Would you go to the funeral?

It can be both or either.

I have been to funerals of people where I knew the person who died well, but had never met any of their family or the people most closely affected (eg a colleague).
I have also been - very occasionally - to the funeral of a person who died that I didn't know, but I was very close to their spouse, or mother maybe, in order to support the person I was close to. That is a pretty rare circumstance though. You have to get the balance right and not be an intrusion with people thinking 'who is she and what is she doing here?'. You can support a friend in their loss by being available to them to pour their heart out to you or to give some practical support, perhaps with clearing out the house for example, without traveling to the funeral.

Obviously, mostly, I would only go to the funeral of someone that I knew both the deceased and their close family. But you can't go to funerals of everyone you have ever known, and you have to be practical and realistic about things like travel time and annual leave. Obviously in a lot of jobs (police, teachers, Drs, etc) you can't just 'take leave' for a funeral except a spouse, child, or parent. Then many people with dc don't even have enough leave to cover themselves looking after children in school holidays, let alone days off to travel to funerals of people you had no relationship with.

You don’t go to a funeral because of your relationship with the dead person. You go because of your relationship with the living.

Is the invite for you or for your husband, or both?

If you met the deceased a handful of times and don’t like your husbands sister or her husband why attend? Just because the woman is dead it doesn’t mean you have to pretend that all is fine.

People attend funerals to pay their respects to the deceased and support immediate family of the deceased. You don’t like the immediate family so don’t go and don’t feel guilty about it, we don’t have to like everybody.

What your husband does is entirely up to him.

I have never heard of invitations being required for an ordinary funeral! Royal or State funerals yes, or that of a very famous person, but not for an ordinary person.

Unless I was very fond of my BIL and he needed my support, I wouldn't go. I am, in fact, very fond of both my BILs but neither of them would need my support so I wouldn't (and in fact didn't, in one case) go to their mother's funeral.

He is an adult and can go lf he wants

You're not visiting the dead person. The funeral is for those left behind.

Was the OP's DH's sister particularly close to her MiL? If it's s loss for her it does make sense to have some other family attend. 💐

I understand how funerals, grief and how families work.

In my world, dh's sister will be there to support her dh at his Mum's funeral. It would not be expected that she would need people 'to support her' at the funeral.
Of course, it depends on the relationship.

When my sibling's MiL died, I did go to the funeral. We all lived very locally to each other, she was a lovely, friendly welcoming woman that I had known for 35 years, and probably seen monthly, on average, over all that time. But clearly (although the same relationship in terms of family trees) that was a very different relationship in terms of 'being friends with' or even 'knowing her well' from the relationship the OP's dh has with his sibling's MiL. Also, at the time, I worked PT at work, and my role was fairly flexible in terms of me being able to work when I wanted as long as the job got done, and the funeral was local and by then my dc were grown up and teens so didn't need any arrangements made.

I have another sibling with a MiL and I didn't go to their funeral as I'd only met them 3 times (wedding, Christening and 1st birthday of my dn). They died when our dc were quite small, and the funeral was about 3 hours away and we only had one car between us at the time. It just wouldn't have worked practically, but the key point is, I didn't have a relationship with them so obviously wouldn't travel to the funeral.

No difference in relationships with my siblings, but circumstances were very different.

Your DH's sister needs support from her brother as her husband's mother has died. Why don't you think she should have that support? Do you not understand funerals, grief and how families work?

Bloody hell, the crazies are out tonight.

"Controlling/ allowing/ stopping him" ffs nothing the OP has said suggests anything like that!

Do none of you have conversations where your OH says "What do you think I should do?" when they are in two minds about something? OP giving her opinion is not controlling, its simply answering the question asked!

I wouldn’t expect my dh’s siblings to attend my parents funeral i admit but id be touched if they wanted to, they have only met once and thankfully my parents whilst older are healthy as i type. However my sils dh’s family did come to mils funeral and were a brilliant help, they managed the kitchen, wrangled the grandchildren into serving drinks hot and cold, washed up (village hall situation) meant that the closer family didn’t have to worry.

My mother passed away last week and the funeral was yesterday.

I had friends, colleagues, and family who had never met my mother, ever, but were there to support me (one of which travelled nearly 3 hours each way)

It was very much noticed and appreciated.

He probably should go. A show of support to his sister and her family.

I can see why you would find this frustrating. Your relationship sounds so strained I imagine you feel it’s unlikely that the same thought, support and consideration would be offered to you and yours, so it seems unjust that you need to inconvenience yourselves. It’s not about controlling your husband, it’s about you understanding why he would go to all that effort!

However, in my family it’s deemed of upmost importance to attend funerals to support the living. I’m not saying I agree with it and belting how great thou art out over and over isn’t at the top of my list of ways to spend my days off, it’s just the way it is. Perhaps your DH was brought up the same? I would 100% be at mu SILs parents funeral, without doubt. FWIW, I’m not particularly fond of her.

Im not saying I agree. I’ve been to that many funerals I’ve decided I don’t bloody want one. But then I won’t be here, so just do whatever you want!

👍

I went to my BIL’s MIL’s funeral and I hardly knew her. Met her a few times. I went to support my BIL and his wife, but I suppose the difference is I like them both.

You are being unreasonable to tell him not to go. It’s his choice

I’ll offer a different view. Some people (not suggesting this applies to @MendingWall (or her DH) thrive on being a ‘mourner’ and a bereaved family member can thrive on the whole ‘woe is me’ and wallow in my grief stance.

As I say, I am not suggesting this is the case.

I think the vote, and indeed the comments have been completely thrown by the fact you seem to be suggesting you dictate to your dh whether he goes or not.

If you had simply asked 'would you go?' I suspect the overwhelming majority would have said 'no'.
I would think it quite strange to go to the funeral of someone you've met only 4 times over 20 years, even if it were a local funeral and you were retired / unemployed and had no dc to look after.
Add in the distance and the fact you are working age and have dc who need care and will need looking after when they are sick or on holiday from school, and no, there is no way I would go.
It would be dh's decision if he went, but, in your circumstances my dh wouldn't go, and I wouldn't in the same situation.

So no, I wouldn't go.
No, dh wouldn't go.
But, I wouldn't tell dh he couldn't go.

I thought it was odd when I first read it but actually my mum went to her brothers PIL funeral and I’d go to my sisters PIL funerals if asked to as well.

It’s not the most common occurrence but I don’t think it’s that rare either.

If it’s on a Monday or Friday then DH can stay overnight but obviously if not it will be a long day of driving.

If I was him I would go out of respect but also try and make something in that area so it’s not an entire day wasted.

I think OP, if they are horrible people as you have said and he agrees with this then I’m surprised he is going. Unless he has been told to go by family. If they have been horrible to you then again this changes things.
I agree with what others have said in that funerals are for the living and he may feel duty bound or that he wants to go to represent his side of the family for whatever reason. It is a substantial distance to travel unless you want to or feel compelled to go.

I wasn’t the poster you were responding to, I was making the general comment to you to just say, he doesn’t necessarily dislike them,

Ahh the old 'accuse someone of being triggered when they disagree with you' trick 🙄😂

I was just making a general statement in response to your general statement. I didn’t keep on track with the OPs thread. Sorry for confusion.

She does, indeed say

My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close.

She doesn’t like them, so they don’t have a close relationship. That does not means that her DH doesn’t like them, but because of the situation with OP it’s difficult to have a close relationship.

I was also replying to a PP who stated that if you don’t like someone you wouldn’t go to support them. OP has only stated she doesn’t like them, hence my response.