AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

It’s because of Anime, Hello Kitty and all that isn’t it. Japan has done the best reinvention of a country that was as awful like Germany in WW2. They still haven’t apologised for comfort women and whilst people know the Nazis experimented on Jews few know about unit 731. They experimented on people without anaesthesia including pregnant women. They regarded the Chinese as sub human.

I am married to an English guy so my children have an English family name but are clearly Wasian, mixed, dual heritage or whatever people want to use. The history between the countries, my Dad would have absolutely lost it if I had pretended to be Japanese and he was a very calm man. We had relatives die as a direct result of what the Japanese did. I suggest people watch City of Life and death or there is a film called Flowers of War, the first is very much based on truth. The second is a complete work of fiction but has truths such as Westerners were protected during the rape of Nanking, it was available on Amazon Prime.

I do understand why you were upset she pretended to be Japanese, you are I assume living in the UK or another Western society. This is the sort of cultural disconnect that will always make your life harder. I didn’t even tell my parents I was dating ever. I did tell my Mother after I was at college but my Father only ever met my DH and I only told him after DH asked me to marry him. He is a Dr so was accepted by my Father.

Shes a teenage girl who told a fib to impress a boy.
I don’t think this deserves any real punishment. A chat about how lying will come and bite you on the arse one day and then leave it be.
She’s being powered by her hormones and her brain still isn’t fully developed. You say she’s a good student, so focus on that. Be the kind of parent that your kid can come to to tell you about lads she fancies, not one she is secretive with.

You are going to push her away and that’s when she’ll end up in real trouble.

You are massively unreasonable. Teenagers make up shit all the time. Clearly she’s insecure.
Give her a break. Otherwise she’ll never open up to you again.
It’s not about you. Her intention isn’t to insult you or your heritage. It’s about a teenage girl trying to impress or fit in. It’s hardly crime of the century.

At 16 my mum didn’t know where I was or who with, chill out otherwise the minute she leaves the house for college she’ll revel in her freedom so much she’ll never be back. If the worst she’s doing is pretending to be Japanese there’s no issue.

Your Dd sounds a fantastic young woman.

She’s a teenager. You don’t help and guide teens by punishing them and trashing their social lives every time they make a daft mistake, you help them sort themselves out.

She didn’t do this as a personal insult to you or a slight on the history of the Chinese peoples she did it because she saw a chance to be viewed as very cool based on the vague and ignorant knowledge of other pupils. And she has trapped herself in it.

They need to learn from their mistakes and move on. Not be left crushed and isolated.

Talk with her, help her get herself out of it. Do not subject her to what wil be public humiliation.

You sound over the top.

Maybe use this incident as an opportunity to improve her understanding about Chinese culture, so she can feel proud of her heritage. How much knowledge does she have? Do you know her friends? Maybe invite them over for lunch, where you could make Chinese dishes, foster a friendly relationship with them. Help her realise why it's inappropriate to pretend to be of another culture as one day her lies could put her in awkward situations.

There has also been an influx of odd poorly written American sounding thread lately. Strange.

This can not be for real.
But just incase it is, you massively overreacted and sound like a horribly controlling and judgmental parent.

I mean I do understand that you’re very disappointed. I’m thinking that instead of all the banning boys etc couldn’t you just have a talk with her and say how you feel. Talk about your heritage and your ancestors.
I’d also tell her that when her friends come over you’ll be mentioning your heritage and talking about things in front of them relating to your Chinese culture so it’s probably a very good idea that she doesn’t keep saying she’s Japanese! She’s going to look really silly otherwise.

I think you’re being overly harsh on her. I understand it’s upsetting to you as she’s denying your heritage. But she’s a 16 year old girl trying to impress boys! Also the ‘hot car incident’ is a total non-incident! Chill out - she could be doing a hell of a lot worse.

This just sounds like content in a fun teen movie - like Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging.

She sounds hilarious and if you handle this right, she could be your best mate when she’s older, confident in you about boys, sex, friendships. The way you’re going is when the child begins hiding things, ending up getting pregnant or in an abusive relationship and too scared to tell you / running back into the twat’s arms.

You need to think carefully here.

