To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

What did DH say in your passive aggressive tiff about chores?

What (reason) excuse does he give for not doing any?

Why did he go off in a hurt righteous huff?

And why in God's name do you think you "might as well hoover"?!
So many fun things you could have done with your evening!

You are actually training your DH to argue about chores, go off in a huff, and then you'll reward him by doing the chores yourself.

You have been given so much good advice on this thread but you clearly would rather be a martyr.

The answer isnt to drop some of your hours so that you can cook and clean for your two LAM forever. (Because one day your DH will retire from his job, but you won't. Ever).

Your son will grow up to be a lazy entitled man like his father.

It's really very frustrating.

Do you both work full time currently?

If DS is 16 I wouldn't be looking to reduce hours.

Get a cleaner to lighten the load rather than reduce your earning capacity.

Keep making them pull their weight. And get your health checked at the GP. You probably have low iron or something.

kindly that is not going to help. You will still be tied to an untrained son and a manbaby husband

Yes you could have picked your battles and just made him an egg, but you were overwhelmed and the issue is that he sulked about it / used it to get out of further chores. Assuming you don’t snap at him very often that should have been an alarm bell that you were feeling overwhelmed / tired / at the end of your tether, so he could have chosen to react with kindness and understanding (a simple “ok no problem” in the moment and then a talk about it later, when you could have apologised for snapping but explained why) rather than using it as a tool against you

Your employer is highly unlikely to agree you working 3.5 days a week.

And it’s insane to a) drop a decent portion of your salary to basically skivvy after two lazy men and b) to take the hit on pension and career progression when your son will be moving out soon enough.

Why are you so resistant to demanding your DH step up? He has zero excuse. He’s not studying, he has all the body tasks required to learn and do things. If he took a fair share of the load off you, your life and energy would improve no end.

Very gently. Don't hoover. Your husband has two hands. He can cook and clean. He just doesn't want to. The more you do the less he will ever do

You're being asked to do too much and your husband isn't taking enough share of the load. Sure you know that

If you make yourself chief cook and bottle washer, then they will expect you to continue. Just tell the family that enough is enough and they have to shift for themselves. Cook one meal a day and stick to your guns. Sons and daughters need to be shown that women today are not skivvies.

expecting the 16yo to be able to cook for himself in no way excuses the husband. He should be modelling better behaviour.

A 16 year old, a near adult studying for exams, is expected to be cooking meals regularly for themselves , while their father , the man child who needs explaining about sharing the load , needs lists, and gold medal every time he does a school run, does exactly what?

Why women?
It is parents.
Sharing the load equally , including meal prep.

Coming back to the OP, it is her DH who needs to step up, not DC.
DC will learn million times better, and sooner, by seeing the respect their father shows to their mum, by sharing the load and not treating the household chores and children rearing like it is ‘her job to do it.’
This is on him, as usual .
Do not make your DC stepping up to make up for the weaponised incompetence of DH.

laughing at 1950's wives didn't work. My Mum was a 1950's wife and she definitely went out to work as did all the mums of all my friends. We learned to make sandwiches and so on and as we got older, to use a cooker and knives safely. The cooker in question was a gas one that had to be lit with matches and had no modern safety features so not appropriate for younger children. By 15/16 we could safely be left home alone. During exam time, my school didn't want the exam years there unless we actually had examinations so we went on study leave. My parents were both at work so I spent the day alone, sorted my own meals and scheduled my own revision. Honestly OP. WAKE UP

Don't use the word 'nag', not even in your own head.

Nagging is a horribly sexist term that men say to women as a put-down.

My kids have been making their own breakfast and lunch since they were teenagers, yes. We have an air fryer, which makes it even easier. There's almost always easy food for them to make. Even if it's just toast. But I'll ask them when I do the grocery order if there's anything in particular they want. They all eat different things and I'm not making multiple lunches!

If I'm making myself a cooked breakfast or lunch, I'll offer to make it for everyone/whoever is around.

As for tea/coffee/hot chocolate, it's generally the case that they make it for me, not the other way around!

This ☝️ 💯 is spot on 👏

@OneThingAfterTheOther

@SummerBoatingHouse

this!! Sounds like romanticising women being domestic servants and young adults being infantilised

suggesting that a 16yo, an almost adult, should be able to cook basic meals is in no shape or form mad rush to early independence.

@OneThingAfterTheOther forget gentle nudges!!
You need to be much more proactive.

See my previous post -
share out cooking days (3 you, 3 DH, 1 DS). Cook cleans up after themself, DS does dishes.
Share out cleaning - you do bathroom, DH does kitchen, DS does some vacuuming. Everyone changes their own bed, and launders their bedding. Etc etc...

Get a family planner calendar, write it on that, then no-one can say they didn't know, or they forgot.

If DH cba to make dinner on one of his nights, leave HIM to sort out an alternative eg HE chucks a pizza in the oven, or HE orders a takeaway.
Don't let him get away with not taking his turn and doing his fair share.

You started this thread because you were so exhausted and fed up with doing everything.
Your two lazy Asian men (your words) won't step up unless YOU make them.

For me, food is love.
That is how it was when I was growing up, that is how it is in our home now.
At 16 , they are still pretty much children.
I do not understand, nor practise , this mad rush for early independence, at any age.
They grow too fast as it is.
And - they’ll learn. There’s a whole life ahead of them, there’s time.

In addition to that, it seems children are likely to learn faster when they see the pleasure the preparation/cooking of the meals for them gives us.

We do it when we’re tired, overwhelmed, don’t feel like it, snappy, exhausted. We do it even when they are 16.
There’s some beauty in it , in the commitment we make to our DC when it comes to something so essential to life as food is.

Oh, and also OP… chicken goujons are a meal, not a snack.

@SummerBoatingHouse

do you not worry about how your kids will manage to cook food for themselves when they move out if they are used to you doing it all?

I don’t even t regularly make lunch for my 12 year old! In all fairness we’re not a “lunch “ family on weekends - usually a late breakfast then dinner - but in the holidays for eg I always have things he can grab if hungry ( sausage rolls , cold meats , fruit , etc ) I will offer if I am having lunch or if he’s had an early / small breakfast - but it will be a sandwich , toastie , soup - something quick and easy . If he doesn’t want it he is more than capable of grabbing something or making himself a sandwich. So I would think yours being 16 , it’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to do his own. I wouldn’t do evening snacks either - again, there is food here if he wants some. Sounds like you ( or others ) are making a lot of extra work for yourself

I'm sorry but it sounds like you need to go back to the pre-covid routine 💯

My DH sorts our 6 year old DS breakfast (DS6 usually helps and is supervised to use the toaster) and I do school drop off.
DH picks up DS from school, and I cook tea on weekdays. 🥘

On the weekend DH will sort breakfast and lunch and our takeaway on Saturday.
My BIL usually cooks our Sunday roast (we are very blessed as he lives in the same street) and if I wash the dishes, DH will dry and put them away.
We are a team. 💕

My DS6 can separate the laundry into piles (whites/brights/darks) and knows how to load it and turn it on (all supervised), as well as helping to make the bed, tidy up and chopping stuff for our evening meal and set the table.
Your son needs to do a bit more especially as he will be going to uni etc.
He will need life skills for independence.

If you DH is ND, would a visual aid help?
We have a wipeable (weekly family) board in the kitchen, and it has our meals and activities on there for all to see. That way we know who is going what/going where/cooking.
If you go part time, what if DH cook 2 nights, DS cook one night and you cook 3 nights, with a takeaway on another night?
All positive ideas, it's entirely up to you, but you need to change the current set up 💯

@OneThingAfterTheOther