AIBU to challenge my partner's Sunday football commitment and family time?

If this is a bloke, then the group think behaviour of male football and rugby teams is not unlikely to lead to a longer and longer time in the pub.

Personal experience of a football playing husband who didn't like the drinking culture but had to work very hard to be accepted by the team and get to play, and still get home to get on with the rest of his day.

It's what men who like those sports do. NAMALT, obviously 🙃

You’re right. Dh would probably just be sitting on his arse while op did everything as usual…

The fact that the he has assumed she will do it without discussion.

And..? I go for a drink after a class sometimes 🤷‍♀️

And I used to enjoy our days out together on Sundays, perhaps my partner less so?!

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy your days out as a family, but he’s been offered a chance to join a club/sport that he enjoys and he wants to try it. And why not? It’s important for parents to still have hobbies and socialise. Do you have any hobbies? Do you see friends, have time away from the children?

Do you have big family days out Saturday and Sunday? Can you not make Saturday the “big” day out, and still do something nice on Sunday that ends by 4pm? To be honest I think 4pm is a pretty decent time, it allows you to still have the majority of the day together. It would be worse if it was 12-3pm or something, slap bang in the middle of the day. Or if you begrudge him having time away from the kids and you don’t, you say you want Sundays 9-12 to yourself to go out, grab coffee with a friend, do something for you. Then you have a few hours in the afternoon to do something all together. I don’t know. I just really don’t think this is that bad. You’ve still got SO much family time at the weekend to do nice things together.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that a match at 4pm soon turns into going for "just one drink with the team" after ........

It would annoy me too, but I don’t think you’ll get anywhere if you keep arguing about it.

When you’ve both cooled down, maybe a conversation to say you thought you’d agreed x re family weekends, you were hurt that he’s unilaterally changed that, but how can you now move forward?

Suggestions:

• You ringfence Saturdays now for family days and both firm agree on that
• You make a new Sunday afternoon tradition with just you and kids- ice cream in park? Hot chocolate in a cafe? Movie time?
• You ringfence some time just for you where he looks after kids

My dad used to play cricket and I have fond memories of going as a family. Watching then playing with the other kids of parents playing and then Picnic tea and home and almost time for bed

go with him. Take a book. Usually at parks so kids run about

and yes make sure have some own time sun am

an Saturday be your family day. Unless kids have activities or go after

A lot here depends on what else your partner does at home, whether he’s generally supportive. He should definitely have talked to you about it.
He probably just needs some time doing something for himself but hasn’t articulated this well because he knew you’d be upset.
I would lean towards trying to accommodate him and maybe finding something you want to do when he takes the kids for you.
Can you have family days out on Saturday
or Sunday morning instead.

My husband also plays competitive football on Sundays but doesn’t get called every week. He was good about it though, he was getting quite down and eventually told me he needed to do something more than just work and family time. It does work because I get some time alone with the children.

That's a exactly what I thought!

As you work from home, what other adult company do you have, apart from your partner? Could you organise something sociable one evening a week? Every weekend without doing anything separately seems like quite a lot. Sunday afternoon is always the least good part of the weekend anyway.

I disagree 4pm on a Sunday is a bad time. You can lie in while he gets up and takes the kids out for the morning and then prep and enjoy a nice Sunday lunch together. Clear up, prep for the week ahead or play with the kids together and then he goes to football while you do bath and bedtime for the kids and then you can jump in the bath with a book and he can do any evening settling. Watch a film together when he's had a shower.

It leaves all on Saturday free for a day out together.

Sorry but your husband not doing equal childcare and you not taking time for yourself is the problem, not the football.

What are you doing in the precious Family Time. Presumably, if anything, you are booking are organising stuff and hoping for an extra pair of hands because your husband leaves you to the lions share during the week.

