why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

Read all your posts @Halfmunch and to me… you have an unhappy family and home life is a pants for everyone. And you want someone to blame for your unhappiness.

I don’t think it is. Some peoples sons are harder to warm to, just like some peoples daughters are.
I have four children.
Two of my children are messier and need to be told to help round the house,
Two of them are very tidy and help without asking.
Two lose their tempers very quickly and as teenagers have done things like punch a wall or break something in a temper.
Do I have sons, daughters or both?
What were you hoping to achieve with this thread?

I understand the role of a step parent and agree with @yebba2026 . You do have a relationship with him as a step parent and you can have some influence, if you choose to. Or you can disengage entirely, stating reasons, which would be a loss. I wonder if you're feelings about boys generally are tied into possibly unfavourable feelings about having a step child? It's not easy. But both boys and girls can have unpleasant traits. I'm not a parent but gained two step daughters and I could've written an equally unflattering post about them in their much younger years. I chose to lean in. There were many times where I wondered if my relationship with DH would survive. It did. I have a really good relationship with both adult DSSs now. They have two parents but my relationship with them is both separate and complimentary.

I'd recommend Stepmonster as a useful read on the topic.

Baffled by this. The boys I knew were cute, hilarious, energetic, loving and empathetic. Yes as teenagers they had somewhat challenging moments.

If we’re being stereotypical then many girls were also a nightmare, stroppy, difficult, moody, sometimes bitchy and overly judgmental.

I have a daughter and a son. They have both been amazing and challenging in different ways. I don’t think it’s right to say ‘all boys’ or ‘all girls’. Of course some children are annoying and difficult but I don’t think it’s down to gender, just different personalities.

God only knows why you're getting such a hard time on this thread @Halfmunch I think you're speaking a lot of sense and I am one of those women who is trying their absolute best to raise a future good man and I refuse to be blind to my (much-adored but still human) son's flaws. And yes I'm also correcting my daughter's many flaws but, as you've quite rightly pointed out, only one of my children is part of the group of people who are known to commit violence against women.

I think there’s a term for this… misandry. Can you imagine if a man said this about girls? Jesus wept, there’d be uproar.

I have 5 DC and have always found my boys much easier to handle than girls. I love them all dearly obviously but my DD’s have always been way more highly strung, DD1 in particular. Tantrums galore, storming off, shouting, bickering with each other over silly things, bitching endlessly about silly fall outs with friends at school etc.

My DS’s just sort of get on with life, they’re no hassle, never have any bitching or moaning and certainly no tantrums. Can hand on heart say I can count on both hands the amount of times I’ve had to tell the three of them off vs the hundreds of times I’ve had words with DD’s.

I love my friends boy children I think the ones in your family sound worse than average

I would add that I'm absolutely not trying to invalidate you or your feelings. I'm trying to understand why you appear to be so dispassionate about your step son and why you haven't worked on developing your bond with him. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a 7 year old boy to be expected to adapt to change in the way that he has, without a stepmum who actively wanted to form a bond with him. That's so sad.

No one needs to call CAMHs in for help with male entitlement.

He's 12 years old! I have shoes older than him!! You clearly have no idea what this 12 year old CHILD is going through and have no interest in finding out. I find that really concerning.

he’s also sometimes entitled, dominating and arrogant and I am trying to set a a good example.

How are you trying to do that though? You are married to his father - a man who has a responsibility to be a positive influence to him and will arguably be the the main male role model he will ever have in his life. As a parent, he has a responsibility to parent his child to be independent and respectful - and from what you've said, you don't get involved in that. How are you personally "trying" to set a good example?

I’m not describing boys who are having difficulties at school.

Two things can be true at the same time. A boy struggling wouldn't necessarily show through their academic achievement or ability to maintain friendships. This lad appears no safe space of his own. He is split between two blended families which he didn't ask for. He could well still be struggling to process past trauma.

