AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

I assume what she meant was that were my then GF & I to have children together that her son should get the same inheritance from me as any children his mother & I had

Because she isn't particularly close to her son's partner's kids.

Step parents are generally advised to not try to be a parent - they should aim for more of a fun aunt / uncle role ( there are exceptions to this, but this is what is usually advised ). Same applies to grandparents - just because her son got re married, it does not mean the new partner's kids are automatically forced into a full grandchild / grandparent role. She's kind to them, but just not as close as she is to her grandkids.

Given that she isn't close to them, it's possible there are multiple other young family members that she is closer to, and would rightly feel left out if son's partner's kids are given an inheritance and they aren't.

I suppose I see what you are saying - but I suspect the son would not be mollified by a token amount.

@AnnieLummox Well of course people decide to be unkind and divisive with money as a form of control and disrespect. It’s not what a pleasant caring person does.

@ForgotwhatIcameinherefor Why say “equal”? Clearly not but that doesn’t mean they should be totally ignored, along with the DS of the DM.

Any argument in favour of leaving to the SGC I think was lost the moment OP clarified that the GC and SGC never lived together and do not have a sibling relationship.

They are nowhere near equal.

Therefore legacies can recognise these step GC. What harm could it possibly do?

I don’t think anyone has suggested it will do actual harm. It just isn’t what the OP’s mother wants. I’d have thought you could decide what you wanted to do with your own money.

But you want to redraw the line beyond the one DM has drawn. So actually yes, that does raise the possibility that your desire to widen it might mean there are other family members who she has relationships less close than the bio GC, but more close than the SGC. For all you know, there's people who'd completely understand only bio GC being included but who would then feel hurt if SGC with whom DM has a more distant relationship were given a legacy over them.

There just isn't enough information for you to draw all the conclusions that you are doing. Much less that OP should accede to DBs frankly appalling suggestion that she try and persuade DM that her plans for her estate aren't good enough.

I come from a family with lots of step parents, step grandparents. None of them afaik have left anything to their non biological children. The biological children have never expected it. I have a stepfather and have had him in my life all my life but it’ll be up to him what he leaves, if anything to me and to DB. No way would I expect anything. My bio father has passed too and his parents, nothing was left to us from any of them.

So, unfortunately though it seems unfair it’s up to your mum to leave what she wants or not (as case may be) to her step grandchildren.

He’s presumably looking at 4 dc so his estate has to go further. The DM has drawn the line! Not me. She’s not including anyone else! It’s far better to acknowledge these step dc with a small %. Yes the son wants more and has said so. If I was op, I’d talk about it to DM. Op doesn’t need the money either, but that’s not the point. It’s about being kind and not dividing a family. None of the grandchildren need the money and op
has explained she’s well off. Therefore legacies can recognise these step GC. What harm could it possibly do?

I presume the point is that DM could have equally close or closer relationships with those other family members than she does with the DSC. To that end, you can't decide it makes no sense to draw a line including DSC and decide it would exclude other family members aside from the bio GC. I wouldn't go as far as saying it's probable, as the pp did, but it is clearly a possibility.

Wouldn't be so sure that being kind to the SDC in a small way whilst not diluting the estate would be experienced as such either. For one, we've no numbers. But also DB not only thinks full equality with bio GC is the only fair way but he's got such strong feelings about this that he's taken the frankly inexcusable step of trying to get OP to pressure their mother. Whilst being pretty well off himself, and presumably intending to treat SDC equally in his own will, which tells us he has strong feelings about that principle.

@LameBorzoi Since when are nephews and nieces involved? There’s no need for that at all. The dc here are getting nothing, so why add in cousins? Makes no sense and there’s no
need to go further than grandchildren, but a small % for step grandchildren is perfectly reasonable, and possible, without diluting the estate. The grandmother has recognised these dc with other gifts. Now nothing. No need to add anyone else in, just be kind to these dc in a small way. It’s the thought that counts.

I think it's partly to make up for the unfair treatment of bio GC by her son.

Also, if she adds in the step GC (who she is not close to) there's probably other people she needs to add in - nieces / nephews etc. If you chop up an estate like that, it quickly turns the inheritance from a life changing amount to a small sum that just gets spent.

