With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

One option if you can find one is a private nurse either live in or part time.

Cheaper than a care home often.

I am going to throw something else in here too. Both parents lived to 89 and 91. One in a care home for 4 years.

We pride ourselves in the UK on throwing everything medical at older people.My Father in the end was in an awful state. Not able to walk,incontinent, unable to wash himself and suffered from numerous infections. Had Covid twice and was hospitalised numerous times. He and (my Mum) were ready to go many years before. They didnt want to end up like this and my Father in particular would be roaring with rage.

For the people who say they dont want to be a burden and will kill themselves rather than be a burden on their children. It doesnt happen. You lose sense of reality and become more and more dependant on your children. If I could also say you become very selfish and self absorbed. You just cannot help yourself.

The whole thing in the UK is a shitshow. It was only at the very end of Mum's life that someone from the GP surgery called me and had a frank discussion about not doing any further medical interventions. No more medicating to hell. Make her comfortable and in no pain. But we are no where near this.

THE CARE HOME INDUSTRY NEEDS A REVIEW. THE NHS OPTIONS ARE HORRIBLE. MUM HAD A FEW AND VERY BADLY RUN THEY WERE TOO. MY FATHER IN THE END PAID NEARLY £450K FOR HIS CARE.

yes that is how it works- on credit.

It's too late now probably but your parents could have named you and other siblings as tenants in common meaning no house sale can be forced when your dad is left.

My pils will need care.
They are both mid 80s, one has parkinsons and is very frail now.
One has relatives who all lived into their 90s (admittedly in poor health) so I imagine they will go the same way.
Dh and bil will do everything to keep them at home as long as possible - but I won't be involved....they can give up their lives if they want. I did 13 years and it has had a terrible impact on my own physical and mh.
Family usually have no concept of what elderly care involves tbh.
It's not granny sitting quietly in the corner, smiling at everyone benevolently...its sundowning, smearing faeces, incontinence, aggression, 20 hour a&e waits...those family members who say they will take a parent in usually don't last long in their caring roles ime.

The latter.

CVD was the chief reason for death before, now it's managed with surgery and drugs so dementia has taken top place of causes of death.

With recent research showing that several vaccines reduce the impact of dementia, it is possible that we will start to see a reduction of cases as vaccination is pushed out more widely to at risk groups. So this may be less of an issue as the vaccinated generations start to reach the ages where dementia risk increases....

Your parents can put their house ownership into a Tenants in Common with their children as owners too.

This means when there is only one parent left alive the house cannot be sold to fund a care home as it also belongs to their children.

Also, it's worth knowing that only around 3% of elderly people go into a care home. And the average time is 2 years.

To give the other side, none of my family have gone into a care home so far.
My uncles and great uncles lived to their late 90s, at home, dying in hospital after a few days.

My parents are not wealthy and could not afford a care home for more than a few months. Very limited savings. After that the state pays but the choice of care homes is limited.

The issue is that many older people are being kept alive by drugs, but are often immobile and have chronic illnesses, when they would otherwise have died 10 or more years earlier.

Care home costs all in including accommodation vs care at home + house upkeep, utilities etc.

Once you need a certain level of care, care homes are cheaper, it doesn’t need to be FT care.

Is dementia on the increase, or are people just living longer and therefore more likely to develop it?

Also, I dont know anyone who thinks about how much inheritance they will receive (unless it's relevant because a close relative has just died and the will is being read).

This is not going to happen, though, having the capacity to consent and being at the end stage of life is how assisted dying is going to proceed. Dementia means living a long time, and often in declining or no capacity, so it's very unlikely these cases will meet any criteria. There was a case of someone who agreed to it, in another country, when well but when they had dementia, did not want to die and they had to be held down and injected. I'm not sure that's where we want to head, although I also feel I wouldn't want to live under those circumstances.

Love this ^ 💙

Yes, I do agree that we do try to prolong life far too long when people do not have any quality of life. Personally, if I have Alzheimer’s, I would rather go. I just don’t think that we can carry on like this but the current generation of people in their 90s went through war time rationing so maybe the next generations won’t live so long as so many people seem to be overweight these days.
I believe, in Germany, people have started sending their elderly relatives abroad for care to countries like Thailand where there is more of a culture of caring.

Dementia is frequently funded under CHC - so not costs.

