With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

I don't expect to inherit anything, even if care fees aren't needed I have 4 brothers so everything split 5 ways will mean no one will get much anyway but I expect my dad at least will need care.

I expect my partner will inherit though as care fees where we live are taken from the person's pension income (something like 85% of their income so they have a little spending money still) rather than savings/house value but also big family so will be shared out a lot.

DD's paternal grandad was completely independent until the end then died very suddenly (heart attack I suppose) so she inherited (dad died beforehand) a reasonable amount but that's not so common. She also inherited from her dad's maternal grandparents and my god that has caused so much drama - they died 15+ years ago and the estate still hasn't been divided and it's got to the point that criminal reports are being filed. I hate it all and if it was my inheritance I'd say fuck it, I don't care but I'm legally obliged to ensure she gets her fair share as she's under 18 so I have to keep demanding that the law is followed.

I was hoping Dmum would follow neighbours exmaple and look at sheltered accommodation at least - but siblings put her off that and encouage her to stay in an isolated village then moan when she sometimes needs extra support. In fact any money spent of making things easier for her is also grumbled about.

My parternal GM and maternal GF both ended up in care homes after deaths of their spouces - nether were keen but in end found it better than being in their own home and struggling.

Paternal GM after hurting herslef trying to storm out in frist few days - actually decided she wished she done it years ago - no cooking less cleaning and people round to help her. I think she'd spent last decade hoping Dmum would do that role and she wasn't going to though did a lot of running round anyway.

This is all nothing new: has nobody read Dickens?!

Anyone banking on/calculating what inheritance they are ‘set to receive’ is a greedy fool.
Earn your own money and spend it, what someone else earnt or has is not yours or your business.

My parents were both broke and died comparatively young there was never going to be any inheritance, but in many ways I am glad that they both died fairly suddenly and didn't suffer these slow deaths.

One of my friends runs a care agency and she told me its shocking how many people have power of attorney for their elderly relative and will try to reduce their care calls down to almost unsafe levels because they want to preserve their inheritance. "nah mum doesnt need an hour- give her 30 mins" and thats to wash/shower her, dress her, give meds, cook lunch, feed her, etc This is about quality of life and they're scrimping on money that isnt even theirs yet!

As controversial as it is I do wonder why dementia patients are not allowed to just die but kept comfortable. No treatment for other conditions. My friends DH who is 70 has dementia it’s come on quite rapidly she told me he needs a pacemaker. I really don’t see the point of over medicalising someone who is on their way out has lived a life though sadly he is not at the expected age for a British man to attain. I would say he can’t actually properly give consent and I find that ethically difficult. My other friends Mother is in a home and has been treated for various ailments, it’s breaking my friend and distressing her and breaking the bank. My MIL is showing some very early signs and I’m hoping she just dies quickly of something else.

This is not about inheritance for me , I never had anything to inherit personally it’s about actually letting people go with some degree of dignity,

Yes people do underestimate the amount of support their elderly parents will need for day to day living even if they don’t require residential care.

No-one should bank on inheritance.

I'm aware how expensive care homes in the 90s were and how much my parents had to pay out for carers once the min week post hospital care was up.

However inheritance also has emotional stuff attacked to it - leaving everything to one child or unevenly can be interpreted to mean that one child was loved less.

I have siblings already resenting parent paying for things with their money and trying to push everyone else out of any inheritance - it's a pattern of behavior. If house is there at end it's a hefty sum that could help me and my DC out in life - make a huge difference - like fuck would I allow that to slip away form me especially as only person it may upset would be dead. I suspect they think they can continue to bully me - and it may shock them when gloves come off and I fight and get nasty if they try and steal from me. I may well post on here about how best to get what currently in the will if I need to. I'd only dispute a will if I felt there was something off about it and not parents stated wishes set out with an actual solitor currently.

yeah it's a big thing. My DF went through 170k in 18 months at a care home 4 years ago, prices have risen even more since then.

Meanwhile my DH's SILs ( in their thirties and married to sons from his DFs second family - DH has been told he won't be getting a penny) spend their time talking about who will inherit 'the house' their in laws live in! As if it were some family seat that won't be sil doff (it's not)

Inheritance is horrible all round. I admire the posters giving any excess to their kids earlier that their own death.

