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AIBU?

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AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

216 replies

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 01:02

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 21:27

SimplyReadHead · 25/04/2026 21:23

Sorry wrong post

Edited

No worries. It's funny that I was looking for the hidden meaning of what you meant.

OP posts:
TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 21:26

whydidyoudoitfin · 25/04/2026 21:23

So..? I'm 26 and I would lie about my heritage if I thought it would make a boy like me. Lol

I'm both too curious to avoid asking but also scared of the answer.

What kind of lie about your heritage would you tell to impress some guy?

OP posts:
SimplyReadHead · 25/04/2026 21:23

Sorry wrong post

whydidyoudoitfin · 25/04/2026 21:23

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 21:22

It's because it's a pattern of small stupid things she does for boys.

Also, what kind of boy she was thinking of attracting with a lie like that?

BTW, I reversed the punishment today.

So..? I'm 26 and I would lie about my heritage if I thought it would make a boy like me. Lol

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 21:22

whydidyoudoitfin · 25/04/2026 21:20

Yes wtf you are being completely unfair and unkind. Who gives a shit that she told some kids she's Japanese?! You are projecting your weird nationalism onto her. She's a kid ffs. You should apologise and remove the sanctions. You said she's academically doing well, she's not doing drugs or crimes, ffs.

Edited

It's because it's a pattern of small stupid things she does for boys.

Also, what kind of boy she was thinking of attracting with a lie like that?

BTW, I reversed the punishment today.

OP posts:
whydidyoudoitfin · 25/04/2026 21:20

Yes wtf you are being completely unfair and unkind. Who gives a shit that she told some kids she's Japanese?! You are projecting your weird nationalism onto her. She's a kid ffs. You should apologise and remove the sanctions. You said she's academically doing well, she's not doing drugs or crimes, ffs.

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 21:09

sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 25/04/2026 20:59

I know what you mean. I feel similar with my kids some times. It’s all adding up and it does become a big problem. I do hear that but I think that’s where guided talks and support come in? I didn’t get that from my parents I got punishment and I ran wild! Boyfriends, smoking weed, drinking the lot. I was awful but now I know what NOT to do and how to parent my kids to make sure they do not follow my footsteps. Well I say I know what to do… I’m trying my best !

Is her being super shy and super nervous around boys a good enough reason for her bad decisions?

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TakeMeToTheDarkSideOfTheMoon · 25/04/2026 21:06

I went through a little phase of pretending that I was Greek because my name is Greek.. no Greek heritage (as far as I know) but I do have German heritage, which didn't seem as cool at the time. I now embrace that heritage and have started looking into more information about my ancestory.

sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 25/04/2026 20:59

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:48

The problem is she evades punishment because it's always these small stupid things she does for boys.

All these small things accumulate.

I know what you mean. I feel similar with my kids some times. It’s all adding up and it does become a big problem. I do hear that but I think that’s where guided talks and support come in? I didn’t get that from my parents I got punishment and I ran wild! Boyfriends, smoking weed, drinking the lot. I was awful but now I know what NOT to do and how to parent my kids to make sure they do not follow my footsteps. Well I say I know what to do… I’m trying my best !

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:52

pitchblackromance · 25/04/2026 20:50

The hot car "incident" doesn't really seem the big of a deal?

I definitely think your being overly harsh..

A teen in a hot car without anyone watching her. Sure she will probably be fine but sometimes people pass out under such circumstances. If she passed out, passerby may not know she needs help.

OP posts:
TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:50

LoremIpsumCici · 25/04/2026 20:47

I know what she said, that is why I think there may be something subconscious going on.

Looking cooler for boys can also mean afraid of being bullied by them so you want to be on their good side. So this means you start using appeasing behaviours. You say the right things, you dress right, you give them the attention they want, etc.

At 14 in a school with 15yr old boys to 19yr old men she would have been very young and vulnerable. I don’t understand how she would have known better either. Perhaps saying she was Chinese could have caused her serious trouble from these same boys and men? Maybe she didn’t want to go through the I’m Chinese American but have never been to China and don’t care what Trump says about the Chinese rigamorole of justifying her existence as an American or her ethnicity?

This requires conversations not punishments.

She has stopped other kids from getting bullied. So she's not afraid to stop up to nonsense.

OP posts:
pitchblackromance · 25/04/2026 20:50

The hot car "incident" doesn't really seem the big of a deal?

