AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

Your 23 year old is dating??

You sound really controlling and intense. Leave her be. Let her find her own way.

Reading this comment from my grade ii listed townhouse that I lied on my mortgage application to get approved for on my MacBook Neo that I brought an expired teachers ID to get a 20% discount on

Living modestly and honestly ain't for everyone.

It is scary some of the things kids are doing-hadn't heard of the hot car one, but have heard of the smashing the jaw with a hammer one that some teen boys are doing, and the girls using retinols/botox in their teens. I don't blame OP, or anyone else, for being scared. Lying about ethinicity seems more common now too, ironic as people tend to be more sensitive and aware now.

That's fucked. The normalization of lying is fucked. It gets to a point where people can doubt what's real, conspiracy theories take hold, and they can't trust anyone.

You may do this but it doesn't mean op or her daughter should aim for it. And "white lies" usually aren't white.

Huge over reaction. You sound like one of those horrifically pushy parents who demand perfection from their kids and then wonder why the kids go NC as adults.

You need to talk to her, not just have a huge hissy fit and ban this that and the other. Way to go to destroy any trust or relationship between you.

You sound very judgemental and like you want to punish her for not being perfect. She does small stupid things because she is a teenager, growing and learning. And you are looking at them to see if they have accumulated enough to punish her?? It's crazy.

Lordy me, I used to pretend I was Spanish and my sister called herself Camille. What's wrong in pretending she is Japanese?

I’m now 50 and when I was young I never really talked to my parents about anything personal. I have no doubt they loved me and my siblings but they likely parented in a way that they may have had. We talked a lot about grades and achieving but I realise they didn’t really share much about themselves. So now as an adult while I love them dearly, they don’t really know who I am.
To try to do things differently and give what I did not have, my DD who is 12 and I talk a lot. When she tells me things that she worries about, I share similar worries I had at that age and explain how I tried to deal with them. I don’t want her to feel that my main interest is what she achieves but rather who she is. And I don’t want her to feel ashamed about making mistakes but rather learn from
them. When friends treat her badly we talk about what might be the qualities a good friend should have. There’s a lot I’m not getting right but I’m hoping that in this way if things go really wrong, or there’s a risk of that, she’ll share it with us. I’m worried about social media and all the weird stuff out that young boys (and girls) are consuming online so having regular chats about things are one way of helping her figure things for herself. I realise even at 12 that she’s developing her own view on things and I want to make sure I’m at least a part of that. Good luck.

Do you talk to her daily after school about how her day has been? Not helping with homework or inquiring about study, musical instrument practice, sports clubs, etc. Just chat.

That's where it starts. Get familiar with each other, then begin to gently drop in values gently into your chats - not as an imperative, but more as relaying what you did at her age when you were an anxious and imperfect teen like her.

Building rapport essentially

My son died in the womb

I wouldn't worry. I admire your daughter for misleading stupid teenage boys!

You are in danger of type-casting her as a silly, impulsive girl who loses her head around boys. That is a very misogynistic and destructive narrative that will become part of her self-concept if you keep giving her that message. You sound very all-or-nothing, which is generally an unwise mindset when it comes to teenagers. She isn’t boy-crazy, she’s a teenage girl who is learning to navigate relationships and will inevitably make mistakes, as we all did. You need to take a step back, calm down and focus on connection. Be the person she can come to when she is unsure of herself or has got herself out of her depth. That will be the most powerful protective factor she can have over the next few years, and is far more important than your need to maintain discipline and control - which you are supposed to be gradually loosening at this age anyway.

I think the Japanese stolen valour is the least of your issues. I would be thinking of ways to reconnect with her so that she is more emotionally grounded and doesn't seek validation from boys to this extent.

If you go authoritarian on her by revoking privileges as you initially did, she will rebel, become deceptive, and meet boys in secret - probably poorly chosen ones. And when she gets a guy that has been consuming eroticised Japanese manga/anime and sees her in that light, and she finds herself in an unsafe situation which she is not prepared for, she won't feel able to talk to you about it - which could result severe harm.

Act now. Authoritative not authoritarian. You need the warmth and emotional connection to ground the relationship so that when boundaries are put in place she can better manage the discomfort of being told no and can understand that it's in her best interests.

You have backtracked on the punishment but framed it as a concession forced upon you by your husband as opposed to just sitting down with her and talking to her, on her bed, as a peer, as a person, and understanding why she said what she said, and you in turn explaining why it upset you.

We have to be able to drop the hierarchy at times in order to connect.

Lots of white men/boys fetishise Japanese girls and they aren't going to know the difference between Japanese and Chinese. Using a bit of poetic license to appeal to your target audience is not an ethical issue that requires intervention or admonishment. It's a bit like lying on your CV to get the job! It's totally harmless.

My accomplished lying and misrepresentation of myself has afforded me a pretty incredible lifestyle and career(s).

If those boys are too thick to be able to tell a Japanese from a Chinese last name they deserve to be lied to.

You are being much too harsh and you will push her away and make her so she never confides in you . Lighten up for goodness sake it's no big deal . Poor girl .

For instance if I was really into someone and he said he has a thing for slavic girls, I'd say I'm Russian. Or if he really likes Asians, I'd say I'm 1/4 Chinese.

I always tell white lies to men to try and charm them. For example, I'll lie about having the same birthday to convince them that it's 'meant to be' or I'll over exaggerate my skateboarding abilities if they're also into skating.

I also normally don't tell men that I own property or that I went to Cambridge because it comes across as too masculine/independent.

I have no respect for men and therefore do not believe they are worthy of telling them the truth. Perhaps your Daughter shares this view.