My dad is currently costing £100k pa. He has late stage dementia and heart issues.

Dementia care is now closer to £1900pw in London and the SE.

My aunt spent 10 years in a dementia care home at a cost of almost £1 million.

I was thinking the same thing OP, especially on the recent threads about children’s savings accounts. Lots of people saying their kids were set to inherit vast sums from grandparents.

I’m nearly 60 so a lot of my friends have lost their parents. I only know of one person who inherited anything. The rest of the elderly parents had to spend their entire estate on care fees.

I’m the sole beneficiary of my Mum’s will but I’m being realistic and not expecting anything.

So many people insist they will not go into a care home but then the alternative as most family members live far away or have their own lives is to sit alone waiting for the carers. Quite often first visit is 11am after 16+ hours in bed as last visit is 5pm. Barely finish breakfast when the lunch time 15 minute visit arrives. Then another visit at 3pm.
Not at times the toilet is needed. Overnight NHS incontinence pads are pretty useless.
In a care home the staff can fit a little more around routines of the residents and while many are in their nighties and dressing gowns at 6pm they can stay in the lounge until much later. Plus there is always something going on. So it is expensive but money worth spending.

As horrible as it is, though, it's true that inheritance, or the thought of it, does funny things to people. How many threads do we get over inheritance issues? There's a reason so many murder mysteries hinge on inheritance.

In fact I foresee a potential inheritance dispute/issue in my future; might not happen for various reasons (the most obvious one being that there may be no inheritance at all) but equally it's entirely possible. I might seek opinions on here if it should happen.

A friend of mine is 33 and speaks a lot about the inheritance that her DH is set to have in future. We went to a small spa recently which has a cottage next to it with a heated pool and she said one day she wants a house like that, with heated pool included. (She will not think of the ongoing maintenance costs of this, she works a junior/mid level marketing role.)

Her MIL is only in her early 60s, recently retired from a “big job” and has re-married. I have tried to gently point out that mother in law could sell her lovely country home and travel with new husband (bye bye a lot of money) and then in later years need care providing for if she becomes ill. It’s not to say that my friend and her DH won’t get something but if this ladies net worth between cash and assets is at best, £1.5 million, (house £700K max) I personally don’t think it’s a huge amount now she’s retired and may need later care. Yes, her and husband may get £500-750K if they’re lucky, but even then, it’s 20 years from now when they’re in their 50s themselves?

I am as astonished as you how many seem to rely on that coming. My DH parents have about £100K shares, £200K in investment savings, a £500K house, decent pensions paying out and are only in their early/mid-60s. When we met 8 years ago, I pointed out to my DH his gran lived until she was 93 and that his dads mum needed a LOT of care before she died (all free, his parents wouldn’t be) so we need to push ourselves rather than wait until we’re in our 50s/60s for a windfall that might never come!

No-one should bank on inheritance. That would be insane.
i am in my 50s, and there’s no DPs left now on either mine or DH’s side, but I have a few friends whose parents are both still alive and/or the will is going to be v complicated when they do die.

Best just to save what you can if possible, live within your means and any inheritance is a bonus.
We will be in a reasonable financial position once we retire and would prefer to gift some assets to DC while we’re still alive rather than they be fully liable for inheritance tax.
My MIL had care costs at the end of her life, about 6-weeks worth of a live-in carer. She could afford it, but I also see some friends having to pay for their DPs’ care and their DP is bedbound and basically a shell. It’s a terrible situation.

It is a long post but it’s well written and I understand the OPs point very well.

I agree with you OP. My parents are wealthy but not in great health in their early 80s. Even if they don’t need residential care we will have to pay so much inheritance tax there will hardly be anything left once split between my sibling and me.

I don’t rely on it and I’m so grateful for the gifts and support they’ve given me over the years - private school, funded uni, lived at home after to save, wedding costs, helped with house deposit, paid for lots of family holidays and dinners, provided endless childcare for my DC, helped with school fees, lived with them when renovating my house, the list is endless. I’m glad they will be able to fund good care if they need it and I have no expectation of any more funds. My sibling and I are high earners and hope to provide the same support to our DC.