own on all levels, and simply be ok with that. Maybe there really is nothing going on behind closed doors. What if the full picture of someone's life is exactly as perfect as they appear? What then?

The fact that you need to rationalise being able to feel good about your own life with the thought that other people must also deal with negative things behind closed doors is pretty spiteful. You may think it comes from a place of clarity or wisdom or awareness but it's basically just envy masked as kindness that small girls get exposed to (usually by their mothers) from a very young age.

I totally sympathise with you. I have a friend like this. I like him and hes lovely but I keep putting off meeting him because his life always seems so brilliant and exciting and he never has any problems, its all positive, excellent stuff.
I absolutely know this cannot be true 100% and he iust isnt sharing the shit, boring stuff but every time I meet him I come away feeling shit about myself.
I like my life and dont want to do the things he is doing. Hes worked hard and I am pleased hes happy but its a bit hard listening to it.
Sometimes friendships feel a bit more balanced when you can have a bit of a moan and discuss good and bad things from both people.

Difficult one and I feel bad im avoiding him but equally thinking I dont want to feel shit about myself again

I think you need to dig deep and ask yourself what these feelings towards your friend are really coming from.
I'm ashamed to say it now but there was a time when I distanced myself from some of my more successful friends because a)I was embarrassed at how my life had turned out and b) i genuinely believed that they were so sorted in life that there was nothing I had thar could positively contribute to their lives.
Looking back, it was depression talking and also frustration about a sustained run of bad luck in career and relationships. I had nothing to be ashamed of and they still would have valued my friendship.Mumsnet cliche i know, but i did unpack a lot of that in therapy. I am also religious and getting closer to Christian teaching really helped to give my head a wobble and view myself in a kinder light (and stop all the toxic comparison ) The friendships did survive and those women would have been so mortified if they ever knew I felt like that towards them. My point is, I don't think this is about your friend per se, it's more about your self image (and self compassion) and whether you feel deep down like you are on the right track in life.

Again you misunderstand. What is logical is that as it is vanishingly rare that anyone’s life is perfect, it’s likely that the perfect life the OP thinks her friend has isn’t actually perfect. That’s what I’m saying is the logic.
I didn’t say that it was logical to be jealous and that jealousy is automatic. Some people are prone to envy, others aren’t.
I hope you understand what I’m saying now.

Well no, plenty of us are not naturally envious at all. You don’t have to be endlessly happy for those successful in order to not be spiteful or bitter towards them.

On that note, that an emotion may be ‘natural’ doesn’t mean it’s good, shouldn’t be challenged, or should be acted upon. By the same logic, anger is natural, but we (as in society) generally acknowledge the free expression of it to be problematic, and if taken to the extreme - pathological.

This woman has done nothing against OP. She’s just happily living her life as she likes it. If someone cannot bear that and wants to distance themselves/imagine she’s secretly miserable in order to make themselves feel better, then that points to a very real problem within themselves they’d do well to tackle.

If she has no cleaner, you’re jealous that she is good at cleaning?! I’d agree with others to pull back not ditch, but are you going to feel like this every time you meet people who have things going well? Because it sounds like a miserable existence

Yes but my life isn’t perfect but I’m not envious of anyone else. That’s what we mean- you assume it’s just logic that everyone is envious of something. Lots of people don’t think like that

The few people I have known with huge beautiful houses had someone working 10+ hour days 6 or 7 days a week to pay for it. Although that won't be the case for everyone it's probably what I would have to do to even attempt to have one so I'm happy with me and my husband having a nice work life balance and living in a very ordinary semi.

I like browsing posh houses on right move but a quick look at the bottom part of the page to see what the mortgage would be is enough to put me right off! I looked at a house on there the other day - 1.3 million. Estimated mortgage at 90% £6700 a month - ouch!

You’ve misunderstood me also. I’m not saying that the feeling if jealousy is logical. What is logical is that no one knows what another person’s life is really like, it would be a rare thing indeed for someone to be able to say that in all honesty every single aspect of their life is perfect. That’s the logic I refer to.

i think the point is it’s not logic. Jealousy is jus an emotion and like any emotion people feel it to different levels. Some people don’t look at others lives with envy, even when theirs is less than perfect.

