To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

Thanks everyone , all the posts have been very useful and given me a lot to think about. Indeed it is a fact that DS must leave for uni in 2 years and needs more life skills esp cooking and cleaning up.

Day 1 post OP ,

DH up and about doing work deliverable in the morning then he went to mow front lawn. Asked DS to the back garden

I toasted scones and eggs for them and they came into have that for breakfast. With fruit. DH made the teas for everyone.

DH went to do the weekly shop with a list. DS studying here at kitchen island , I am making aubergine dal and rice with roast plaintain. DS had kiwi fruit for snack that he cut up some for me too.

Any improvement re above? not really? Will leave evening tea /supper cooking to DH tonight (or tomorrow's cooking to him if we have leftovers from lunch for this evening) and report back tomorrow. No one has talked about or done any cleaning ! , but I did do a small dish wash load in the morning. Will ask them to do one room hoovering each when I catch DH free and DS after revision

She does the cooking in the evening too. Her DH cooks once every ten days or so and has to be reminded to do it. She does the cleaning too by the sounds of it

Any improvement? Well, I don’t know. Do you want to stop making breakfast and lunch for everyone? If so, then you haven’t made any changes to achieve that goal. OTOH there seems to be a fairly equal distribution of labour (you cooked and washed up, your DH mowed part of the lawn and went to the supermarket, your DS helped with mowing). Your DH may have done more work TBH. Not that every day has to involve a scrupulous 50/50 equality of housework.

How do you feel about today?

It's definitely time for a family wide conversation about chores. You both work full time and you have teenage kids. It's time to put everything on the table. This is not your sole burden to carry.

YANBU

Thanks everyone , all the posts have been very useful and given me a lot to think about. Indeed it is a fact that DS must leave for uni in 2 years and needs more life skills esp cooking and cleaning up.

Day 1 post OP ,

DH up and about doing work deliverable in the morning then he went to mow front lawn. Asked DS to the back garden

I toasted scones and eggs for them and they came into have that for breakfast. With fruit. DH made the teas for everyone.

DH went to do the weekly shop with a list. DS studying here at kitchen island , I am making aubergine dal and rice with roast plaintain. DS had kiwi fruit for snack that he cut up some for me too.

Any improvement re above? not really? Will leave evening tea /supper cooking to DH tonight (or tomorrow's cooking to him if we have leftovers from lunch for this evening) and report back tomorrow. No one has talked about or done any cleaning ! , but I did do a small dish wash load in the morning. Will ask them to do one room hoovering each when I catch DH free and DS after revision

What do I do when my son asks with disappointment 'oh mum, no chicken curry and rice for lunch?' Just a sandwich?'

Sometimes Mumsnet just isn't the place to post. This woman is clearly exhausted and utterly fed up. It's not about how much extra time & effort it would have taken. It was the straw that broke her. The lack of basic emotional intelligence and compassion on this platform makes me despair at times.

He (husband) was doing all the chicken and fish dishes once or twice a week but I think it went down to once a week from twice then once in ten days , then now needs reminding /gentle nag or nudges

Have lots of little lie downs. Lots and lots of them. Every time someone asks you to do something, lie down instead.

Thanks everyone , all the posts have been very useful and given me a lot to think about. Indeed it is a fact that DS must leave for uni in 2 years and needs more life skills esp cooking and cleaning up.

Day 1 post OP ,

DH up and about doing work deliverable in the morning then he went to mow front lawn. Asked DS to the back garden

I toasted scones and eggs for them and they came into have that for breakfast. With fruit. DH made the teas for everyone.

DH went to do the weekly shop with a list. DS studying here at kitchen island , I am making aubergine dal and rice with roast plaintain. DS had kiwi fruit for snack that he cut up some for me too.

Any improvement re above? not really? Will leave evening tea /supper cooking to DH tonight (or tomorrow's cooking to him if we have leftovers from lunch for this evening) and report back tomorrow. No one has talked about or done any cleaning ! , but I did do a small dish wash load in the morning. Will ask them to do one room hoovering each when I catch DH free and DS after revision

Thats what I will do for tonight if husband bails

Thanks everyone , all the posts have been very useful and given me a lot to think about. Indeed it is a fact that DS must leave for uni in 2 years and needs more life skills esp cooking and cleaning up.

Day 1 post OP ,

DH up and about doing work deliverable in the morning then he went to mow front lawn. Asked DS to the back garden

I toasted scones and eggs for them and they came into have that for breakfast. With fruit. DH made the teas for everyone.

DH went to do the weekly shop with a list. DS studying here at kitchen island , I am making aubergine dal and rice with roast plaintain. DS had kiwi fruit for snack that he cut up some for me too.

