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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse sex if my husband heads straight to the pub?

59 replies

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 21:49

My husband and I get a limited amount of time together without children as he works away and we don’t have anyone to look after our children. Once I’ve got them to bed we usually have an hour or two together before I got to bed. One night a week/every other week is also his ‘pub night’ where he goes to our local to see a couple of his mates which is fine, I know it matters to him that he gets to see them. On that night we only get an hour together as he doesn’t want to go out too late or he won’t get the time with his friends before closing time but he also wants me and him to have sex before he goes. I’ve told him that I don’t like it when that happens, something about it feels rubbish to me. If we’re having sex then I want us to be together for a bit afterwards, cuddling, chatting that kind of thing. He sees no issue with being out the door a few minutes after we’ve finished and is annoyed at me that I no longer want to have sex if he’s going to the pub that night. I’d hoped by bringing it up that he might stay for longer after we were done but last week, even if was for 20 minutes say. But all he did was stand by the door for a few minutes pretending to listen to what I was saying which annoyed me. He thinks we’re husband and wife and that we can just have sex before he goes out and it shouldn’t be an issue. I can’t think of the exact wording but to me it seems a bit seedy to have sex with someone then they bugger off, even if it is my own husband. Should I be loosening up a bit and not seeing sex as such a big deal? Or is my husband the one who should be more mindful of how I feel? I’d rather just leave sex to a night where he isn’t going to the pub but he thinks we should be having it every night as we get so little time together.

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Givingmytwocents · 27/04/2026 10:46

If it makes you feel used, then that's reason enough not to want to. Just because he 'wants' it doesn't mean you have to go along with it. Your body, your choice. It would be different if you had sex spontaneously and in a moment of passion and he had plans to leave to go to the pub and left - that would be ok, but not like this - like its a routine he wants you to follow to suit him. You can tell him it kills the moods when you know he's got one eye on the door while having sex with you, as he can't wait to leave after. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too - If sex is that important to him 'because you don't spend that much time together' then he should stay, otherwise he needs to accept that this is the way it will be going forward. Choose sex or the pub, the ball is in his court.

Coconutter24 · 25/04/2026 09:18

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 24/04/2026 22:03

Every day?! Who's got time for that

It’s not 7 days a week by the sounds of it

mamajong · 25/04/2026 08:39

You dont need a reason to say no to sex so just say no. Dont get into a game of 'i will if you dont go to the pub' because thats not great either but its perfectly acceptable to say no.

Imbusytodaysorry · 25/04/2026 08:13

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 22:08

We’ve got three children aged 7 and under. By the time he’s back from the pub I’m in bed and tbh I’m too tired to get up to have sex with him.

@Idontthinkso88 op you have every right to say no , and I’m no present a healthy sex life . You feeling uncomfortable is not healthy . You feeling you are being used . It does appear it’s all about dh needs . How mentor see friends how need to “release” before he goes out . It’s not about wanting time with his dw. Do you what sex other times you have it or is it all about pleasing your dh . ?
Why do you put pods to bed every night?
What nights do you go out with friends .

Tell dh it’s his choice to go out all fine . It’s your choice when you want sex .

audhdandme · 25/04/2026 08:07

my gosh, some of these responses 🙄 no wonder there is so many miserable people on here

not you OP

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2026 08:03

Sex every night 🙀🙀🙀

tell him no. Esp if having it 6/7 other nights

is he cuddly the nights not going to the pub?

and hope you have good contraception or will be 4 kids under 8

Dodorogers · 25/04/2026 07:52

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Edited

What the actual fuck

AllotmentTime · 25/04/2026 07:48

It's shit not just because he leaves straight away, but because you're expected to be turned on within his specific window, every week. No allowance for what you actually are in the mood for, but boom, go time, perform within this window. Thats more like being a sex worker than a loving relationship and would give anyone the ick.

Similarly, him being in the mood for a shag with no cuddles is fine, but him pressuring you to do what he wants is all kinds of wrong and massively compounds the ick. If you say you don't like something, that ought to be a huge turn off for him. If he doesn't care what you want as long as he gets his end away, that's very telling.

sidneytweeney · 25/04/2026 07:43

It really doesn’t matter what your reason for not wanting sex at a particular time. You don’t have to explain.
him ‘let’s have sex’
you ‘I don’t want to’
END OF CONVERSATION

asdbaybeeee · 25/04/2026 07:41

I’d say no to sex if I didn’t want sex. I wouldn’t say I’m not having sex if you go to the pub as it sounds like you are trying to stop him going to the pub.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 25/04/2026 07:39

I would hate this too.
Say no.