You say that your daughter has ADHD. I expect she is bloody full on and I say that as someone with ADHD! I expect you overlook a lot of her behaviour because of her condition and he probably realises how unequal the household is for him. That isn't his fault.

It’s not my role as a step mum to root around in a 12yo boys mind or psyche to try to fix something that is a wider society issue!

I think it is, actually. You married a man with children and then rejected a 7 year old boy because you didn't take time to understand him? That seems pretty self-serving and not child focused. You wanted the man without the baggage? It doesn't work like that.

As I said in my first reply to you, I think you raised some interesting points. However, it's becoming increasingly clear that where you are demanding that "society" has an answer to this, you are part of "society" - and also an integral part of this boy's family.

Society begins at home, so what are you going to do to make this boy feel safe enough to settle down and work on his behaviour?

But still he's 12 and arguably from a broken home..

This is a you problem OP and theres no doubt in my mind your stepson feels it from you, he probably doesnt bother much as he knows hes being compared to your precious princesses.
I have boys and they are the most gorgeous, kind, funny, caring and affectionate people I know. Open your mind a bit and you'll realise it has nothing to do with gender

I’m not at all a fan of gender stereotypes so I agree with you there.

It wasn’t actually gender stereotypes I was talking about upthread though. It was the innate differences in child development between boys and girls…the nature part rather than the nurture part if you will. I’m still not sure if you accept the differences are real? I hope you do. I think it’s unfair on the boys in your life otherwise.

I'm not trying to give you marital advice? In terms of parenting advice, if you take it that way I can't stop you.

You've said, "boys should be taught how to express emotions, and culture emotional intelligence rather than be told boys don’t cry, or to rely on use their physical presence to communicate".

I agree, yet you are leaving the parenting to your DH, despite you being a married couple and one half of the responsible adults within your home. You could be spending 1:1 time with your SS, getting to the root of his behaviour, finding out what makes him tick and whether he has any worries. You didn't answer the question about whether your DH knows how SS is doing at school? If he is struggling, he can be referred for talking therapy. Do you know if he is affected by trauma? I would think it's possible with the amount of upheaval he has already experienced in his young life.

It sadly sounds like you have written this lad off and therefore nothing is going to improve. I don't think you can go around labelling 12 year old boys and suggesting that they pose a threat to the girls in your home, without taking some ownership of the issue.

You seem to be hellbent on this being a boys vs girls issue and also blaming the parenting of other people. However, when you marry a man who already has children then they come as a package. You may not see it as a parental duty to ensure that this boy is raised with the values that you want him to have, but if you don't then nobody else is going to do it? Your husband is clearly not doing enough so it sounds like a united front is needed here.

Obviously you might just want to ignore all advice and rant into the void about how all boys are going to become future abusers. Can't do much about that other than disagree. It seems to me that the outcome here depends on the input you are willing to invest to improve the situation.

My son is great.

I'm very much not a NAMALT - but in this case, not all boys are like that! Also I'm getting sick of so many posts slagging off younger people on MN. At this rate it should be renamed Angry Older Person's Net.

No, I said some of it is parenting. I said there are developmental differences between boys and girls but you’re dismissing that as ‘tropes’.

They do develop differently and that needs to be taken into account. They are often more boisterous. Some of it is socialisation, some personality (of course), but some is just the fact that boys’ development is not the same as girls’. There are coordination differences and language differences as children for example.

Talk to teachers or child psychologists if you don’t believe me.

I have three boys, no girls. I’ll take boys any day over girls.

Some of the things you mention on your list are down to poor parenting, others are more natural behaviours at a particular age, for example the overtaking on a bike, wanting to be in front. Boys do that to one another too. You may be looking at that particular behaviour as sexist because that’s the idea already in your head. I always wanted the biggest slice of something when I was small (all of us kids did, boys and girls).
At least some of this is confirmation bias on your part I feel.

This is an issue with how these kids are raised...nothing to do with their sex!