Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

OP he sounds like a manipulative creep. Trust your gut feelings and stop "reassuring him". Personally I would dump someone like this.

I don't think I'd feel the same about him after the £10 or throwing the jeans incidents. Not nice behaviour at all.

PS: any of those things actually

I think you know this isn't right or you wouldn't be asking.

Two things stick out for me. Firstly the behaviour I would describe as abusive, so pushing your head down as you're choking, he knew you were choking by the way, how could he not? And other behaviours like not stopping when you ask him to and the money. All of that is abusive in my opinion.

But then the "opposite" site you describe where he's almost overly considerate.

"he always asks “are you ok?” If I move or anything"

This isn't normal either OP. It's over the top. Like he is trying to control behaviour and compensate. Then his actions when he has gone too far are to withdraw.

I am sensemaking all of this of course but we do that as women as we are not normally able to physically protect ourselves. I think he knows that he has the capacity to really hurt and doesn't feel great about it but that does not mean he deserves your sympathy nor your apologies. You've done nothing wrong.

This is what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

Passion for sure but asking someone to stop leads to them stopping immediately. You don't have that OP.

You have someone who you're not sure will stop what they're doing if you ask them to. That's enough of a red flag to stop this relationship now.

For those alluding to porn. Yes the old "choking on the cock" thing is often in there and much as I don't like it, I'd say all men and a lot of women have seen scenes like that from time to time and either get better porn or recognise it's not something they'd act out in real life. That's not an excuse.

True! I was just trying to imagine what in the world he was thinking for each of these different situations. I wouldn’t actually make that joke, I just meant that I can visualise that somebody might reasonably make a joke like that (however misjudged). But the other two things there is no planet on which they could be passed off as jokes!

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke

This made me really sad for you.

You weren't feeling well. He knew you weren't feeling well. You told him repeatedly that you didn't want to and he "did it anyway". That's sexual abuse, OP.

Don’t do what I did and put these apparent deviations from his normal behaviour as strange aberrations you don’t like but can ignore, as you can’t explain them. Eventually, the ‘aberrations’ will become the norm. They reveal something fundamental about him.

I think his behaviour reveals a deep underlying contempt for you ( probably for women). The one where he threw his jeans at you is awful. Jokes are only funny as they hit on something true. That ‘joke’ revealed something about how he truly regards you.

I also would guess he watches misogynistic pornography where women are degraded, hence this coming out in these episodes.

He may be suppressing these attitudes he has, he may even not like having them or be aware he shouldn’t have them. But he does. He wouldn’t have behaved in the way he does if he didn’t.

You should throw this one back in the sea OP.

I read this
I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

And recoiled from my phone slightly.
I read your entire post what you are describing is a series of data points which build a picture on his views (these are not random "oopsies")

The being quiet and you having to "fix it"....is actually perhaps the worst part.
Would he be having to "fix it" if you asphixiated him????? Youve glossed over it but he has sexually assaulted you twice now...
Consciously or unconsciously (who cares?) He's slowly training you....

As a woman who is probably older than you with 2 kids in town I will tell you plainly...

It is a huge mistake to stay with this man.
Do not marry him and dont have children.
Ideally break up with him asap.

I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway

That’s sexual assault.

Then he threw your clothing at you afterwards. Nice.

He threw money at you ‘as a joke’. Because it’s obviously hilarious to make your partner feel cheap and used after sex.

Now he’s physically forced your head down.

I’m sorry OP, but he’s not ‘lovely’ or ‘gentle’. The moments when the mask slips are showing you who he really is.

But I hope that you would make it with someone who would find it funny. The OP doesn't sound like she did. And wouldn't he know that?

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

Why on earth do you feel you have to do this? This is how abuse starts and he's already got you doubting yourself, not a good sign. None of his behaviour is funny so not sure how it's meant to be a "joke". For your own safety and mental health end this relationship now

I think you need to explore why you think you have to reassure him, because you absolutely shouldn't be doing this. This is his bad behaviour that he needs to take responsibility for.

He is most likely turned out by watching this.
I think every man who tries this should practice on himself first, thrusting a cucumber or banana deep into his throat. Doesn’t seem so nice.

Yeah I agree with others, it’s so manipulative to guilt you into a position where you have to constantly reassure him.

He did a shitty thing, we all do shitty things sometimes and he can reflect on it for a little while and then not do it again and it is not for you to feel remotely guilty about! Assuming he knows about your past experiences he really does have to do even more work/reflection.

The ten pound note thing is a joke I can imagine making. The forcing himself on you while you’re ill is absolutely not on, if I’m reading that correctly I don’t think he is really the nice guy you think he is.

Too much porn filled with women gagging on penis.

Forcing someone into a sex act isn't a joke.

I've left a man for less than this. I don't tolerate idiots in any respect no matter who they are.

I'd suggest he had therapy for entitlement and integrity abuse. Chris jones is a great therapist for this. Firstly op I would get support around yourself and a individual therapist for you. None of us (strangers in the internet) can predict how he will react so you need to keep yourself as safe as possible.
Can you stay away at a friend's or family's say you need some space. He if seems in a space to want to change suggest therapy. Then with the support of others perhaps you put in some boundaries and a timeliness before you return. You will want to of seen some changes , if he does therapy his therapist will also be able to talk to you.

Equally you can just leave op it's not your responsibility to fix any of this that's his job. You just need to keep yourself safe and deserve to be cherished and loved not manipulated which is what he is doing pushing your boundaries like this. Its abusive tactics.

Wishing you all the best op.

No OP that isn’t acceptable and the other incidences are not acceptable. It’s a pattern of behaviour which will escalate if you stay with him.
He likes to force you to do things and wants to cheapen you by throwing money at you.
I would be ending the relationship.
Edited to add - please stop apologising to him. He knows he has crossed a line and that is why he was sorry and is concerned about things going weird.

If you put all these things together, I think he’s showing you who he really is. Honestly, I’d end it as you’ll always wonder when the next thing is going to happen.

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all.
I heard that women constantly pass out on set from deep throat, they change the camera angle until they come around to do it again. It’s disgusting.

This

Trust your gut instinct OP, his behaviour is concerning. You don't need to keep reassuring him, you need to tell him that his behaviour is not ok and if there's any repeat of these 'jokes' the relationship is over.

He's horrible and you can do better.

He ‘jokes’ a lot, doesn’t he? Except he isn’t funny at all.

And he uses this ‘joke’ methodology to cover his shitty behaviour.