I definitely think your being overly harsh..

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:48

sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 25/04/2026 20:46

That’s good. Being a mum is hard. Just save the punishment for what’s needed :-)

The problem is she evades punishment because it's always these small stupid things she does for boys.

All these small things accumulate.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 25/04/2026 20:47

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:40

I saw the other thing you edited in.

Maybe if it's really really subconscious. She didn't say that, she said it was to look cooler for boys.

I know what she said, that is why I think there may be something subconscious going on.

Looking cooler for boys can also mean afraid of being bullied by them so you want to be on their good side. So this means you start using appeasing behaviours. You say the right things, you dress right, you give them the attention they want, etc.

At 14 in a school with 15yr old boys to 19yr old men she would have been very young and vulnerable. I don’t understand how she would have known better either. Perhaps saying she was Chinese could have caused her serious trouble from these same boys and men? Maybe she didn’t want to go through the I’m Chinese American but have never been to China and don’t care what Trump says about the Chinese rigamorole of justifying her existence as an American or her ethnicity?

This requires conversations not punishments.

Villanousvillans · 25/04/2026 20:47

It. Really. Is. Extremely. Trivial.

sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 25/04/2026 20:46

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:44

I reversed the punishment today.

That’s good. Being a mum is hard. Just save the punishment for what’s needed :-)

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:44

sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 25/04/2026 20:43

I’m a white British woman and once told someone my cousin was dizzier rascal(he is not). Point is, kids lie. High school is a pressured time and be thankful she’s not pregnant or smoking weed (I mean ofc you they shouldn’t be at this age, but many do!) you’ll push her away if you continue to be so harsh. Just an FYI- you do NOT sound like a bad mom. You sound like a mum with boundaries and rules which is great. Just save the harshness for real issues. Sounds like this is more personal to you than about the lie.

I reversed the punishment today.

OP posts:
sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 25/04/2026 20:43

I’m a white British woman and once told someone my cousin was dizzier rascal(he is not). Point is, kids lie. High school is a pressured time and be thankful she’s not pregnant or smoking weed (I mean ofc you they shouldn’t be at this age, but many do!) you’ll push her away if you continue to be so harsh. Just an FYI- you do NOT sound like a bad mom. You sound like a mum with boundaries and rules which is great. Just save the harshness for real issues. Sounds like this is more personal to you than about the lie.

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:40

LoremIpsumCici · 25/04/2026 20:37

Sorry I edited while you were replying.

I saw the other thing you edited in.

Maybe if it's really really subconscious. She didn't say that, she said it was to look cooler for boys.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 25/04/2026 20:37

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:33

14 for her and at that age I would hope she would have known better.

Sorry I edited while you were replying.

ButterYellowHair · 25/04/2026 20:37

While it’s not good to deny her heritage it’s really not appropriate to punish her for what is clearly discomfort in her identity. Try talking to her, seeing what she says, comforting her and coaching her about the good things about her heritage.

Anti-sino sentiment is a thing and maybe your daughter is feeling it?

SisterMidnight77 · 25/04/2026 20:36

I hadn’t noticed the OP was American. It now makes perfect sense.

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:33

LoremIpsumCici · 25/04/2026 20:32

Ok, so 15? Still very young and prone to saying silly things.

Thinking now if you are in the US 🇺🇸 then there is a lot of anti Chinese racism in some parts of the US these days that’s been on the rise since 2020 & Covid. She may have subconsciously wanted to say she is something other than Chinese so she would not be a target for bullies?
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/16/stop-asian-hate-movement-atlanta-shootings-trump

Edited

14 for her and at that age I would hope she would have known better.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 25/04/2026 20:32

TheChineseAmericanMum · 25/04/2026 20:30

I forgot how different British schools are from American schools. Her high school starts at grade 9.

Ok, so 15? Still very young and prone to saying silly things.

Thinking now if you are in the US 🇺🇸 then there is a lot of anti Chinese racism in some parts of the US these days that’s been on the rise since 2020 & Covid. She may have subconsciously wanted to say she is something other than Chinese so she would not be a target for bullies?
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/16/stop-asian-hate-movement-atlanta-shootings-trump

Jellybunny98 · 25/04/2026 20:31

If you want her to run as far as she can from you the second she can, and ruin any chance of a good relationship with her as an adult, continue the way you are.