With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

I agree completely, but I am not sure how far this would go towards improving care. Would it not mainly shift the bill?

Absolutely agree. My elderly parents scrimp and save so my brother who made some poor financial decisions will be have a roof over his head when he’s too old/disabled to work anymore. Kills me but nothing I can do about it. I’ve already told them I don’t want them to leave me anything.

I don’t understand why dementia is not covered by the state. (Of course that’s a hell of a bill to foot..) it’s a terminal illness and should be treated as such imo

Unbelievable. Fck them, frankly.

Your FIL is lucky to have you

It is a huge relief, but it hasn’t been easy for them.

They are in my home country, and they relocated to our childhood area - we had moved when I was in high school. DSis and other family are in the original area.

The arrangement is lovely, but the DPs left behind a network of close friendships that were 40 years in the making. They are too old and frail, partly with mild dementia, to make new friends easily. That’s difficult for DM especially, who left behind a sustaining network of wonderful women.

Looking back, it is difficult to know whether the DPs should perhaps have tried to age in place with live in help - for about the same cost, I imagine, and they could afford to spend more - or to have moved earlier, when better able to establish friendships.

I know they are very lucky overall but this is a bit difficult to watch.

By "comparable cost to care homes", do you mean the cost of the actual care itself, excluding the accommodation costs that are included in care home prices? Even if you are, I honestly don't see how that can compare to the cost of a full team on site round the clock... and I don't think many people have live in full time carers at home (excluding able bodied parthers as you seem to be doing).

Asset stripping the elderly does turn a good profit.

https://neweconomics.org/2025/11/private-equity-firms-taking-millions-in-profits-from-care-sector-each-year-new-analysis-reveals

I agree, OP. I'm under no illusions I may not recieve much/any inheritance from my widowed Dad if he needs to pay for care I cannot provide.
My friend, 46, single and no children has spent his adult life planning his future on the inheritance he expects from his parents. He actively uses the figures when taking about his retirement/financial plans etc.
I have tried over the years to explain he may not get much/any at all (his parents are not well off and he has two siblings), however he will then say he will provide any/all care necessary to prevent them needing a care home, to preserve his inheritance.
I don't think he understands how difficult/impossible this may be, depending on their care needs, whilst trying to gold down a full time job.

And an equal if not larger number end up with care at home at a comparable cost to care homes. As for the rest - quite often the more able-bodied partner ends up as the de facto carer for the other at great cost to their health and state of mind.

How much would it cost to stay in a fairly basic hotel single room full board, washing done - at least £750 per week plus there is the personal care 24/7.
Not far less than a care home.
Live in carer (will need two plus a spare to cover holidays and sickness) £35000 each pa.

I've always assumed my parents money would likely go on their care and be very little inheritance which is fine with me as in my mind it's there money. Though I can see how many are way more reliant on recieving parental gifts/inheritance money to buy a home than my cohort were especially as renting is very expensive for less security/quality than it used to be 30+yrs ago.

I'm very glad there is savings so they have choices and not what social decides is bare minimum necessary given the state that's in. I think what's scary is what seems like a lot for savings & property value really doesn't go that far in care home fees and is a chance they may run out. I'm not sure how as family you'd afford the top up fees many have homes have when the savings run out, presumably there's not loads of cheap ones that are fully covered by social.

Totally agree. After 4 years in dementia care, my Dad's money had dwindled to the 20ish k (I forget the exact figure) the government allow you to be left with. My brother had clearly been banking on an inheritance and hasn't spoken to my Mum or I since finding out there was pretty much nothing left. Dad's money was only ever spent on his care. His flat was sold to pay for it. His savings and pension went on it. Not what my brother thought was going to happen, but he's clearly furious at the outcome.

I don't know if it's accurate to say that the people who discuss inheritance specifically bank on it. Emotions can get heightened around any 'proposed' scenario, whether it comes to pass or not – weddings, jobs, parenting styles, etc etc ...

I'm sure for the majority of people, if their parents need to spend the money instead of pass it on, then it will be accepted and everyone will move on with their lives.

P.S I think about inheritance money sometimes and what I'd do with it AND am also grateful that my mum has a substantial pot to afford care if she needs it – both can be true at once.

This is not about inheritance for me , I never had anything to inherit personally it’s about actually letting people go with some degree of dignity

Exactly - I know of someone in their 90s and they are talking about operating on them. At age 92!! this is a person with multiple health issues and poor quality of life. I am not even sure how they would survive the anaesthetic at that age in their health. It's just wrong.

A family member was very organised about this and downsized in their early 70’s in London to the coast (did have a child living nearby). Bought a cheap sheltered flat and freed up £750k of equity. Gave £150k to each of their three children once the flat had been bought which really helped them and their kids. Left around £300k to pay for care of which around £100k was used on top of their pension income (care at home that increased as they became bedbound). Died 8 years later. No tax to pay on the inheritance as it was under the threshold. Everyone benefited and it feels like a sensible approach to me.

Your thoughts are understandable. Sending you strength. My mother died in her care home with dementia aged 93. She’d been there three years. She was found unresponsive one morning and diagnosed with pneumonia, we were given the option of hospitalising and treating her but we declined. She passed away peacefully later that day. Sibling and I both with her. It was the right decision. It was as though she herself had decided it was time to go.

Also, I have done everything I can to reduce my risk of being kept alive with no quality of life once I've lost capacity. I really don't want my £ being spent extending a pointless life (and a good care home will definitely improve your life expectancy).

Thank you for this important thread, OP.

In my relatively good area, council funded care is pretty grim. I think people are in denial about this, and that is a big part of the problem.

I am very glad my own DPs are spending down my inheritance in a lovely retirement community with escalating levels of care.

About 15% of individuals end up in care homes.

I don't bank on inheritance at all, but with at least two childless aunts/uncles plus parents all suggesting inheritances, the odds are that I'll receive a significant one.

As I said, I don't bank on it - but I do acknowledge the likely privilege.

It's a huge problem and going to get worse . I ended up looking after an very elderly relative that was very vulnerable. Even when it was hard I couldn't bear to put them in a home unnecessarily. It lasted five years . He did leave me his house which I wasn't expecting and it was a lifeline to me . Well , the relatives came out of the wood work annoyed it wasn't left between them . But where were they on a daily basis for five years ? Irregular visits and no constructive help . If I did request it I got complaints so I just paid for it myself .
Ironically if he had gone into care there would be nothing at all left after five years . I was just so happy that he died peacefully in my home . No thought of money as he was a person I knew and loved . Not a money pot .