Any improvement re above? not really? Will leave evening tea /supper cooking to DH tonight (or tomorrow's cooking to him if we have leftovers from lunch for this evening) and report back tomorrow. No one has talked about or done any cleaning ! , but I did do a small dish wash load in the morning. Will ask them to do one room hoovering each when I catch DH free and DS after revision

You are cooking the toast and eggs for yourself anyway it would take 2 seconds to pop 2 more pieces of toast in the toaster and 2 extra eggs in a pan
Its not like they take hours to cook its literally minutes and you are doing it anyway
Very petty, there must be ALOT more to this

There is also a missing piece of the puzzle in that South Asian multi-generational living often traditionally features a mother or MIL, who has completed her own child raising relatively young and then has charge of the domestic domain.

It may be traditional for women to do all the work, but that doesn't make it right.

Particularly when this is not a traditional multigenerational household with a mother in law to do yell at her daughter in law to do all the work.

Yes. A sharp knife is much safer to use than a blunt one, it’s less likely to skid, and I was there to ensure she used it safely. Ditto when she started cooking. I don’t think she’s ever actually cut herself or burnt herself (unlike me 😂).

How did you learn to cook and to look after yourself? I was expected to make a pasta sauce once a week from the age of about thirteen, and I always helped in the kitchen (both my parents cooked, my dad was the better cook IMO) so picked up bits and pieces of knowledge an also interest so as I got older I wanted to try different recipes and feed the family. I also had to do housework, ironing, and keep my own room clean and tidy. As a student, it was clear who still thought that fairies came to do the cleaning- they got pretty short shrift from the others- and also who didn’t know how to make tasty (and safe!) food.

You are cooking the toast and eggs for yourself anyway it would take 2 seconds to pop 2 more pieces of toast in the toaster and 2 extra eggs in a pan
Its not like they take hours to cook its literally minutes and you are doing it anyway
Very petty, there must be ALOT more to this

Okay so at 11ish , DH was recovered from sulk and conversing again, I said 'for lunch today no cooking work, 'we' shall sort sandwiches made of avacado, spinach leaves, hummus, green chilli, and tomato' 5 mins and sorted.

He said we will get so bloated from the bread, we are less bloaty on rice and dal and veg stir fy with it. Then he said Oh we can have the thai green curry from Coop thats in the fridge we just need to jasmine rice to go with it'

I then got into calls all the way till 1pm - DS came home at 12 after the morning exam - he was in his room till my call was done - H did neither sandwich nor warming up the thai ready to eat and steaming rice , nada - I made myself and DS the aforementioned sandwich and brought mine back to my desk to eat.

Takeout for dinner tonight, peri peri chicken ..... I feel so tired all the time, have asked work to go down to 3.5 days a week from 5, we will struggle with money but it will be worth it

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with having a hot meal at lunch time and something lighter later, as it probably matches when you are most active and so is better for your metabolism. Not entirely compatible with home working, but there are ways it can be managed. Perhaps a slow cooker would help? @OneThingAfterTheOther

I think that many people are significantly underestimating South Asian cultural factors on this thread.

There is a huge emphasis on hot food in South Asian cultures. If you visit someone’s house, it is totally normal to be offered hot savoury snacks such as samosas or pakoras. These would be cooked from scratch, generally by the women of the household.

In the Sikh temple the langar (communal kitchen, generally staffed by unpaid women!) cooks hot meals for most of the day and evening. Think vast vats of rice or dhal, plus hot savoury snacks.

There is also the tiffin or hot lunch system in Mumbai, whereby hot lunches are made from home (again by wives or mothers!) and then delivered to workplaces. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/17/tiffin-the-history-of-indias-lunch-in-a-box-mumbai

There is also a missing piece of the puzzle in that South Asian multi-generational living often traditionally features a mother or MIL, who has completed her own child raising relatively young and then has charge of the domestic domain.

So it would be interesting to know what the domestic patterns were in the DH’s home life, although I can pretty much guess.

But he is in a modern marriage to a working woman, so needs to temper his expectations to what is realistic.

Turning to her son, some of the language used about a sixteen year old boy has been pretty nasty. Yes he needs to gain some skills in this area (perhaps he is good in other areas?) but he is only responding to how he has been raised (as we all do) and I don’t think the OP has anywhere described him as lazy, entitled or badly behaved? I am not sure that he has done much wrong, apart from be a bit behind the curve in one specific area. Some of the curt or dismissive responses are pretty unnecessary.

Nor is he destined for an adulthood of being unable to cook and hated by his peers. I was raised with very little experience of cooking meals (I grew up in a home that was tightly controlled by one of my parents) and just learned to cook when I went into university self-catering accommodation. The first night I got there, I cooked something to eat. It’s not difficult and you don’t need years of training. Yes, there were a few mistakes along the way but I didn’t poison myself or anyone else and it really wasn’t a problem. Lack of money to buy something to cook was more of an issue!

Agreed, now is not the best time for changes, regardless of what happens in other households. But learning to cook would be a nice project for after exams.

What do I do when my son asks with disappointment 'oh mum, no chicken curry and rice for lunch?' Just a sandwich?'