to think a lot of men don’t actually want children as much as they say they do?

Not necessarily - dry cleaning/ironing services - man. Gardening and odd jobs - man. Cleaner - woman. Babysitting - woman

About a month before I was due to have dc1, I had a thread on here about the logistics of working and having a young child. I read it every now and again. It is like visiting the 1990s or something. I’m so naive and sweetly confident that ‘DH and I will share drop offs and pick ups’ and ‘we’ll share night wakes once I’m back off maternity leave’ and believing we’d be equal, or at least fairly equal.

Then my children happened and I don’t quite know where we went so wrong. I do think DH sees them as my children and thus my responsibility, that he will graciously help with sometimes.

Outsourced to other women

Tbf I think it’s a personality thing, I struggled way more than DH (he’s tired but absolutely loves being a dad, makes appointments for things like the dentist and takes DD etc, always hands on). We are both people who value duty so we just got on with it but he’s much less selfish than me so I think he found the adjustment “easier” to lose his own time, sleep etc. I think on average men tend to just be more selfish than women.

Sorry @Sweetandsaltycaroline but your husband sounds pathetic and selfish.

I don’t have kids but do babysit now and again including taking friend kids out and I’d have known to buy him something else. That’s just common sense to know someone of any age might be hungry after that length of time.

And I know my brothers who take out our younger cousins would know to sort food out too - and they don’t even have their own kids.

I think we need to stop normalising this and accepting such low standards from fathers/men.

One of my best friends is a guy, it’s a joy to see him with his kids and we always do something child-friendly. I know he takes his kids to the library every weekend too.

Just a reminder that there are some competent and decent fathers/men out there. I appreciate some women don’t know how useless the men are, until after they’ve had kids. But I’m baffled by the ones who keep on having kids with the same man who has proven himself to be an inadequate parent.

Agree there were so many times i took the kids somewhere on my own because DH wasnt fussed about going - like i would actively choose to go to all the places aimed at kids.
Occasionally on a weekend I would suggest going out somewhere and hed suggest something like a food market! 🤣

After nearly 20 years of parenting it isnt natural for him to think of the DC needs automatically, if they dont align with his own.
He took DS to a football match when DS was about 6, and bought them both a baguette. DS didnt like it so didnt eat it. DH ate his and didnt consider that being away from home for 7 hours, he would need to buy DS something else to eat!! 😳

Hi! Sorry, you probably didn’t see it, but I updated my post (as I wasn’t clear in my post before), to clarify that in general women are paid less than men. Hence the gender pay gap. My friends also outearn their partners. I also said this is why I am in favour of keeping the £100k limit for government help with childcare costs to per person and not per couple. It encourages women to stay in their jobs and progress and for men to think about reducing their hours in order to keep their benefits. It seems on here that it’s a forgone conclusion that nursery fees come out of the women’s salary and hence they think there is no point going back to work if they earn less. Not the way my husband I work though, we’ve always been equal, split parental leave, and encouraged each other.

anecdote v data.

“Women’s jobs are paid less” is far too much of a generalisation. All my female friends earn more than their male partners, including myself… times are changing!

How am I adding to that?

It's not all men, but from what I've seen the majority aren't equal parents. The phrase 'men want kids like kids want a dog' is very apt. The idea of having one is better than the reality, as the reality is a lot of hard work.

So you don’t need to add to that

Many men want a wife and kids, but don't want to be a husband and father. They want a wife and kids so that they get to look like normal people, but they don't actually want to invest in those relationships.

I’d agree with you - but I think you could apply that to women too. When I see people with their kids, bored out of their brain, not engaging with them at all, scrolling down their phones, I wonder why they bothered in the first place. I mean, wouldn’t life have been easier without them? What was the point?

I think any single parent who has their child 100% of the time with no financial support from the other parent is massively disadvantaged in general.

Great, that’s one set up. A single mum earning over 100k is massively disadvantaged

Blimey, I must not be a biological woman then, or my husband a biological man!! My life has been a lie!!!!

It is biology.

This post says it all really.
You say he is "a good dad" and then describe the opposite really because the bar for being "a good dad" is set incredibly low.
Obviously there are exceptions and I hope things are gradually changing with the newest parents out there but certainly there is a traditional belief that men can do a lot less to be perceived as a good parent.

I do think many men go into parenthood without having thought deeply about the reality of it and then can't fully cope when the reality hits.

Adam is coming... (Adam the male IUD, that is)

Expect it in 2 years maybe...and we shall see if that happens.

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2025/apr/24/non-hormonal-male-contraceptive-implant-lasts-two-years-trials

I 1000% agree, but I see his point. He looks after our children on his own, and when we were together he did his share of house work. Sadly that's more than many men do. Compared to them he is a "great" dad.

Imagine if being a great mum was just doing your share of the house work and physically caring for your child sometimes!

I agree. But I had a childhood friend who was the same. She says her partner is a brilliant dad to her two younger kids. In comparison to the eldest child whose father is completely MIA yeah he probably is, but overall no he’s not.

I know more about the names of her kids teachers, what subjects they study and what clubs they attend than he does.

She used to try and use me as a temporary stand-in parent to bounce ideas off, until I eventually told her she needs to be discussing this all with her “brilliant dad” partner.

I don’t mind her asking me for opinions now and again but I found it burdensome that she expected me and her female relatives to be more involved and knowledgeable about things like her child’s education than the child’s father.

I think the problem is the bar is set so low for fathers that anyone better than a deadbeat is praised. Especially for those who haven’t really witnessed evidence of great fathers before.

I always say that I'm a mediocre mum, but would be a brillian dad. Amazing. So involved!

If he doesn’t do the things you have listed, he’s a very poor dad.