DP returned steaming on first night out after baby

DP and I have a 3 week old DC. Tonight was the first chance he has had to see his friends to ‘wet the baby’s head’ as it has been so full on. He said he’d be a couple of hours at most, meeting them at our local pub at 4 once they’d finished work.

He turned up an hour ago, having not got back to my messages asking where he was. He said his phone died, but he is steaming drunk. He crashed in waking DC, who I’d spent ages getting to fall asleep. He’s got a stain on the back of his beige shorts (it looks like shit) and has spent most of the time since he got home locked in the bathroom complaining about his stomach. He’s told me he had 8 pints and shots, as people kept buying them for him.

He says he needed that blow out after the last few weeks and that he will happily let me do the same when I want to. I’ve told him I don’t feel ready for that. He says two of his friends went out earlier than him when they became dad’s. Am I wrong to find this excessive so early on?

Look you're obviously very puritanical.
I'm not.
Obviously if he did this all the time it would not be acceptable, but it's a one-off.
I do think that in the real world in happy, successful marriages, this sort of thing is written off.

Battles are picked and that, imo, this is not the hill I'd choose to die on.

And unless she goes back to work very soon, she needs to be on benefits or have her husband's income.

I'm also not snagging off single mothers, nor am I saying it's best for a child to live in an abusive environment with warring parents - not at all. Absolutely not.
I do, however, think it's best for a child to be raised with two essentially good but perhaps a little imperfect parents than not.

I've nothing more to say.

No one needs to wet the baby's head. It's 2026. It's just an excuse for a group of men to get drunk

So him coming in falling over drunk and having stains on his clothes and his phone being off is fine

It's never a good idea to be out and get in a state where you can't stand up - for lots of reasons.

Maybe she doesn't want to go out and get blazing drunk to celebrate the fact that she's just had a baby

Which some women do

Well shed have to return to work PDQ to support herself

No. I don't think that he should actually.
There's nothing really to 'reflect' on.

Man's wife has baby. His friends get him bladdered.
He's a bit worse for wear as a result of it.

Maybe OP should be reflecting on how she could not predict that this was the inevitable outcome when I believe most people would be able to forsee it.

Not that she necessarily should, of course, but to me and others here, him returning home pissed would be a given knowing that this event was to 'wet the baby's head.'

'Oh they're likely to get him very drunk, at some point he'll come home pissed and pass out.
Never mind it's a one-off, he's otherwise a good husband, I'll let it pass provided I can also let my hair down at some point - which I can. '

You're assuming she either doesn't work or has a low paid job

How long she takes to get over it is up to her surely. Maybe he's the one that should be reflecting on his behaviour in this scenario

Well then if she's not chucking him out, she has to at some point forgive him, doesn't she?
Else the child will grow up in a toxic environment.

I really can't be bothered with your sarcasm. I'll make that clear firstly. I said nothing about chucking him out. As for peer pressure. He's an adult. No one forced him to drink 8 pints and shots and get falling down drunk just because he's a new dad

I'm from a single parent family. Plenty of people are single parents - but nice to see your judgement extended to them as well as people on benefits

And of course the woman in this scenario has to be on benefits if they ever got divorced and would be taxpayer funded.

Carry on with your sarcasm if you like

Yeah OK fine.
It's best that a guy who occasionally (on a very unusual event in his life) who probably experienced intense peer pressure to get drunk but otherwise appears to be a good husband gets chucked out.

It's probably better that this woman becomes a single mother, her child experiences the harsh environmental factors that sometimes brings (including possible abuse by a step-parent etc) and that the taxpayer pays in part for all of this.

I agree.
There's absolutely no room for forgiveness with any of this.

It is totally heinous and that's that.
(sarcasm, obviously.)

No let's be realistic here. She is likely to be claiming some benefits of some type if they divorced.
Likely, not guaranteed.

The baby is three weeks old. She's the person who carried the baby -who went through the process of giving birth. He did not need to go out and drink 8 pints and shots. He needed a "blow out". From what? He crashed through the door waking the baby. His phone was off and stained clothes

That's ok. But on another thread someone who had one pint with a Wetherspoons breakfast is being told she's a functioning alcoholic.

If they split she could very easily have a job of her own. Let's not make everything about be benefits

No one should have to "let" their partner do the same to justify their own behaviour

Totally agree.
I can't believe how unforgiving these posts are.
His friends had the drinks lined up for him.
He wasn't even home that late.
A one-off event.

If people are unable to forgive this, it's no wonder there's so much divorce.

I wonder if the posters here who are calling this man disgusting would be happy if they split and she were to have to be in part supported by the taxpayer?

Why do I think that the answer to that is a resounding no?

Disclaimer: I am of course happy for taxes to go to single mums who are being abused.

Maybe she doesn't, however, she can if she wants to.
He made that clear.

Maybe the OP doesn't want to roll around steaming drunk with stains on her clothes when she's got a three week old baby to look after

Well obviously having their baby grow up without it's father is preferable than a husband that gets smashed on 5 hours out " wetting" the baby's head

Of course the child's life will be so much better probably living with less money and no one to help out at anytime

You're missing the point.
It's OK to be annoyed about it for a day or two, but if this was held against me forever, I would regard it as abusive.

Its not that unusual for a man to get pressured into wetting the baby's head, ffs. It's hardly a frigging crime.
It's not even he was out late.

If a man said this about his wife here, he'd be accused of being abusive and controlling.
She's only letting her hair down etc.

Indeed he's absolute OK with her doing the same.

You can have your opinion about whether people are dicks are not, fine, however, there is a lot of pearl clutching here about things I think most people would eventually forgive.

People on here who dismiss women's concerns as 'pearl clutching' are generally dicks.

If your reaction as the husband in this scenario would to leave your wife and three-week old child because she was upset at your unacceptable and pretty disgusting behaviour on a night out, most people would think that your wife and child had a lucky escape.

It is pearl-clutching, though. What this guy did is absolutely trivial.
It really is.
There's no evidence to suggest that he is anything but a good husband. Nor is he denying the OP a night out herself.

He probably experienced peer pressure. As we all do.

It's OK to be annoyed for a while but not beyond a day or so.

I understand sleep deprivation makes everything seem worse, but I would not tolerate my spouse being annoyed about this for more than a day.

I'd put up with their contempt until the baby was older than leave.

Luckily, I'm not married to somebody who makes an absolute big deal about everything that could be brushed off and forgiven so this doesn't apply.

Oh and just in case I get accused of sexism, men can be pearl clutchers, too.

I do think holding a partner in contempt over the most trivial stuff such as this very minor incident is a form of mental abuse.

There compable in the fact he's not with his wife giving " support"