My friend’s parents estate is currently dwindling at a rate of over £200k per year, both of them are in dementia care homes, both otherwise physically healthy but absolutely away with the fairies with no idea who anyone is. Both unhappy.

I feel quite strongly that some cases of dementia should be eligible for assisted suicide (and not because of money, because of the sheer indignity that advanced dementia can bring) having watched my own relative become a shell of their former self, weighing 5 stone and in nappies after years of suffering. They would certainly not have wanted that, and it’s true that we’d be vilified for keeping a pet alive in that state.

I've just had to navigate this with my DPs. Mum in v early stages of dementia and Dad a very fit and healthy 92. Then dad fell over putting the bins out, now unable to walk and they are both in a care home - really good care but Dad was shocked at how much it is costing and complaining that the GC will inherit nothing. Given the bulk was going to my brother's family (and he is doing nothing to help) I can't say I'm that devastated at the loss of inheritance.

@EndlessSeaViews you ha e painted a picture of complex clinical need. Have you applied for continuing NHS care for your parents.

That's why powers of attorney are a good idea- if you have people around you who you can thoroughly trust of course.

It's still only a low percentage of people who actually need long term care in a home with dementia.

It's not, on the face of it, a terrible thing to do. The obvious answer to "don't want to pay for my parents' care" is "well provide it yourself then" and that's where, for obvious reasons, many people stall.

Of course, it often isn't possible when everyone involved works, has dependent children, not enough space, doesn't live nearby, care needs are too high or too specific and so on. Sometimes it is possible and even if the reasons for doing it are selfish, it's arguably also selfish to use a care home to spare yourself the burden of care if you don't have to.

The issue here appears to be that it wouldn't be what your FIL wants, and that's very important. There's also the question (and I'm not speculating, just raising it as something to consider) about how well cared for he would be.

I agree with you entirely OP.

I am a widow and according to most people, my main concern should be to make sure no-one else ever gets any of my money accumulated with my husband, and that the entire pot (such as it was as he died late forties) is somehow held in perpetuity til I die and then goes to them.

Luckily I know my husband wanted me to live a life after his death! I've got 40 or 50 years of living to do, and that might include moving somewhere else, spending it all on cruises, having holidays, marrying someone else and buying a new home, in fact, I hope it does include all those things as those are living the life I've been given. I am the lucky one, and my husband absolutely would want me to spend every penny not just on my life, but also on my care and the care of anyone else (including new husband if I have one) in my family at that time.

I am very generous with money, I want to help my children with treats, fees and deposits. I'm also lucky they inherited money themselves. But I'm not going to live a strange life of 'keeping their inheritance' for the next 40 years if that doesn't work for me, because I'm a person too with their own life to livee!

I'm also lucky my children feel the same and have told me to move house, and to marry, and that they will care for me in old age (financially).

I find this idea you start planning what to spend an inheritance on in your forties and fifties totally bizarre, and I've told my mum to spend every single penny she has on good care, adaptations to her house, and if and when the time comes, the best care home. Same for my dad. I don't want anything left, I want them to have the best lives and the most comfortable end of lives (having seen how hard it is even if you have that) and inheritance is just not in there, apart from making sensible arrangements just in case there's anything left.

My parents are absolutely determined not to go into a home - not especially because of the money more because they don't want to end their lives that way

People always say this, or they say "I will end my own life before I get that bad".

It never happens though because once you start to cognitively decline you are unable to think logically and dont have the capacity to make that decision anyway. I get why people say it, noone wants to think their life will end that way, but it's not realistic to say you wont ever go into a home. By that point you probably wont have any choice.

Because, as you say, it's a hell of a bill to foot.

If your mum requires care/nursing home and your dad is still alive, there are other options. Joint assets such as the home are not taken into financial consideration when determining whether the cost of a nursing home will be covered or self funded

My parents are absolutely determined not to go into a home - not especially because of the money more because they don't want to end their lives that way. NOT BECAUSE OF INHERITANCE, but I do think it's insane that they can't be sure they'll avoid it. My grandfather was kept alive in a home for years and you would be in trouble with the RSPCA if you'd kept an animal alive in the state he was in (It was a good home, and that wasn't the problem, he was just in a desperate state). I watch my kids' schools in freefall because of the lack of money - and the mad mad cost of eg my aunt whose care is entirely covered by the council because she's run out of money - and I can't see how current state of affairs continues tbh.