@ItsalwayslocationA lot of us think these dc should be left something - but not necessarily equivalent. It doesn’t have to be equal shares. The son is being punished to make sure he doesn’t leave anything to his new wife if he dies. So his new family are totally excluded. They should be recognised with some % but not a high one. It’s pretty divisive to use money like this to show complete disapproval.

It seems like people are damned if they do or damned if they don’t.

OPs mother seems like a decent enough person, she’s kind to the son’s step children but doesn’t view them as grandchildren and sees them a couple of times a year.

If she wasn’t kind to them, she’d be called a monster…and yet if she is kind to them, she somehow needs to leave them money (equal to her actual grandchildren!) in the will.
Make it make sense 🤷‍♀️

Your DB did the usual thing and put new wife and kids ahead of his own kids, so he clearly doesn't value blood relatives. Your DM does.

There is nothing wrong with her wanting to leave her money to her biological grandchildren.

He needs to leave you alone as it is nothing to do with you. He needs to stop pressuring her. Seeing as he suggested that if it were left to you and him he should get more as he has more DC, shows you exactly where his mind is. He wants more money for himself and his family.

If OP’s brother is so upset that his stepchildren won’t get anything from his mother, he can give them more of his own estate. But I suspect he won’t want to do that, because he won’t see it as “fair”. He wants to put all that on his mother.

Your Brother is asking you to suggest something against you kids interested. Why would he expect you to agree with you. Your Mum’s suggestion is the fairest.

It's not for you to understand or not. What you think is irrelevant.

It's her money and she can bequeath it to whoever she wants.

That’s just unfortunate circumstances, if they were set to inherit I doubt they would leave any too the other children. I have a SC and I have only left to my biological children.

The question as to if the step mums family will leave money to the brothers bio children is a good one re the fairness. Plus if money is inherited by the son, if he dies before his wife, will she see the step children, who don’t live with her and they only have access half of school holidays, as equally her children and divide her estate by 4 not 2?

The brother moved away from his dcs. He doesn’t see them much. He doesn’t do day to day parenting. From the grandmothers perspective, I could see that he sees his step children as his responsibility but it doesn’t appear the step mum has much of the same relationship with her step children.

@OttersOnAPlane You might do this to ensure the next generation, son, doesn’t have too much in his estate for IHT. Skipping a generation is beneficial. Or if you are left money and prefer dc to have it, make a deed of variation and hand over the money.

I think your mum is unreasonable to set her will out this way, and you’re wrong to agree with her, if you do. The stepchildren have been around 10 years and she treats them well up to now, it will be gutting for them to be snubbed in her will.

At minimum, it should be 50% to your kids and 50% split between his four. Really, I would say it should be everyone gets a sixth.

But you’re not wrong to say it’s her (morally wrong) right to leave her estate to whoever she chooses and not try to change her mind.

if she was just bypassing one generation on one side - so leaving 50% to her daughter but then splitting the other 50% between her grandchildren from her son, that would be unfair

That's the situation in our family. One brother will be loaded when he retires (he works at a large bank and his benefits are amazing) so his portion is being given to his children.

It was discussed openly and everyone is fine with it.

I would take exactly the same position as you, and my parents have in fact taken exactly the same position your mum - they have said outright to my brother that it’s not their job to make up for someone else’s family situation, and that isf he wants his DC and SDC to have equal money he has to make that happen himself seeing as he was the one who chose to get himself into this situation to begin with. My brother hasn’t pushed it as he respects that everyone is entitled to do whatever they want with their money - like him. He’s going to equalize things himself (first wife doesn’t know and I’m pretty sure she’ll say that that’s diluting what her D.C. would get, but to my eyes it’s up to my brother to take on as many responsibilities as he wants, and they don’t all have to be with her consent seeing as they’re divorced).

Your brother may be able to vary the terms of her will if the bio gcs agree, so they split their share with the SC. Do they all get on and is there a big age difference? What does your brother's ex think about her children sharing their inheritance with the SC, not a lot I would think.

Of course your mum may be deliberately skipping a generation so that the SCs don't get share. It's her money and she wants it to go to her descendants.