It's 1 night in 7/14.
Why cant you shag any other the other nights?
Its like its some weird flex for his mates.

Also this did not escape my notice and got a 😒
Once I’ve got them to bed

he thinks we should be having it every night as we get so little time together.
You have so little time because he fucks leaving you to do all the heavy lifting. Its interesting he also he no interest in your opinion about how often you have sex.
I didnt want sex every day in my childless prime when I had hours and hours of free time and unbroken sleep.

I have a feeling your marriage wouldnt work for me because your husband is an awful misogynist
I assume there are huge inequalities in other areas of your life/marriage.

Tell him to fuck off and have a wank if he is that desperate. You might be more in the mood if his pulled his weight.

nomas · 25/04/2026 07:37

I’d rather just leave sex to a night where he isn’t going to the pub but he thinks we should be having it every night as we get so little time together.

Even if he never went to the pub and was home every night, you shouldn’t feel you have to have sex with him every night.

Do you feel that you should have it whenever he wants to?

Bamboozledbylife · 25/04/2026 07:36

Every night with 3 kids? Balls to that.

Malasana · 25/04/2026 07:34

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Edited

All well and good if her needs are being met. Him getting up and dashing out to the pub means her needs (emotionally) are being neglected. She’s expressed this and is being disregarded. She feels used.

In any case she can refuse sex at any time for any reason. Just because he’s here husband and wants sex does not mean she has to have sex.

bumptybum · 25/04/2026 07:32

You have sex every night?

CocoaTea · 25/04/2026 07:14

I totally understand what you are saying about it making it feel a bit “smash and run”.

It’s hard to articulate though isn’t it?

nutsfornuts · 25/04/2026 07:10

It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks (I think lots of people would agree with you, I personally wouldn’t be that bothered) - you don’t like having sex under those circumstances so he can choose to create a situation whereby you enjoy having sex with him or he can forgo the the sex.

CurlewKate · 25/04/2026 07:06

Are you saying you have sex every night? Is that what you both want?

FieryA · 25/04/2026 07:02

He is going to the pub only every other week, so its only on that day that the sex is rushed- is that correct? I don't see a particular problem with that. You could have a quickie or maybe only foreplay- vary it each time, so you still get some chance to cuddle afterwards.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/04/2026 06:58

JMSA · 25/04/2026 06:51

I’m going to go against the grain and say that you seem a bit controlling. No wonder you don’t have much time together if you’re in bed an hour or two after the kids.
Sometimes a quickie is fine. And it’s also nice to take time and snuggle together. Presumably you see each other at weekends too.

How is she controlling? She doesn’t want sex that makes her feel used/sad. Nothing wrong with that.

JMSA · 25/04/2026 06:51

I’m going to go against the grain and say that you seem a bit controlling. No wonder you don’t have much time together if you’re in bed an hour or two after the kids.
Sometimes a quickie is fine. And it’s also nice to take time and snuggle together. Presumably you see each other at weekends too.

loislovesstewie · 25/04/2026 06:50

I took it to mean that as he works away he wants to have sex every day/night they are together. So if he's home 3 nights he wants sex on all those 3 nights.

kkloo · 25/04/2026 06:21

mjf981 · 25/04/2026 02:08

She doesn't say every night, not sure where people are reading that. He works away as well so there will be a lot of nights he isn't home.

Personally I wouldn't mind this at all. DTD then I can roll over and sleep feeling tired and satisfied. The last thing I want to do is have lingering conversation!

Last sentence in the OP.

I’d rather just leave sex to a night where he isn’t going to the pub but he thinks we should be having it every night as we get so little time together.

Hayley1256 · 25/04/2026 02:31

This wouldn't bother me TBH. If I wanted sex then I'd probs enjoy it and then have some peace afterwards!

You shouldn't be having sex with him for his sole benefit as you should enjoy it too.

mjf981 · 25/04/2026 02:08

She doesn't say every night, not sure where people are reading that. He works away as well so there will be a lot of nights he isn't home.

Personally I wouldn't mind this at all. DTD then I can roll over and sleep feeling tired and satisfied. The last thing I want to do is have lingering conversation!