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Original poster

Sen parents - how do you manage the impact on siblings?

34 replies

Patronus27 · 25/04/2026 17:00

My 9 year old ds has adhd, dyspraxia and is autistic. He's having a really hard time at the moment, school and social situations are becoming increasingly challenging for him. As a result I try to keep weekends as low demand as possible, we usually spend it outdoors away from people where he can just decompress and run around. However I also have a very sociable and outgoing 6 year old dd. I'm usually on my own with the kids all weekend due to my dp's job and balancing their conflicting needs is a nightmare.

I feel like I'm constantly having to tell my dd we can't do things because I know her brother won't cope with it. For example she was desperate to go to a local fair last week, but I couldn't take her because I knew my ds wouldn't be able to tolerate the noise, smells and crowds.
Today she had a party and while the host was really accommodating and let me drop and run, in the 10 minutes we were there to pick her up my ds had a massive meltdown. I feel eaten up by guilt, because it's like I'm failing both of them right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patronus27 · 25/04/2026 17:33

Sorry I may not have explained myself properly, yes as Dora said he had a meltdown when I picked her up, we were literally there no more than 10 minutes. My dp has just changed jobs to be here more in the evenings as they are difficult too, the trade off is he has to work weekends.

The resentment is what I'm worried about, we're not in a position to hire help but I do have family that might be willing to help a bit more.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 25/04/2026 17:31

Do you have friends with DC who understand? Maybe they could take DD along on their days out and you offer to have their DC over another day.

Would your 9yo be able to stay at home alone for short periods? My ADHD possibly ASD 7yo can, but we do live in a different EU country where it's normal for children to have more independence earlier than the UK. I know in the UK a 7yo would not usually stay at home alone at all, but by 9 it might be OK? Obviously that doesn't cover things like the fair, but could cover a party drop off.

If your DS isn't on any medication that might be a conversation worth having with a doctor, when DS2 started medication it transformed our lives from one where weekends had to be fully centred around allowing him to recharge from the utter nightmare school was for him, to one where we can balance the DC's needs much more. DS2's needs haven't disappeared but they are much more manageable, because he can now cope with school.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 25/04/2026 17:28

Do you have any family that can take DS - say every fortnight for Saturday afternoon so then you can do more social/ loud one on one things with your DD?

Otherwise finding a good babysitter building up overtime relationships with the babysitter so DS can stay with the babysitter?

I think it’s really important to give your DD one to one time so she knows she’s important too.

Otherwise I echo the others your DH might have to find a non weekend role.

babyproblems · 25/04/2026 17:27

Agree with pp that this is a big enough deal to merit your husband changing jobs. I was going to suggest seeing if you can find anyone who could look after your son sometimes so you can take your dd out and do things together. I think you’re correct that this is huge for her to not have you available and to also have limitations on very normal activities. I am surprised at their ages that there is not already resentment brewing.

Katemax82 · 25/04/2026 17:23

Have you got any family who can help take your daughter to stuff? My sister uses to take my daughter out sometimes as I have 2 autistic sons

hahabahbag · 25/04/2026 17:22

Over time you learn how to manage situations eg ear defenders are brilliant and also sunglasses to reduce stimulation, I also found bribery worked wonders with dd1 (she has autism, dyspraxia, general anxiety and other multi letter disorders that I loose track of, each specialist gives new letters!) eg if you come to x for 2 hours you get y treat or extra computer time. Dd2 didn’t go without except she never got to go to an ai holiday place as neither dd1 nor their father would behave coped, I did take her alone after splitting up from their dad

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 25/04/2026 17:17

Any chance your DH can change his job? Do you have any family that could support at weekends? Or could you afford to pay for a PA?
Divide and conquer, it's the only way.

DoraSpenlow · 25/04/2026 17:15

She was able to drop her DD and run. DS had a meltdown at pick up.

I'm sorry OP, I have No idea how to navigate this.

Pugglywuggly · 25/04/2026 17:04

Why did you have to pick her up because he had a meltdown if it was a drop and run?

I think it's easy to prioritise his needs over hers because they feel more immediate and with a bigger fallout. But for her, this is a situation that will breed resentment and distance - for her brother and for you. It is a big enough problem that your DH needs to look at alternative work if you are to do both of your children justice.