There's nothing wrong with him playing football on a Sunday. You're being controlling about it because you're bitter about something else, so address that. Do you need him to pull his weight more in the week? Do you want him to do meal prep on a Sunday morning or take the kids to the park for a kick around for a few hours? Perhaps book a fortnightly Saturday trip out together to look forward to.

Clearly you see weekends as family time but that isn't in of itself a plan so agree clearer plans. Presumably you both want a nice time together as a family, so plan when and what that is. He wants to play football, fine, you get some nice time with the kids when hes out and then he does too, so what do you want to do while he has quality time with them?

I think ‘assuming’ is the problem both sides - you assumed all weekend was “sacred”, he assumed Sunday afternoons were up for grabs. You both need to communicate a bit better.

I don’t think you can really flat out refuse this - it’s not a huge commitment and you can plan around it. Your kids will likely start dance or football or tennis or whatever soon anyway so weekends will keep changing. The most important thing now is to make sure you also spend a few hours each week doing what you want to do too. You don’t want to turn into a martyr or the default parent if he’s never on his own with the kids.

I mean, how many full days out does one family need!?! Surely you would run out of places to go (and money) if you went out every Saturday and every Sunday for full days??
I feel that by 4pm on Sunday the weekend is almost done anyway. The perfect time for a hobby.
Are your kids difficult to manage by yourself OP?

Sunday's pretty much over by that time be grateful it's not 11am it's hardly excessive
You've still got most of the day and Saturday
Sport is a great outlet for physical and mental health
Find something for yourself if you're worried about fair split of time.

Have Saturday as family time. You get Sunday morning to yourself. He gets 3pm to 8pm to himself for football. That seems a good balance to me. In my house cricket rules. Every Saturday from 12-8pm and Sundays from 11-6pm I have 3 late teens who all play cricket for different teams. DH and I drive them, take a picnic and watch them play in turn. It's different from the days we did family things every weekend but actually it's a nice afternoon out. I get to sit and chat to friends, have a glass of wine and enjoy the sunshine.

Can’t you have your days out on Saturday instead?

4pm on Sunday for a few hours is the end of the weekend. I am confused why it sucks? You still have two full days of family time. Sunday could be a work day with a 4pm start.

Reframe Sundays in your head. At 9am you go out and do something which revitalises you, whether it’s a sport or exercise, a walk, a chance to do some sketching, or a morning with your book in a lovely spot. Then at 12 or 1 you get home and spend the afternoon doing nice pottering things at home. Your kids are a really good age to be doing their own things at home- Lego, reading, games together- and it’s probably nice for them to have a relaxed Sunday afternoon. If you like food, you could cook something that takes a bit more time than you usually get.

OTOH if the issue isn’t the time away but the high-handed nature of your partner’s behaviour, or if s/he sabotages your personal time so you don’t get any, that’s a different problem and would require different solutions.

The timing would really annoy me, because late Sunday afternoon until bedtime here is key “homework, lunches for week, uniform sorting, bag packing, hair washing, making and eating dinner” time and I’d be annoyed if DH was not here to help. I guess we’d have to move things to accommodate, which I’d be more likely to do graciously if actually asked instead of being told it was “non-negotiable”.

But three hours a weekend doesn’t seem that big of a deal when you could presumably just do a day out on Saturday? Does this also involve training in the week?

That’s the end of the weekend, a much better time and well thought out. I used to do a class at 5pm on a Sunday leave at 4 and back at 7. It was perfect as it didn’t disrupt our weekends.

you sound very resentful OP.

With football some weekends you can take the kids to and support him/her and they will enjoy it, may even want to get involved themselves.

Could you plan days out for Saturday? What’s the barrier to you not having time to yourself? Could you take it if you wanted?

YABU - it’s only 3 hours and every parent needs some time out to themselves and an interest outside of work and parenting….. including you!!! Make sure you carve out the same amount of time for yourself.

What do you feel like you are missing out on? What activities would you otherwise be doing as a family? I would hazard a guess that most weekends you could get up early, still do what you planned to do, and then him head straight off to football