why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

So no I don’t think I have girls who just sit down meekly plaiting doll hair.

But I didn’t for a second suggest you had?

The domestic abuse rate against teenage girls is rising sadly there’s a recent report confirming this. It shouldn’t be taken as a personal attack on people’s individual sons but there is a problem here that needs to be recognised.

Thank you for taking my comments in a constructive way. I try not to judge and wouldn't want you to feel criticised.

It does sound like your husband means well, but that the status quo isn't working. If you are a feminist and you want to lead by example, then would it not be beneficial for you to be more hands-on in role modelling for your SS, rather than what sounds like hiding behind your DH to do it?

It doesn't sound like having a Mexican standoff with a child from the age of 7 is doing either of you (or the wider family) any good at all. Could you take a different approach? It's never too late to change things and as the adult, you are the one who can make that happen.

You say that he isn't allowed social media but that doesn't mean he isn't on it. Does he have his own phone/tablet/PC? Does he have freedom to spend time gaming online without being supervised? The answers to these questions may be no but I'm asking if you actually know, as it doesn't sound like you do. It sounds like you don't speak with this child very much on a one-to-one basis at all.

If he and his sister do have a misogynistic stepdad, that is totally out of their control. They don't get to have any say over who their parents form relationships with. If he was 7 when his Dad got into a relationship with you (and he has picked up on you not bonding with him) and his Mum has also got into a relationship with someone you describe as a misogynist, then the poor lad has not had a great childhood has he? We are all shaped by our environment.

His sister may seem ok now but there is a chance that as she grows up, she will have mental health issues as a result of poor parenting - and that includes your DH and you, I'm sorry to say. That isn't meant as a criticism, but more a point that the more safe and secure a child feels, the more likely they are to meet their developmental milestones as they grow up.

You can describe behaviours without needing to hate anyone. Descriptors are not inherently hateful
You didn’t use the word hate but you used the word dislike in your first post, indeed in your title.
Dislike of the boys themselves that is, not the behaviour.

I don’t deny society’s problems, but you have very little experience with raising young boys and I wonder if some of the behaviours that you find overwhelming, challenging and frustrating are a result of your unfamiliarity with typical boy development? A result of comparing them to typically developing girls?

Boy children are typically more boisterous than girls, their coordination develops later, as do more advanced language skills. They have more testosterone and less serotonin which means they can be more impulsive, hyper, physical. My primary teacher friend finds that while girls have no trouble queuing up quietly outside the classroom, boys of the same age are unable to do so (they queue, but their limbs seem to be everywhere!) This is not naughtiness, it is how they typically develop.

Could you be misinterpreting some of this normal behaviour in young boys as aggression or entitlement?

I want to be clear that I absolutely agree with you that boys should not be taught to be entitled, that they should be raised carefully, that toxic masculinity has no place in society. However, I also fear that to some extent you may be judging boys very harshly simply because they are not the same as your girls.

I only had dds, but had no problem with boys as long as they weren’t badly behaved brats.
Could say the same about whiny, sulky girls. From experience, slightly more common than objectionable boys.

So, no problem with any nice children!

I think this is a really thought provoking topic, OP - although when I read your initial post I couldn't help but feel that with such a nuanced topic:

• You are at risk of confirmation bias towards young boys' behaviour, based on your personal experiences of DV.
• There is a high chance that if you choose a position without keeping an open mind, then it'll just be a self-fulfilling prophecy for you, in that you will already be expecting your SS to do something that will bother you and make you resent him. I can't really comment on your nephews because you don't have any parental responsibility - but it could be argued that the same thing applies.

Boys do develop and mature more slowly than girls and 12 is a tough age for any kid, particularly when they live in such a grown up world with so much outside influence. It's not clear whether or not SS lives with you or stays some of the time, but if it's the latter, are you (as one of the key adults in his life) checking yourself every single time to make sure that you are giving him a chance to have any attempts at behaving well recognised? If you are looking for issues before they happen, then that reinforces a negative view for him. He may just think 'sod it, she thinks I'm naughty anyway, her body language is hostile and she is always ready to have a go at me/frown at me so I might as well not try to do better'.

That's not to say that there's anything wrong with what you are doing - and he obviously isn't your child. It's good that your DH is backing you up but is he doing enough? Because it sounds like he isn't, if the problems are ongoing. Does your DH have a good understanding of how SS is doing in terms of educational attainment and health? Is DH aware of anything that could be affecting his behaviour - for example is he watching any "influencers" on Twitch or other platforms? Who are they? Does DH have oversight of his online behaviour?

It's also sad to hear that the girls in the household are finding it difficult, which is more reason to get to the bottom of any underlying issues. He may be deeply insecure in himself and acting out as a way of trying to have some control. I'm sure he is annoying (I don't doubt that at all) but it might be better to understand the reason and work on bonding with him, rather than staying angry. He is a little boy, even if he doesn't seem like one.

I don't jumping to examples about the Kray twins or toxic masculinity in terms of any of these boys is necessarily helpful at this point in terms of your SS or nephews, although I do think you've made some interesting points.

I hope you receive this reply as it's intended (to add some points, not to be combative)

You are using familial references to make your point but also unfortunately you are falling into the trap of not questioning your culture systems, media and information systems have shaped your perception. Ideological extremes are part of the problem e.g. the manosphere, constantly positioning ourselves in this polarised way is part of the problem, society has forgotten how to pay attention and critically reflect on what is in front of them.

I agree.

My ds 12 is really in to mangas. First I was disappointed because I would have preferred for him to read "real" books. But now I'm thrilled because the manga community is very helpful in not stereotyping gender. He has a mixt group of friends (both sex) and they tend to not only talk about mangas but also have many deep conversations about life. My sensitive boy has found his people. Defintely no misogyny in the group- they even talk about unfair expectations on boys vs girls.

I take your point but I somewhat disagree with it.

Men are not violent because they are mainly raised by women. They are violent because there are not enough good men around to be role models. The men need to change not the women.

Fair point; but who is blaming just mothers? Obviously fathers, politicians, school, media etc are responsible. My point was that many on this forum just don't agree that there is a problem with how boys are brought up at all.

there is no post of mine where I used hateful language towards boys

Hmm. These are the words you use to describe boys/men in your OP:
Dislike, overwhelming , frustrating, self-centered, lazy, know better, opt out, overbearing, yell, mansplain, challenging, mopes, entitled, nice, useless.

Whoever you think is at fault, it is exceptionally clear that your opinions are biased. Your clear dislike of boys and lack of neutral judgement have resulted in pushback on this thread and you really shouldn’t be surprised by that.

My issue with this thread is that women/mums are being overall blamed for male violence, that they didn't bring them up well.

Male violence needs to be tackled by the men being violent and the supposedly good men who stand around condoning it.

I think any points about patriarchy etc would have landed better if they weren’t coming from someone who clearly just dislikes boys as per your thread title. It’s hard to separate out your very clear bias from any valid points you might have. Basically, you’re not a reliable reporter.