AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

Except the mother wants her money to go to her grandchildren, so she wants to split it equally between her 4 grandchildren, not between her two children, and not leave anything to her step-grandchildren.

if she was just bypassing one generation on one side - so leaving 50% to her daughter but then splitting the other 50% between her grandchildren from her son, that would be unfair.

This is actually fair, unless you think a) the son should be entitled to an inheritance his sister isn’t getting or b) you think the step children should get the same share of inheritance as the bio grandchildren, or c) you think the son should get to decide what his parent’s will looks like.

It’s probably best she leaves it to you and your brother then. Your brother can then divide his share however he chooses.

As you say though, her money her choice. I just think she’s making the wrong choice.

People have very weird ideas about who should get inheritance.

On the one hand, posters seem keen for the GM to leave her money to people she doesn’t want to leave it to, in the interests of “fairness”.

But, if the deceased father (OP’s brother’s wife’s late-spouse) has left a trust for his DC to receive when they’re adults, would those same people think that money should be split equally with the widow’s DSCs? Children a man never thought of as his own, or possibly never met (in the same way that the GM doesn’t think of her DSGC as hers?) I doubt it 🤷‍♀️

Essentially, money accrued during your lifetime is yours to spend as you wish and people should stop spending their time on earth stressing and arguing about what they will/won’t get if someone dies.

Yes, if anyone is controlling here it's the person who's trying to decide how someone else wills their assets!

Also, administering trusts can be expensive. There's nothing here to indicate that the estate may be large enough to easily absorb those costs, and that's before any care costs are considered. It's poor advice.

My in-laws were advised to do this to avoid two sets of inheritance taxes. And to be honest, they are a long lived family so it’s likely our children will be at exactly the right age to really benefit.

Honestly, hats off to your mum for supporting your brother's ex-wife and children rather than her own son who has behaved very badly towards his first wife and and their joint children. No wonder she wants to redress the balance through inheritance.

So your brother pretty much abandoned his own kids to move away to be with his new wife and step-kids? No wonder your mum is protective about these grandchildren.

I'm not sure why your brother thinks that you should support him to try and change your mum's mind. He sounds like a bit of an arse.

I expect his mother realised that if she gave him anything and then he died, it would go to his wife. When the wife died it would go to her children and not the son’s children.

Exactly. And that is almost certainly what is going to happen to someone I know whose father is dying. The dad has indicated that his second wife will inherit everything. And as she's made absolutely no effort to get to know my friend (her step child), there's no doubt at all that everything will end up with her children by another man.

I can see why your mum doesn't see them as family, then. And it's really not your place to tell her what to do.

And of course, if your brother and his wife split up, the step children would disappear from your family, never to be seen again.

But your mum should just leave the money to you and your brother. It's not helpful to family harmony to skip a generation when there are step kids involved.

It’s not controlling to decide the terms of your own will!

@Yetone Set up a trust then with clear aims and beneficiaries. It’s still cutting him out and he might live to 100. Who knows and it’s controlling whataboutery after death.

I expect his mother realised that if she gave him anything and then he died, it would go to his wife. When the wife died it would go to her children and not the son’s children.

I don’t see the brother as being unreasonable. He’s getting nothing and his step dc are getting nothing.

He's in the same position as Op.

Getting nothing & it going to bio kids.

I don’t see the brother as being unreasonable. He’s getting nothing and his step dc are getting nothing. Not even a mention! Not 1p. It’s a bit insulting really. A small amount really would do no harm and is the ex making his children not want to see him? Is he effectively excluded so moved? We don’t know but he’s clearly being effectively removed from the family.

Your brother's step-children could inherit from their own grandparents by both parents. Is your brother expecting his current partner's parents to leave his children an inheritance??!!! His children are his partner's step-children after all!! I doubt very much they will, and neither should he be expecting them too; no more than he should expect your Mum to do the same!

If any sets of grandparents are no longer with us, or are planning to leave their assets to their children instead of grandchildren, or the grandchildren don't see a set of grandparents... that's just too bad. It's circumstances, that no one has any control over.

Your brother is being unreasonable. He shouldn't be pressuring your Mum, that's unfair. At the end of the day her assets, are just that, hers, and she can plan her Will as she sees fit. I agree with you, don't get involved.

Yes, I accept that he isn't totally absent but it's quite clear where his priorities lie.

@MoneyandInheritance The grandchildren don’t see their dad much and both probably need to make more effort. His ex probably doesn’t see the need either and dc are influenced by this. I don’t think your DM should leave them an equal amount but nothing is cutting his new family, and him, out completely. We always say “two wrongs don’t make a right”. She really should recognise them with a small % or £ gift. If it was me, I would say that. Does DM see your brother at all?

It's pretty clear why she doesn't trust him not to just spend any inheritance on the new family.

He might see them, but he isn't parenting them. Doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with them, actually.

Of course they don't want to go and see him. He made it very clear that they weren't his priority, and continues to do so by not spending 1:1 time with them.

Not her blood. It really is that simple.

Oh your mum thinks he’s deadbeat.

Moving away, only seeing in the holidays, not being a part of their lives through his choices - yep she doesn’t trust he’d do the right thing and leave anything to his bio kids.

I have a brother who ignored his previous kids when he remarried and never paid a penny in maintenance and was always spending money on his step kids. He is now divorced again and doesn’t keep in touch with his step kids now and as far as I know in touch with his bio kids.

If your brother got a new partner with children does he think your mum should leave her estate to a trail of his step kids or would he want her to alter the will to the new step kids? As he barely sees his own biological kids I doubt he would bother with his previous step kids if they split up.

Your bro's the next thing closest to a deadbeat and he left his bio kids behind for the second wife. I see exactly why your mom is leaving her money to the grandkids.

He's pestering her for more money. He even thinks he should get more because he's had two kids he dumped and is raising his now wife's two. That's not on your mom to finance his choices. In a way, she's making up for his dumping his bio kids. She doesn't trust him or his wife to do right by his bio kids.

I'd tell him to quit bugging her about trying to get her money. He's being extremely open about his greed and entitlement. Tell him to stop being such a disappointment.