Snapchat and tiktok

I would give him them but time limited. My girls have them because all their friends do and they’d just be the left out weirdie kids otherwise. They remain well-balanced, intelligent and articulate.

I was the child whose dad wouldn’t let them
make calls on the family landline back in the day. It caused so much stress and resentment, I’d be left out of social arrangements and I was in my 30s before I began making social arrangements for myself because I’d never had that as an option. I know my dad was doing what he thought was best but it was totally unreasonable and really affected me.

Agree he should be allowed Snapchat as that is how they all communicate now. I detest tiktok but my kids do have it again so they aren't left out. I limit it to an hour a day though and they aren't allowed to create their own videos. I find the stuff they get fed by the algorithm absolutely vile. My son showed me a video where a woman was describing having 'stuck a chicken drumstick in her pussy, not to masturbate or anything, just to see what is was like' and how she would 'fuck a subscriber'. I was repulsed. This is the kind of shit that's readily available and comes up on their shorts. I do think the government should ban it for under 16s to take the decision away from the parents. Lets be honest, we all agree it's trash but we don't want our child to be the weirdo that doesn’t have it.

We gave in on allowing Snapchat at 13 but held firm on Tiktok.

He's now almost 16 and isn't bothered by not having Tiktok.

Our DD at uni doesn't have it either. I think they are both quite proud that they are not addicted to it.

I don't like Snapchat, but yeah, it was the lesser of two evils.

Can only speak from my experience, but not having Snapchat would have been very isolating socially for my DDs. Their entire social life runs on it

My daughter is 13 and I have asked her (after 13) if she wanted any social media but she said everything she’s seen on it is garbage and she doesn’t want any of it in her life. So it’s WhatsApp and the internet for her by choice.

But she’s autistic and pretty quirky so doesn’t care what ‘everyone’ is doing. If she did and she asked for it, id have let her at this point - she brings me stuff when she doesn’t know what to do, and tells me things about what happens at school so I would look at this in the same way.

In your situation I would have some ground rules - the child setting seems helpful, handing over his phone on request for you to see what he’s up to (not reading messages, just flicking through), an open and frank conversation about blackmail and consent and eating disorders and suicide and whatever else I’m forgetting now and then maybe for the summer so you have him around more for a couple of months.

(A friend of a friend lost their 16 year old to suicide after being blackmailed on Snapchat so I remind my kids regularly that they can come to me with any mistake or anything scary and I’ll do anything to fix it)

As PP have said, Snapchat and TikTok are teens’ primary sources of communication and topics of conversation these days. My teens are older, but had these apps at 13 as did their friends. I checked phones regularly and the conversations were had on how they manage and conduct themselves. Never had or have any problems to this day. I feel so sorry for the children who are made into outliers due to their parents (well meaning) overbearing. Everything is arranged via Snap, teens do not use text, WhatsApp etc, it’s old hat. Children without a means to communicate with their peers will invariably be left out in so many ways, plans, general chat, relationships and friendship building. Please consider this when your battles are erupting, your child isn’t being entitled and demanding, they are telling you that they feel like an outsider.

He says he will get it anyway and when he's 14 it will be entirely up to him anyway.

14 and on snap? Not in my house!

Have you decided @saskia80 ?

I will let my dd have it in year 9, she will be 14 in the autumn term.

I said no op. My 14 year old isn't allowed either and knows if she installs either I will remove her phone. No social media, no exceptions. Family rule.

but parents aren't wholly responsible. It's well known that the creators of the various SM platforms designed it to be addictive and don't let their own kids use it.

I grew up in the 80s/90s on a rough council estate. I was exposed to all kinds of stuff and in terms of sex, we regularly had access to hedge porn. Anyone remember that? I didn't watch violent stuff but other kids did, they found a way. Kids will always find a way to access stuff. It's just easier now. The only way to deal with it is to be the kind of parent who talks to their child and can have a conversation. If you can't, you're failing.

I hope you don't mean me? Me who could be bothered talking to my child, imposing limits and offering guidance. I have always been a safe space for my children. The government has to step in only because parents are lazy either by blanket banning phones/social media/etc/ or just ignoring it altogether.

Parents like the ones on this thread are the reason that the Government will have to ban social media for under 16's.

