Would you accept a very long engagement after a partner’s difficult divorce?

You have two children together. The time for healing from his previous relationship was a long time ago. That horse has bolted.

I wouldn’t have a child with someone who wasn’t ready to marry me first. But someone who has had two children and still needs years of being engaged to get up the nerve to get married doesn’t really want to be married to you. It’s both feet in or nothing at all for me.

Because historically woman who have children and are not married have been left in a terrible financial position if they break up

This.
Completely agree.
He's trying to manage her.
Shut her up more like.
After two children?
Because he doesn't trust after his divorce?

I think it is so deeply sad just how low the relationship bar is for some, and just how little some women are prepared to settle for.

He's no prize.
I would think a long engagement only further humiliation, publicly.
The idea of sussed out.....after two children?
Teenage stuff and so cringe.

The OP deserves so much better but has settled for so little.

Are you very young? I think that makes a difference. We got together at 18 and were married at 27 which felt about right. We had bought a flat together during that time but no kids until marriage.

I wouldn't bother marrying him in your position. Unless you're doing it for financial protection which you don't need, or for some romantic urge which you don't seem to have, just stay as you are. If he does propose, tell him that's lovely, thanks for the ring but let's stay as we are.

I don’t really see a difference in your current situation and an engagement? You are already both committed to one another, I see this as good as engaged. So you're already in a long engagement in my eyes, whether a couple decides to marry or not, there’s commitment there.

You’ve not stated in your OP whether you are wanting the proposal otherwise you will rethink the relationship so I still don’t see what a proposal and/or long engagement will alter or ‘trigger’ in you to suddenly be unhappy.

If you and your DP were happy to carve a life out together, I really don’t see what adding an engagement (long or short) will change about this. There’s clearly been no rush beforehand so why would a proposal change that.

So, I would be inclined to say that YABU.

I had a messy divorce from ex before I met now dg. He proposed me three years into relationship but I said no. This was when we found out I am pregnant with dc1. Fourteen years and one more dc later I finally felt ready to marry. I just informed Dh that let’s get married. He was straight away into it and we got planning, and finally married.

The point of this comment is to try to prevent the OP from continuing to be a passive passenger in her own life, hearing from third parties about her partner’s intentions and meekly wondering about whether to ‘accept’ his failure to protect her economically.

posted too early: OP if you are the wealthier partner don't marry. Just carry on as you are.

Tell your DP that his friends have blabbed.

Ask him why he wants to get married? Are you his first relationship since this messy divorce? Why can't you just carry on as you are?

But to answer the question. I would not accept a proposal in these circs.

Edit: i missed that you share DC.

What on earth is the point of this comment? Do you think OP has a time machine or something?

People who have endured a horrible divorce have very different views from those who haven't. It's very hard for the latter group to understand. It's not that you don't trust your partner specifically, it's that all your faith in love and other people has been destroyed. Your eyes have been opened. Together with the almost-half divorce rate, you wonder what you could ever have been thinking to get married.

Having said that, he's as committed as it gets anyway, so what's the difference if you marry. I had a horrible marriage and I never want commitment again, which is at least a coherent response to what happened.

OP, if you want marriage, don't accept this half-hearted proposal. If you do, you'll never get married. He's also got no business proposing unless he's ready to set a date and actually marry you. I'd just ignore the whole thing if I were you.

I am married but if we split up I wouldn’t want to get married again. However I also wouldn’t have more kids with someone and then ask them to marry me with little intention of following through. I think you need to have a chat with him about it OP. I would explain you don’t want a token engagement ring if he’s not actually up for getting married in the next year or two.

What's the point of him only wanting to get married "a long time in the future"? What difference does that make?
Either you get married & both take the leap of faith or you carry on as you are. You are committed to each other through having children together and you say you don't need the financial protection of a marriage.

It all just sounds a bit silly to me & I think I would be annoyed & offended by the friend telling me about it (& probably sounding me out) and my partner's patronising view that I would need a ring and a promise of "maybe I'll marry you one day, perhaps, maybe, who knows?" to keep me happy.
It would give me the ick to be honest.

This!

Nope - future faking! If he can have 2 kids with you, he should marry you.
I'd be pissed off that I was being denied a proper commitment because of a previous relationship of his!

Also getting engaged means nothing if there's no intent to actually get married. Getting engaged means you are ready to commit - it's not a placeholder!

Wouldn't be for me.
I'm divorced and won't get married again, but I am 100% sure of that, and anyone i have had a relationship with since has known.
It's not fair to dangle the promise of marriage if he isn't committed to it. If he is then it can wait until he is comfortable with getting married whenever you want to, if he doesn't want to get married he should let you choose if you are happy with that decision for yourself. This seems like trying to keep you in a relationship without being committed to the outcome himself, and it would sit very uncomfortably with me.
Your 'friend' is either an idiot or your dp has asked them to manage your expectations.

If he had to pay his ex wife (significant) assets i am assuming there were DC from that marriage and she had been financially disadvantaged by child rearing. Pleased to hear you are financially sound though. Perhaps financial commitment in the form of a legal marriage contract isn't in your best interest?

You chose to have two children with a man who is so messed up that he will punish you for his previous mess with an ex?

He's really no prize OP.

I wouldn't have had children with someone so messed up.

He has brought his previous baggage with him into your relationship.

I wouldn't be getting engaged.
I'd be rethinking why I am with him and why I settled for so little in the father of my children.

It's a bit sad. Keep your financial independence.
A long engagement in these circumstances always seem like crumbs for a desperate woman.

You really deserve so much better.

Okay, sorry, I was rather making the assumption that you would be the one financially disadvantaged if he decided to leave you and DC. I'm glad to hear you'd be okay and apologise for my sexist assumption.

You’ve got 2 children together, but he doesn’t want to commit? If that’s the case( rather than some chat being misconstrued) I’d be pretty upset. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t. And another poster has mentioned the legal protection, you need to make sure your own position is protected. Sounds like his divorce was a long time ago, it’s not relevant now in his relationship with you.

‘treating men like cash machines’, ‘vultures’, ‘out for all they can get’

Presumably simply for, after marriage and DC, seeking what court deems an appropriate share of marital assets.

'Crumbs on offer' is an absolutely perfect description.

Happy to be connected to his girlfriend for life via two children.

But not happy enough to marry her.

Awful.

Exactly. Why is the decision whether to marry one which couples don't discuss and agree upon as equals? Some many women happy to be passengers in their own lives.