I think you misunderstand. My point is that although someone may appear to have a perfect life, they very well may not and may look at someone else’s life or aspects of it with envy.
There’s no wishing it on someone by stating this as it’s just logic. No one knows the full picture about someone’s life - just what they choose to share with those around them.
However, if you want to call me mean and spiteful just go ahead. I hope you feel better for it x

Totally agree with this.

I also think it’s so misguided because life is long and everyone’s life has lots of ups and downs.
A snapshot of where someone is now, where they have been for 5,10 years even is temporary, to a greater or lesser degree. People don’t always have to have all stages of life at once (ie they can’t be happy because there simply must be a secret unhappiness to balance it out)

It's not logic, it's a spiteful way of living and thinking. The need to dig for flaws in another person's life and match them up with dissatisfaction in your own life to feel a sense of satisfaction is not normal, but an entirely automatic way of thinking for many women. A lot of mothers talk and think like this so their daughters grow up with the same attitude without even realising it. It's the "oh she's so skinny but I bet she has an ED" or "the fanciest weddings never produce marriages that last" attitude.

It's a thin line away from actively wishing misfortune on another woman to make things "fair". Just based on the examples, you are openly entertaining the idea she might be ill, hates her work, has self esteem issues or worse. So what if she has none of those? What if she really is a blessed, happy and healthy person? There are people who are genuinely just better, healthier and richer than others. They don't necessarily have anything they would trade with others or any serious traumas in their life they couldn't overcome.

The "you also have something she's envious of" way of thinking refuses to accept the idea that there are women who might genuinely just be better on all levels. It forces the concept that to excel in one area means they must be broken or flawed somewhere else. It's small, mean and spiteful.

Op, you need to distance yourself from her because people like you are just not good for her .
She probably knows that you are envious of her , trust me .

I think you will regret it if you distance yourself because this really isn’t about your friend at all - it’s about you and something you are feeling about your own life.

If you were thinking objectively you could acknowledge that having a tidy house and going on holiday doesn’t make someone’s life perfect. Never compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.

I’ve been there though. A few years ago I was in debt and dealing with a horrible medical problem and I was so angry with people who didn’t have these issues, including friends. How could they complain about anything or think they had problems if they didn’t have those issues? Luckily I recognised it wasn’t about them and didn’t drop my friends.

You have a friend you describe as lovely. I think you would be mad to cut her out of your life for no reason other than you are jealous. There are a lot of horrible people in the world so genuinely lovely friends are really worth keeping around.

I have a friend with a perfect house .. a 5 bed newish house, on a small bespoke development. It’s spotlessly clean, had a massive garden, with a lovely summer house, outdoor kitchen, fire pit.. indoors is beautifully decorated. It’s perfect. I love going round, I tell her her house is like “club class” and I feel like I’m on holiday. I feel no jealousy at all.
She comes to me to my “lived in” 3 bed cottage, with a postage garden, and always in some level of chaos .. and she’s fine with that.

If you have a friend, with lovely things, take every opportunity to enjoy them.

Noooo! Not everyone feels envy! It can’t be true, because I dont feel it. Im lucky to have what I have, and good luck to those that have more, I hope they are enjoying it!
if I had a perfect friend with a tidy house and a nice dog I think I’d be inviting myself round there, to bask in the loveliness! But at the end of the day I’m comfortable in my own lane.

👏🏾👏🏾

My friend did this to me 😂 she was the one with the perfect life, I was less fortunate, we were genuinely the best of friends but she had started to surround herself with more “look at my new bag” friends and I think she got carried away with it. She dropped me, it is what it is.
I don’t hate her for it, it makes me sad I lost my good friend while I was losing everything else too.
I’ve just focused on my own life and I’m in a much better position now thankfully.
I think it would be good for OP to have a sit down and think on how she could make similar improvements in her own life (even if they’re on a smaller scale to her friend).