Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you accept a very long engagement after a partner’s difficult divorce?

85 replies

Sally20099 · 25/04/2026 13:21

I’ve heard from one of my friends that DP is going to propose soon. (She apparently knows this as she is married to one of his friends who is in on the secret). DP and I share two DC together and are very happy and I would definitely want to get married. However, my question for you all… he went through a messy divorce before we met, and apparently doesn’t really want to get married again for a long time. As well as the emotional impact, he lost a lot of his long standing family money in the divorce and seems quite scarred by this. Despite this, he is supposed to be “desperate” to show his love and commitment by proposing and getting engaged, but only with plans to marry a long time in the future. (1) I feel this level of knowledge seems rather detailed and I wonder if I’m being sounded out to see how I feel?. (2) I can’t decide whether I want to be engaged in that way. I’m curious on others opinions please?

OP posts:
ginasevern · 25/04/2026 15:28

@Sally20099 If you'll be financially sound without a contract (marriage) then don't bother. If you did marry and divorce he would be able to claim half of your assets, including your pension. If you're better off than him, then think seriously about it. And don't think divorce will never happen to you.

Thundertoast · 25/04/2026 15:26

Im a bit surprised that your primary concern is that your partner isnt just having this conversation with you directly?? You've had two kids together and he's still not mature enough to raise this with you? He's already been divorced once but thinks this is an appropriate way to communicate?

Dozer · 25/04/2026 15:24

If he doesn’t want to share his money and assets in the event of breaking up, or want you to do so, doesn’t want marriage, engagement to marry is illogical.

The most likely motive to propose in this scenario is that he thinks you want marriage and he wants to stay in the relationship for now, ie string you along.

Friend has given you a heads up.

tryandbepositive · 25/04/2026 15:20

Why have two children with someone you don’t have a basic understanding with? I’m probably too old fashioned on this subject, but for me you get marriage and agreed vision aligned first then you think about children

Original poster
Sally20099 · 25/04/2026 15:17

AudiobookListener · 25/04/2026 14:34

Why are you waiting for him to propose to you? You have two children together and should have sorted this before the first. Protect yourself by proposing to him this weekend and booking the register office. If he says no, at least you will know that you need to sort out your own financial security going forward.

I don’t need protecting - why do so many see their DP / DH as cash machines? Very strange. I earn more than him and also half the equity in our home.

OP posts:
mcmuffin22 · 25/04/2026 15:14

NuffSaidSam · 25/04/2026 13:26

I'd be very suspicious of a man who is willing to make two babies with someone, but doesn't feel up to the commitment of marriage. You've already made the biggest commitment there is, marriage is really just for legal protection at this point.

I think this too. If you both wanted such different things you should have talked about it before you had two children together.

Newyearawaits · 25/04/2026 15:09

Iloveshihtzus · 25/04/2026 13:30

Well he already managed to have 2 DC with you despite his messy divorce. How long have you been together that he still needs you to prove that you won’t run off with his money?

I would never have had children with someone without marriage so only you can decide if the crumbs on offer now are better than what you have if you turn him down.

Show quote history

'crumbs on offer' is a bit extreme.
Some men have had their fingers burnt badly by divorce and I can understand why some men are reluctant to marry again.
Some women are vultures and ruin it for those who genuinely aren't out for all they can get, way beyond reason.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/04/2026 15:08

My opinion is that your friend is a crap friend for stirring the pot. Presumably she wants to put you off. Wait until he proposes and then discuss it. Tell the friend to mind her own business

PillsBox · 25/04/2026 15:02

The guy’s got two kids with you.

I can’t take this seriously lol.

Madarch · 25/04/2026 15:00

If you really would like to get married (or at least be engaged), is there a reason why you can't propose?

Original poster
Sally20099 · 25/04/2026 14:57

tryandbepositive · 25/04/2026 14:27

Is this another one post provocative subject thread AGAIN? With no op response

All I wanted was to canvas opinions to calibrate my own thoughts and feelings. Why do you think it’s provocative?

OP posts:
NamingNoNames · 25/04/2026 14:55

It means you get a fancy ring, that's all.

Likeabirdjoyfully · 25/04/2026 14:51

Ignore these rumours. They could mean anything or nothing.

KateBushAgain · 25/04/2026 14:48

It’s an insult , I’d be furious.

AudiobookListener · 25/04/2026 14:34

Why are you waiting for him to propose to you? You have two children together and should have sorted this before the first. Protect yourself by proposing to him this weekend and booking the register office. If he says no, at least you will know that you need to sort out your own financial security going forward.

Credittocress · 25/04/2026 14:31

Sounds like he has little to no intention of actually getting married, he’s throwing you a little bone to keep you happy and onside but isn’t actually offering you anything at all.

tryandbepositive · 25/04/2026 14:27

Is this another one post provocative subject thread AGAIN? With no op response

giraffeandahalf · 25/04/2026 14:26

HipsterHighStreet · 25/04/2026 13:54

An engagement isn’t a sign of commitment these days anyway. Legally it means nothing. If he wants to show commitment he can only do that by actually committing. Not by making non-binding gesture saying that he plans to commit at some undefined time in the distant future.

(I hope you are both protected OP in the event that one of you dies unexpectedly, so the surviving partner won’t be left with a legal tangle on top of everything else.)

Show quote history

Quite

cestlavielife · 25/04/2026 13:55

You need to discuss this with him not your friends or here

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 25/04/2026 13:54

Either get married or don't, but make sure you both have wills. I see no point in getting engaged tbh with two kids together and would wonder why he thought this was a good idea.

HipsterHighStreet · 25/04/2026 13:54

giraffeandahalf · 25/04/2026 13:48

That’s not really an engagement, it’s just a gesture

An engagement isn’t a sign of commitment these days anyway. Legally it means nothing. If he wants to show commitment he can only do that by actually committing. Not by making non-binding gesture saying that he plans to commit at some undefined time in the distant future.

(I hope you are both protected OP in the event that one of you dies unexpectedly, so the surviving partner won’t be left with a legal tangle on top of everything else.)

WallaceinAnderland · 25/04/2026 13:51

Getting married is such a personal discussion which will affect the rest of your life both legally and financially. I cannot for one moment imagine not discussing this with my partner.

You should have discussed all of this already before he even 'proposes'.

It's up to you what you want but for me I don't see any point in getting engaged unless you are willing to set the date.

giraffeandahalf · 25/04/2026 13:49

And shitty behaviour if you already have children together

giraffeandahalf · 25/04/2026 13:48

That’s not really an engagement, it’s just a gesture

Hankunamatata · 25/04/2026 13:43

He isnt going to marry you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread