Age 9 daughter left out always

It is happening to my DD too. Eldest has close group of friends, 4 of them, some parents are very close friends themselves but they also enable play dates with other girls even if they are not so close with the parents.
Youngest is in a class where I find it very hard to organise play dates as parents are not interested for their daughters to socialise with any girl whose parents they don’t go out with. I invited everybody for her birthday she only got invited back from 2 girls. One of the girls even brought to school a goodie bag for her saying she really would have loved for her to be there but her mum did not allow her to invite her. Boys have had bday parties with some girls but did not invite her. I text parents for play dates and takes week for them to respond, manage to organise 2 at ours, never got invited back. She feels really sorry as she says at school they all play with her. We are a normal family with normal jobs, decent house etc so there is nothing wrong with us.
mums also deliberately avoid me at school gates or even don’t say hello if we bump into each other outside school, they pretend not to see me.
it just really shocks me how people can be so closed minded that they want their kids only to see the kids of their own friends and are not even able to say hello and goodbye when bumping into each other which for me is a basic etiquette rule I was taught as a kid

I don't think there is much you can do to be honest. They are happy as a group and I don't think you can infiltrate that outside school time. I think it's fine to say that to DD that those friends are busy and that she needs to consider asking a different girl to play on a weekday.

If the mums are friends they’re just meeting with with their own friends and it’s convenient to that the girls are friends too. If it were a group of boys it would be called a friendship group, not a clique.

They're almost at an age where they sort out their own social life, by year 6 they’ll be less socialising through their mums.

How much inviting do you do? Do you invite any of these girls to yours or days out?

It sounds really difficult but my advice would be to make sure she has a range of friendship opportunities so it doesn't become a reliance on school friends. This is a really great age for that. Can you find an activity she would like to do and that you can facilitate that has basically nothing to do with school or school friends? It doesn't have to be anything major with a big commitment. Even doing something like climbing once or twice a month if it's affordable can be a great springboard. Swimming club, library coding clubs etc.

Also encourage her to be comfortable spending time on her own and with other children in her class.

I would identify the main mum and rule that dc out but focus on one or two of the other dc in the group and invite them over for pizza and film or something. Some mums are odd and don’t realise their dc can be friends with dc without you being friends with the adult.

dd2 has a group of 5 friends and they all include dd except one. Dd joined the group in year 9 and the others have been friends since primary. She’s the self proclaimed “posh one with a big house and mum has an important job”… except dh works for the same employer and is senior and we have a similar size house (standard 4 bed newbuild style not a mansion). None of the other friends care about that stuff and hang out at each others all the time. Dd can’t get her head round why the one friend won’t invite her when they’re a tight group the rest of the time.

so, in short, people are weird. Dd has learned that friends are great but family is here for always. It’s a tough lesson.

definitely this, start encouraging her to be friends with others outside the popular group

So make sure you're always busy at weekend doing amazingly fun stuff

Oh yeah we put up a tent in the garden and played at camping and had hotdogs outside, it was epic!!!

We took the train and went to this awesome library, it was amazing!!!

Etc etc.Its how you present your life. You're not missing out.

The mother is not including you for whatever reason- fuck her and have your own fun.

Is it to do with car pooling, as in you can fit 4 kids in your car but not 5 unless you have a 7 seater? Do they have siblings of the same age/ gender so they can swap and share lifts eg you take the girls to soccer and I’ll take the boys to cricket? If they are in the same afterschool it is awkward to take 3 but not the 4th kid, because they see it whereas your kid won’t see it because she isn’t right there. Have you ever done things like be really late for collecting your dad from their house or flaked out on plans last min?

these are all reasons it isn’t your daughter. I feel sad she went to bed feeling upset when those girls might really like her but because of reasons external to her it doesn’t suit

You need to encourage your DD to find other friends - both in school and out of school (if possible). "Fortunately" 9/10 is an age when girls' friendships tend to naturally change anyway, so you may well find the existing friendship groups start to fragment and different groups form as the girls start maturing at different speeds and develop new interests. It's also an age when the girls will be quite clear about who their friends are and will be making their own plans to do things with them - parental social engineering will only be tolerated to a degree.