FWIW she sounds like a laugh

I get why your upset but this is a stupid thing she said at 11 and doesn’t want to go back on. Japan is seen as cool so I get it.
your punishment is incredibly harsh, you also can’t just say it’s indefinite. If you want her to rebel against you, then you’re going about it the right way.

Massive overreaction on your part. You’re going to alienate her. I’d make as little fuss as possible and let it blow over. It’s just a phase. By being draconian you’re going to alienate her and she’ll end up doing things secretly and not sharing stuff with you. Quite honestly she sounds lacking in confidence so don’t feed that by imposing harsh and unnecessary rules and punishments. Try to foster an atmosphere at home of openness, acceptance and discussion. As she matures, she’ll embrace her heritage and one day, will look back and laugh at this phase.

You need to lighten up, gosh she’s a teenage girl, if you’re not careful she will be leaving home as soon as she’s old enough. You’re her mother not her keeper. It’s normal teenage behaviour.
its your that’s the problem not her!

@TheChineseAmericanMum I can understand you feeling cross but it was an opportunity to discuss potential consequences of the lie and let DD see that the moral of the story is... don't do it. Yes I think the punishment was harsh when this seems hormone-influenced teenage behaviour in the heat of the moment, not a planned lie. But your reaction was also normal as a parent in the heat of the moment and whilst you were in shock.

Read up on the history between China and Japan. The Japanese soldiers were brutal towards Chinese women.

Give over. I used to tell people my parents were French . I thought it would make me seem more glamorous. It didnt work,, nobody really believed me 😆
What's with today's parents and their micro management of every tiny detail of their children's lives? Just let them work it out for themselves FFS

This is wildly implausible. 🙄

“Now my 16 year old DD can't bring home a boy, no time at all. Even when I'm there.”

So she will meet up with boys outside your home where you can have no oversight as to what sort of lads they are. And not letting her drive is taking away her independence - also, driving is a matter of practice, and she’s not old enough to have had much yet. Better to let her drive and go with her, than stop her from driving. If you are so strict, though, she will go off to college and not come back. Being a parent is striking a balance - at times it’s difficult and we all get it wrong, but if being Japanese is regarded as “cool”, tell me the teenager who doesn’t want to appear cool to her peers? I think you’re being very harsh to your daughter - adolescence is hard.

Weird thread.

For both your girls, you could allow them to bring home boys and girl friends on certain days when you know you will be home. Then you can assess the character of guests and influence DDs in how they behave with guests.

The car thing was nuts and the lying is not great.

It's fine to curb her social activity until she proves to be more reliable and honest. What could she do to prove that?

• Announce to her friends that she is actually Chinese by taking some Chinese Fortune buscuits to share.
• Apologise for the car episode
• Do some extra chores to help the household - like helping wash the inside and outside windows, cleaning the bathroom and pruning the roses.

It shouldn't take more than about a week for DD to earn some respect from you, Op.

You need to talk to her. I agree it’s not great to be lying and doing stupid things in the pursuit of boys’ attention but punishing her won’t help her locate her self esteem. You need to support her and build her up if you’re worried.

It sounds as if your dd may have some confidence issues, otherwise she wouldn’t be like this about boys.

By not letting her have boys over, you’re putting her in a very precarious position, because she doesn’t seem sensible around them or appreciate any of the dangers. Now you’ve banned her from boys, she has something to fight against and is much more likely to start dating behind your back. That means being with a boy, who has the confidence to have a clandestine relationship with her. Therefore making her more at risk of meeting a guy, who will use her for sex or worse, someone older, who may have nefarious intentions, such as grooming her for the sex trade.

It is totally developmentally normal to be dating at 16, not so much at 13. Start talking to your children. More importantly, start listening to them, especially your 16 yo. Bullet proof them against this stuff.

Are there any parenting classes to help you discuss this with her you could attend?

I can see where you are coming from because it’s very hurtful to hear from your child. It’s funny because being Chinese is such a trend right now.

is have a proper conversation with her and talk to her about fetishisation and why there is a lot of direction at Japanese Asian women. And maybe you could read something together or even better watch some TikTok’s about. Theres a few really good creators who talk about it.

and remind her that a guy who you feel you need to lie about the most basic part of yourself about is not the one for you.