AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

You need to keep the lines of communication open with teenagers. The way you are behaving means she might just start shutting you out. It’s good that she opened up about getting a bit silly when she likes a boy. It’s not her fault that the media is fixated on Korean and Japanese culture currently. Chinese culture will probably come into fashion at some point. She’s not done anything mean or hurtful deliberately. I would concentrate on helping her feel a connection to her Chinese heritage, if you can afford it, a trip to china to see why she should be proud to be a Chinese American could be a good way to go.

Agree with this. Just speak to her about why you are upset. Teenagers do stupid things all the time and this really isn’t that ‘deep’ (as my kids would say).

Wow, your ignorance of the situation is quite something. Its got nothing to do with being in America, or any other specific country. Difficulties like this with cultural integration and different expectations happen everywhere. You must live completely in a bubble of ethinc unawareness.

With the greatest of respect this sounds like a massive overreaction!! You’re at risk of pushing her away with such harsh punishments! By all means have a calm chat with her about how disappointed you are and how proud she should be of her heritage but my god what’s the punishment going to be if she smokes or takes drugs or has sex!! Clap her in irons and refuse to let her leave the house forever!!!

“My friend and I squeezed 2 bags of lemon and covered our hair with the juice for hours to get lighter hair! Super expensive and daft. Thankfully her mum laughed at us. Then a few weeks after, we whisked eggs to make a hair mask at my house. We used a lot of eggs!! We then showered with hot water and we inadvertently made hair omelettes (aka an almighty mess!!) to get glowy hair. “

@ChristmasCwtch

We did the same sort of stuff! I once lathered myself in cooking oil to lie in the garden to get a nice golden glow (to impress Andy The Hottie). That was the year I also faked a stomach bug and somehow managed to live on Horlicks for 3 whole days so I could lose 2lbs of non existent weight. My mum found out about the starvation diet and immediately cooked up some egg and chips (which I wolfed down). So many stupid things…😂

What a weird thread. Is this some weird political thread to try and sow the seed to non-E. Asians that Japanese people are cooler than Chinese? If you want to go there, the South Koreans win hands down. This is a pointless thread. Yes it's weird what your daughter's doing but not un known in human behaviour. Older women might lie about their age; men might lie about their height. Big deal. Next.

Japanese soldiers killed around 10 million Chinese civilians and also experimented on them. The Nazis killed 6 million Jews. The Japanese soldiers and Nazis were both evil.

lol at the hot car - thought you meant hot as in stolen and she’d committed a crime but nope, she sat in a hot car. Seriously!! Chill right out. Teenagers experiment with their identities and looks to attract boys. This is not a big deal and you’re being ridiculous to make so much of it or even to be involved at that level frankly. Leave her relationship side alone unless she actually comes to you for help or advice, which she never will if you act like this.

Rather a harsh punishment for something so silly, shes a kid who wanted to appear cool not an evil genius in the making

At 16 my daughters college played guess the Asian because she wouldn't tell them and they were convinced either korean or Japanese because of her interests and she to date hasnt corrected them she just refuses to confirm or deny

I haven't punished her for not telling people her heritage because its not really any of my business all I can do is help her feel proud of who she is

Honestly, I could write a book about some of the stupid things I did as a teen in order to impress boys. What you’re describing just seems like normal teen stuff. Sitting in a baking hot car - she was always going to get out once it became too hot. Lying about her ethnicity - probably very important to you but in the grand scheme of things, will likely be something she laughs about one day once she’s grown up and learned to be proud of her roots.

You honestly can’t make your child perfect. Sometimes you’ve got to ‘drop the rope’ and let them do silly stuff.

Well, if you want your daughter to hide her life from you, you are on track. You seem to be completely overreacting to normal hormonal teenage behaviour. I hate to break it to you, but the 13yr old will also change.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes. I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school

Why on earth would you give one shit, let alone two, about any if this. If that had been my DD (who I’m sure lied about many things at that age), I just would have called them a dill, shrugged my shoulders and genuinely never even thought of it again. All this frustration in your part, the mentality of ‘pulling a stunt like this’, and last straw stuff makes you sound like the nutter, not your 16yo daughter.

How very odd.

I can remember being utterly besotted by a boy at 16 -I thought it was part of becoming adult and something most people go through.

