Sen parents - how do you manage the impact on siblings?

It's kind of an impossible question when there is only one of you and they have competing needs. Young carers starts from 8 where are and I would highly recommend.

I would try to get her into a nice exhausting activity on Sat mornings! Something like dance where you're expected to drop and run, so you can take DS off while DD has a good run around. This will get her some interaction and fun without using up too much of DS's resources and she will be happier with a quieter afternoon. Or vice versa. Whatever you can find that she would LOVE to do.

Things like trips out to a woodland park with a play trail or a little farm with season tickets, so yo ucan just go for a little bit and don't have to worry about getting your money's worth.

Think you are going to have to make an effort to try and prioritise your daughter’s needs and you and your son will have to find out ways for him to process and cope in these situations. You said that he is newly diagnosed so your are probably at the start of the journey, but is he likely to be able to live or work independently in adulthood, if so it’s worth your time investing in finding ways for him to able to cope in these situations, and that in turn will also benefit your daughter.

Obviously working things out logistically so your daughter can attend as much as possible is in her benefit and you will just have to accept that fitting that stuff in will mean that your son does kick off. But when this happens don’t make a big deal of it in front of your daughter, she cannot feel like her life is making everyone else’s more difficult. There was recently a podcast on happy mum happy baby on autism and the woman was talking about how she explained autism to her younger child, so might be worth a listen.

Reponses like this are nuts.

surely the op isn’t stupid enough to not have thought of this !!?

It is really hard trying to balance such differing needs. My eldest has ASD/ADHD and in our case his challenges have developed and had more impact on the younger two DC as he's grown older (during teenage and now young adult years - DS is 21, siblings are younger teens). I do feel as if I walk a constant tightrope and never quite get it right. I try and give each of them individual support but the reality is that when eldest DS is struggling everything has to stop to support him.

You've had some really good advice here already OP. The only thing I'd add is that I think it's really, really important to regularly openly and verbally acknowledge to your NT children, at an age appropriate level, that you get that it's tough for them, that you understand that the ND sibling's disability has and will continue to have an impact on them, that you love and are proud of them just as you love and are proud of the ND sibling etc etc.

I definitely feel it has helped to have those regular informal check ins with DS's siblings, to just keep those lines of communication open, even if it's just a quick chat in the car or at bedtime etc. It's horribly easy to focus on the struggling child and just rely on the 'easy' child/children to adapt and get on with it.

Its really hard and I had to make peace with myself that I couldn't always get it right. Its not what I wanted. I suspect it will be something he needs support with when older.

My DH did have to change jobs to help more.

We tried to do some things they both could access so they had positive experiences together. We found a charity that did walking a donkey around and getting small animals.

We did a lot of things where just one parents went.

We relied heavily of friends to take him to places when we couldnt.

Signed up for young carers.

Tried not to always 'blame' sibling if another reason could be found.

My kids are now adults, but I remember reading a book called "The other one" and it hit me hard, I tried really hard to make sure that my other son had lots of , just him opportunities. For us, it was martial arts, or hot choc and cake trips together.

With DH working weekends, I totally get that evenings are hard as they are in my house. I would prioritise a night or two with DD.
would she also like to go to a club? It would be good socially for her and it’s something just for her.

Weekends, I think I’d still like to prioritise sometime for DD, ask for some help from family.

I would get DD put down as a young carer.

Maybe try weekday things with your youngest in the evening when your DH is home? Swimming, bowling, the cinema even just going for a walk?

OP says she can’t leave him alone, not even alone downstairs in the house for example.

Couldn’t he stay in the car ? Reading a book or something?

I have the same issue, to a lesser extent, with my two.

In your setup I wouldn’t worry about the weekend, I would just focus really hard on making sure that you have quality one-to-one time with dd.

So, if DH doesn’t work evenings, could you and dd do something every Friday evening? And could she have a club on another night which dh takes to and collects so that she has one-to-one with him on another night?

For parties, I’d drop and run (as you’ve been doing) if her behaviour is good and then ask another parent to walk her out at the end - you stay in the car with ds.

My brother has a lot of additional care needs due to a severe physical disability. I remember growing up, we did do family days out but there would also be a lot of times where it would be a case of one parent would take the other children out and the other would remain with my brother of the activity wasn't suitable. My parents also utilised grandparent help and respite to ensure that we got plenty of one to one time

I am a “sibling”. Growing up, family life was different from my friends’ lives, and there were many sacrifices. But also I could see 100% that my parents were heroes and (both at the time, even from an v young age, and with hindsight) I understood. My very disabled sibling made us closer and stronger as a family, in ways I see even more clearly now. Sometimes things were hard. But ultimately we were happy and I always felt very loved, which is the most important thing. You’re clearly doing an amazing job. Don’t feel guilty, you’re doing your best and that’s all you can do. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself xxx

It's interesting how things have flipped, in the past it would have been the child with the disability who would have been sent to boarding school or residential care. Certainly that was the case for a friends younger brother now in his 60s.

Register your youngest as a young carer. Our 5yo is registered for a similar reason. Yes, she’s not doing personal care but she does do things to mitigate the eldest health conditions and even at 5 can say what she’s worried / frustrated / sad about and the young carers service gives her a lot of support.

lots of different scenarios depending on ages and triggers.
currently i have family that have the non sen older child in day boarding, so that the child can have after school activities and time away.
the sen child is maturing slowly and the plan for boarding is temporary.

You’re going to have to prioritise your DD sometimes, otherwise she is going to resent the situation and it could cause huge problems over time. If that means your DH having to change jobs again then that might have to be what happens, there are plenty of careers which don’t mean working weekends and evenings.

Please try to make time to do things just with your daughter. A friend whose one child was profoundly disabled now bitterly regrets that she does not have a single photo of doing something with her daughter. Friends were kind and included her daughter in their days out , but now she has not got a single shared memory with her daughter. In her case her disabled son eventually had to move to residential care but sadly it was too late to really forge a strong relationship with her daughter. Please do try to find a family member who will care for your son even if just for a few hours at a time so that you can build memories with your daughter. Also ask school if they know of any local charities which run groups for siblings of children with special needs.

13, 10 and 9 year olds here. 13 year old has a lot of additional needs and needs a lot of care and attention. Every house is different but ours wouldn't function well with a parent working either evenings or weekends. Dh is in a job he doesn't particularly like with a low(ish) salary but he can work 8-4.30 every day and never works later than that or on weekends so it works for us.

We divide and conquer a lot, either DH or I bring the younger 2 to whatever parties/activities etc are on while the other stays at home with DS1.

We get 2 nights respite a month for DS so they and use that time together to do stuff with the younger 2(just stuff like going out for dinner or to the cinema) that DS doesn't enjoy.

Big hugs to you, it's hard.

Ah sorry Xposted with the job post. That is tricky and sometimes you have to make those trade offs.

Do you have a SEN social worker? Via them you may qualify for respite. My son used to go from school until Sunday ever other weekend so we could do stuff with the other 2

And yes to considering whether the job situation could possibly change. DH explicitly asked me not to take a job which would have me working weekends and it does help a lot that we are both here and can divide up the DC when necessary.