"No 13 year old should be seeing that!"

Right, but OP can't stop him seeing any of that. She can only stop him accessing it on his own phone. Friends will still be showing him stuff at home, when hanging out. Surely the ideal is, if he does see something upsetting, his parents should be a safe space to talk about it. Whereas as it is, OP will be the last person he will tell, because he knows she will say 'Well you shouldn't have been looking at it,' or 'Well that's another reason why you definitely won't be allowed SC.'

I actually agree that in an ideal world kids shouldn't have access to those types of SM at a young age and if the govt did manage to bring in restrictions, great. But currently, when most kids do have access, to me the disadvantage of being the one left out, to the point it is upsetting him that much, is greater, as that is a consequence that is currently actually happening, rather than a potential that might happen if he gets it.

TBH even if the govt did bring in restrictions, it's likely it might be limited to 13 plus anyway, as that's supposed to be the current age for both SC and TT, so 'government banning it' wouldn't make a difference to OP's issue.

My child is 10 so starting to ask but not the full pressure yet.
The thing is, many children don’t tell their parents everything, regardless of good communication. Their brains are still developing and the stuff they’re seeing and sharing can be horrific!
Things like suicide talk, in some cases videos of suicide, nudes, pornography! No 13 year old should be seeing that! We’ve had Y7s sharing nude photos of themselves!
And I think however good you think the communication is, children can and will hide these things. As the OP has seen the child is hiding getting the app so probably won’t be open with what is shared with them, of course they want it but the truth is it isn’t good for developing brains.

I really hope a ban comes in because that will at least mean there are more kids without it to form their own groups and communicate in different ways.

Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s good for them.

I mean you’re both saying to OP not to wrap him in cotton wool (as she tried to shield him and developing brain from the dangers and addictions of phones and the internet) but also to wrap him in cotton wool (prevent him from being bullied through not having social media). And let’s not forget that bullying is ubiquitous and made far easier through social media. Not saying I know what’s right and wrong here, but there are negative impacts on either side.

I don’t yet have teens (just pre teen, teen and post teen nieces) so am speaking through ignorance but I’d be wanting to protect my child’s developing brain for as long as possible.

"Understanding the worries" doesn't mean avoiding something that could ever cause them harm though. Parents understand there could be potential dangers to everything- walking to school with friends, going on school trips, sleepovers, learning to drive, playing a sport....the answer is not to isolate your child and wrap them in cotton wool until they're 21.

From your wording I assume your child is much younger. I agree with the pp, why would you actively support your child being upset, left out and bullied. OP is damaging his relationship with his peers and with herself - he literally felt forced into hiding the app as a calculator. How is any of this good for him?

I dont get the logic - you thinknthe apps are bad for kids' mental health but crying everyday and being left out and bullied is superior? The apps endanger kids' safety so its better to foster a home environment where your child feels they have to lie and deceive you?

To me, just saying a blanket no is lazy parenting. Rather than making the effort to talk to them about what they see, research ways of restricting time on the apps, enforce turning phone off/handing it over at bedtime, doing spot checks etc you just say no, leaving your child so miserable he cries everyday.

Isn't controlling and cruel part of our job description when dc are teens? 🤣

He's crying everyday? Just let the kid have the app ffs.

I just never had these issues with my boys. I didn't ban apps or anything but did have rules and gave guidance. It worked for me.

He's 13?! Christ. And we wonder why kids aren't adulting when they get to 18. They are babied and controlled to ridiculous levels.

So, why isn't talking to the child about the dangers and supporting them an option? Just a blanket no?

I understand the issues related to it, but I don't agree with blanket bans. I think children and adults need to learn how to live with it. It's not going anywhere.

Controlling and cruel? Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

I’m wondering whether you are OP’s son!
Surely you can understand the worries of children using Snapchat?
I’m a teacher - the problems it causes, not that we find out everything. My child won’t be getting it, I hope the ban comes in!

@potandpams kids don’t use Watsapp. They just don’t-it’s for old people (like me). Kids at 13 without Snapchat will be known as the weird ones and it will affect relationships between friends and future boyfriends/girlfriends. You can’t fight it. Life is different for kids now and they/we need to embrace technology with discussions around safety.

This. This is the safe and clever way to use and monitor his usage.