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AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

216 replies

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 01:02

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 25/04/2026 04:40

Also I have heard some people say they are drawn to something very strongly - then later they find a connection - like war orphans calling their child a name then years later finding out they were born in a place with the same name. Because it is 4am I had a google. This is interesting!
https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/on-biology/2018/04/10/common-ancestor-of-han-chinese-japanese-and-koreans-dated-to-3000-3600-years-ago/

I live in Wales, UK some people have darker skins and genetics show they came from The Basque area of Spain!

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 25/04/2026 04:29

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 01:20

I don't want to get into that part too much.

Let's just say I'm disappointed she would lie about her ethnicity, no matter which ethnicity she picked.

It's especially stupid given her very Chinese last name. It's not just a lie, it's a stupid lie.

Edit to fix a typo

Edited

I think that it is just the age. They are somewhat ridiculous at that age. Maybe she finds Japan more exotic than China. Maybe you do have nefarious ancestors and she has their DNA. Do a genetics test, it may surprise you! I found out I had some odd genes which changed my view of the world.

SittingNextToIt · 25/04/2026 04:23

Interested

CypressGrove · 25/04/2026 04:11

Bigcat25 · 25/04/2026 01:56

I'm kind off surprised at the response here. It's serious to lie, especially about your identity. I wouldn't really call it "calling here out on every little thing."

Also, when she gets found out it's hard to explain her reason for lying. Do parents really let so many things slide? Now I'm worried, my son is much younger and we call him out for a lot of things.

It's really not that big of deal. Its pretty common at that age to make up on try on different identities - particularly if you can get away with it. (Ie we used to try and pretend we were swedish at the tennis time but nobody was falling for that)

BlueJayRose · 25/04/2026 03:38

She sounds like a good kid. Does well in school, not smoking, drinking or doing drugs, not causing trouble for others.
In my opinion you are going overboard.
Try to calm down and think of a differant more sensible way to settle this. If anything, I'd ask her to say "confess" she isn't Japanese in future conversations, that she is Chinese.

Peanutbutterkitty · 25/04/2026 03:17

I mean, you're being really dramatic and overreacting. She hasn't done anything that needs punishing. She needs a chat at most.

iseenyouwithkefir · 25/04/2026 03:13

If your older daughter has done something wrong and is being punished for it, then it's fine that she has some privileges suspended that her sibling is allowed, regardless of the ages. But the punishment should be for a specific period time announced up front and should be based on something she has done that she reasonably knows is wrong/breaks your household rules, not based on her personality or level of intelligence, and certainly not based on her ethnicity!!

You can't punish your older daughter for being Japanese and reward your younger daughter for being Chinese, even if the Japanese daughter is self-ID'd.

Franjipanl8r · 25/04/2026 03:08

None of this feels very believable.

DinosaurBlue · 25/04/2026 02:56

I lied a lot about my ethnicity and religion as a teenage girl. I was embarrassed about my background.

It’s only as I got older and more confident about who I was as a person, as well as making more friends from a similar background, that I stopped all that nonsense.

Rather than telling her off and punishing her, you need to help her embrace her background and heritage.

DeedsNotDiddums · 25/04/2026 02:40

I think the only thing that will help is talking about it. Perhaps when on a drive.
The relentless craving for approval from boys may will be neediness. I would rather love bomb her at home to be honest then punish her harshly.

Bristolandlazy · 25/04/2026 02:37

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nevernotmaybe · 25/04/2026 02:37

365GelatoDaysAYear · 25/04/2026 01:17

There is history between China and Japan. It is not plain sailing. The daughter is letting the side down.

The American side? How do they fit into it?

Eug · 25/04/2026 02:31

Blimms · 25/04/2026 01:27

There’s something a bit off here.

Yup. Glad to see its been reported.

canuckup · 25/04/2026 02:16

I used to say I was Swedish

To all the boys

Cos I was blonde

I'm not Swedish 😂

EverydayRoutine · 25/04/2026 02:08

Ridiculous thread. 🙄

Bigcat25 · 25/04/2026 01:56

I'm kind off surprised at the response here. It's serious to lie, especially about your identity. I wouldn't really call it "calling here out on every little thing."

Also, when she gets found out it's hard to explain her reason for lying. Do parents really let so many things slide? Now I'm worried, my son is much younger and we call him out for a lot of things.

mondaytosunday · 25/04/2026 01:54

You can’t go from zero to lockdown. Be sensible. You are the parent but you are overreacting. If ever there was a case for talking rather than action this is it.

PillsBox · 25/04/2026 01:37

Blimms · 25/04/2026 01:36

There’s some strange men about.

Yep, I’ve reported.

Blimms · 25/04/2026 01:36

PillsBox · 25/04/2026 01:33

Why is this the 3rd or 4th thread in the last few weeks about Japanese girls, or Japanese girl related??

Weird.

There’s some strange men about.

PillsBox · 25/04/2026 01:33

Why is this the 3rd or 4th thread in the last few weeks about Japanese girls, or Japanese girl related??

Weird.

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 01:29

365GelatoDaysAYear · 25/04/2026 01:24

Why is your daughter so boy crazy? Has she been bullied and is trying to fit in? Might she have been abused and be looking for validation?

Hot car incident sounds unsafe on dehydration grounda. Sitting alone in a car is also not specially safe.
.

She has said she hasn't been abuse nor bullied. She's one of the most popular kids in school. Many times, she has made sure that other students don't get bullied.

And it's not as if boys ignored her. She doesn't have to do the stupid things she does.

OP posts:
OhWise1 · 25/04/2026 01:29

Why are you do up in her business? If she wants to lie about bring Japanese to some boy, so what?
And i am sure she would have opened the window of her diy sauna long before anything bad happened.

Blimms · 25/04/2026 01:27

There’s something a bit off here.

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 01:26

Shitmonger · 25/04/2026 01:23

Judging by OP’s username and the fact that her daughter drives she appears to be in the US.

It’s a hard one, OP. I do think that she needs repercussions for being stupid about boys and, unlike many posters on here, I understand why her claiming to be Japanese is so upsetting. Have you had conversations with her about what is going on in her head and why she is so desperate to please them?

She has said she gets super shy and super nervous around a boy she likes. She has also said she gets a one-track mind when a boy gives her the feelings.

OP posts:
DogsandFlowers · 25/04/2026 01:24

I once told a visitor to my primary school that my name was Jasmin cos I went through a weird stage of being obsessed with the name. My name is not Jasmin, when my parents found out and quizzed me they just laughed and rolled their eyes