Which does lead me to another point. It's great that the other girls are playing with your DD at school, but it is possible that they are only doing it to be nice, and don't consider her as close a friend as the others, which is why she is not invited to things.

It all went to pot age 9 here. DD pivoted to another group of friends for year 5. I would suggest asking some people outside the 'frenemy five' for some playdates so she can widen her circle a bit.

At this point there will also be cliques forming among parents thinking about secondary school placements so that might be a factor.

I would look to join out of school clubs such as brownies or a sport. They usually include kids from a wider area and then sometimes at secondary school with a wider catchment your DD will have friends from those clubs. It's good to have a range of friends. I had a difficult time at Secondary school and was really glad of my Guides and Music club friends.

Take comfort that this is a temporary issue in a few short years the girls will push the mums away and socialise themselves

I think I would be encouraging DD to form friendships with the other girls in the class.

If these 5 are in a strong group and the parents are friends then it isn’t going to happen that she just gets added to the group.

Out of school activities together and lift shares make a big difference tbh. The girls get closer spending time at the activities and in the car together and the parents get to know each other more through the lift shares and standing watching or waiting to collect etc. so this is the most likely reason your DD is not quite part of the group, nothing personal.

there are other girls in the class but they are not mentioned.

Ah. Your dd may have fallen into the trap of trying to break into what appears to be the "popular" well established group.

You might do better to encourage to broaden out. There will be others in the class whom she isn't noticing who she stands a better chance at developing a deeper friendship with who's parents might not be so prone to snubbing.

Before DD2 left primary to secondary school they were 4 girls (and 21 boys). It was the same.

She found her friends in Girl Guiding and ballet.

I have explained to her that we cannot control what other people do and maybe they are not such good friends but she’s gone to bed crying.

YABU to say that to your DD when they all play well at school and her teacher says she is well liked. You just upset her there not her friends. Maybe the other girls are closer or maybe the parents are closer

If there are only five girls in the class then honestly I would move schools because of the restrictive educational impact of such a small class.

However, if there are other girls in the class then just cultivate friendship with them, invite them to play etc.

And don't worry about other group and know that you won't have anything to do with them out of school

We too have a clique of 5 girls in DD's class, and their parents have been pals since reception (whereas DD joined in yr2).

It bothers me more than DD, there are other girls, she always has someone to play with at school, we have 1:1 playdates with a range of kids.

Like @cheekynamechang3
I remind myself that the parents (who lead the outside of school socialising) are fully entitled to have a friendship group, and it's absolutely ok that it doesn't include me. They hardly know me, it'd be strange to presume I could just join their long-established group.

As long as DD is happy, and has friendship choices, it's all just a short phase in our lives.

sorry, when I wrote the reply, I missed this. Sorry OP, this sounds really hurtful.

I'd still try and arrange fun things yourself though. Cinema trip maybe?

I have a DD the same age with a similar situation, although my DD seems oblivious to the fact she's not involved outside of school.
My DD will play with younger children though which can make it less obvious she's struggling within her own peer group. I'm hoping going to high school will help her find her people.
There isn't much we can do as parents other than say that often at this age there are lots of external factors too like their parents being friends too, living near to each other, and that when they go to high school there will be a much bigger group of children to form new friendships with.

Similar thing for my daughter. She's 9 and very popular in class but never really gets invited on playdates or out of school trips. She gets invited to lots of parties and when we invite people here, they're always very keen. It's just that for some reason, I'm not besties with the other parents.

I get on fine with the parents, but they all seem to be in friendship groups of their own and I'm not part of it. Thinking about it though, we don't have much in common and when I try and talk them it's a real effort to find some common ground and have a great conversation.

I think I've made my peace with it as my daughter is happy with the friendships at school- she has lots of friends. From my pov there's no point in forcing friendships with the parents. In a couple of years they will be in secondary school and this won't be an issue.

If I were you, I'd invite your daughter's friends over for playdates and you may find they're reciprocated. Maybe you won't, but at least your daughter gets the playdates - this will make her happy.

Sounds very odd and perhaps driven by the parents. They seem to have their own clique.

I'd focus on your DD joining clubs in the area to meet new people. My DD is now 10 and since joining a dance club a couple of years she has met some lovely girls and made new friendships.