I remember the Chinese were told not to boo the Japanese competitors at the 2008 olympics but that was nearly 20 years ago. The Japan did kill thousands+ of Chinese in 1937/8 but time to move on. But DD might get caught out so best she stops pretending.

Assuming any of this is true which it isn’t can we just ban Americans from posting here? They post the stupidest shit.

Teenagers do dumb things. I can’t believe you’re so incensed about a silly lie that has no actual consequence.

Lighten up, or you will push her away!! And then you’ll be back on here lamenting the emotional distance between you and her. If she can’t even talk to you about something silly without you going nuclear, how on earth would she discuss something important in the coming years.

P.s. re: her sitting in a car to keep warm and glowy…. My friend and I squeezed 2 bags of lemon and covered our hair with the juice for hours to get lighter hair! Super expensive and daft. Thankfully her mum laughed at us. Then a few weeks after, we whisked eggs to make a hair mask at my house. We used a lot of eggs!! We then showered with hot water and we inadvertently made hair omelettes (aka an almighty mess!!) to get glowy hair. We were idiots. My parents were in hysterics. See about point, teenagers do dumb shit!!

You have totally missed an opportunity to be close to your daughter and be there for her. There is a reason she has said she is Japanese and it is not a reason that needs to be punished it needs to be understood and empathised with. You are just setting yourself up to have a daughter that wants nothing to do with you when she has left home.

How sure are you that she didn't make the lie up to avoid people making fun of her?

Kids can be horrible and I can understand why a teen would feel more comfortable saying they are Japanese rather than Chinese. Unfortunately there are more negative, racist stereotypes about Chinese people than Japanese people at the minute (especially amongst kids since Japanese media, food etc. is fashionable).

I had a friend at school that told everyone she was part Italian instead of Middle Eastern (despite having a last name that should have been a big clue to her origin). I'm sure her dad would have been hurt but you can't blame a child for trying to avoid racism, however clumsily.

Sitting alone in a car is not safe?

Generally speaking, the older generations of Chinese absolutely hate the Japanese. With good reasons, that the op prefers not to go into.
I dont know about now, but its fair to say that the CCP actively encouraged this hatred. When I first started visiting China about 15 years ago I was appalled by their television. Outside of news propaganda, it mostly consisted of drama films about conflict with Japan and Rìbn guî . I couldn't really understand why the state owned film and media focused on this so intently.
Anyway, my point is that, to pretend to be a Japanese would deeply offend many Chinese in a way that's difficult to comprehend. The daughter may also feel belittled and embarrassed at some level by her Chinese heritage. There is much ignorance around China - and many still look at it as a place of poverty, corruption and low moral standards. Regardless of whether or not there is any truth to that - she will undoubtedly have come across that attitude many times.
Many first, and even second, generation immigrants have these kinds of family issues. Chinese in particular focus much more on influencing social and romantic partner choices. Again, for good reasons in many ways - as a result of cultural heritage.
Neither is wrong and its difficult to wag a finger too much at the OP. Its important though for her to recognise that her child is trying to find her own identity as part of a completely different culture.

Your response is way over the top. It's a shame she felt the need to do this. Maybe talk to her about that but not this extreme punishment.

None of this requires any punishment whatsoever. What the fuck? She's a teenage girl doing teenage girl things. Truly understanding why you're upset about this particular lie will probably only come with time and experience.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Oprn ended Punishments are also wrong and punitive. You will puah your daughter away, i am also sensing that your 13 year old is your golden child. I get feeling hurt but you are way way way overboard. This is making you feel better not showing compassion cor your daughter.

I don't think the punishment fits the crime, and I do think the history matters. I think I would instead have her research and complete a report on the history. She needs to know why that lie is awful, since she clearly doesn't understand that at the moment.

I think a lot of people may not know the history between Japan and china. Whilst Japan has a perhaps cooler image in the west, so I could understand her thought process here, millions of Chinese people suffered or died under Japanese rule not that long ago under great cruelty. Its akin to someone dressing up as a nazi for a costume party. So I understand your perspective too. But control like this is just not going yo help your relationship. Tell her the boys must be pretty dumb if they believed her despite her surname.
Sounds a bit rebellious- try and find the cause.