AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

Yes now they couldn’t

but by the time this all went through - your son could have secured decent employment and want to move out.

Added to which they can stay with their dad too

i wouldn’t prolong this, especially as I doubt even the kids feel particularly happy at home, when you have kids in their early twenties

But surely at these ages they have plans to move out in the nearish future? They work?

If you are close to the kids
and presuming they haven’t had their head in the sand given the still live with you
then they will be acutely aware of the situation. So perhaps they wouldn’t even be surprised by why you tell them

Given that you are close to your children and they weren't being mean to you during that conversation I would probably leave it.

Otherwise I would have said "kids there was a lot more to that argument than me going nuts. H, would you like me to explain to them exactly what happened or should we agree that this isn't something to blame me for and definitely not something to be laughing about?"

It is entirely possible that your children have raised this long-ago fight because they suspect a lot of stuff that they haven't been told and want to hear from you about it.

They are 21 and 23. Any damage from your marriage has already happened to them. I would say it is important to be honest when possible now. Also you don't want to go along pretending everything is la la la happy and then it come as a shock to them that you leave their dad.

Oh sorry. I read They were basically blaming me for making a scene.

that they were blaming you

I bet they are already aware or won’t be shocked. Would your DH throw them out? Surely you can get a place suitable for you, and continue to see them regularly. When I read your first post, I assumed you’d left him.

It’s a shame that you say you are very close to your children but your kids blame you for making a scene in this argument.

Please do not tell your kids about this while you are still there, firstly for your safety and secondly because it will put them in the middle of it all if you are all still living there and that is really, really unfair on them.

Just concentrate on getting out.

You’ve had 15/20 years to leave, your kids are adults, do this for you, stop delaying and wasting the one life you have.
Many many women have left with the shirt on their back rather than wait on ‘economic people getting back to them’ whatever that means.

Are you close with your adult children?

This.

Focus your energy on getting out. There will be plenty opportunities in the future to explain. Bide your time.

Perhaps you could turn the question over to your husband, see what he has to say about why the argument started. Of course he'll deny being the reason for the argument so you could just let it hang without a response.

Do NOT say anything while you are still living with him.

I'm glad you are working with Women's Aid but they will tell you the most dangerous time for an abused woman is during the time they are leaving. You would be stupid to add another layer to the danger. You've kept quiet for twenty years, another one won't hurt you (and might actually save you).

I would tell your adult children. They need yo know what kind of man their father is and what he did to you so they can understand why you want to leave.

Also they might have kids one day and deserve to know that their father can't control his anger and can be physically violent. they need to be aware of this because they might not want their own kids to be left alone with a man like this in the future...

Them knowing also mean they can support you with the practicalities if leaving him.

I am very sorry this happened to you but I can’t see what your gain by telling them now. What I see as possibilities is they will either tell your husband and things will get worse or they won’t believe you and you’ll spend too much time and energy trying to convince them. You need to get out, if your goal was staying until the kids grew up they’ve done that now and it’s time. It sounds like there’s plenty they won’t miss from their childhood as your husband and his father sound awful.

if you are still with him don’t say anything to your kids.

focus your strength on leaving.

my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Threads like this make me so glad that my mum had the strength to leave my abusive father when I was eight years old. It was in the 70s in Ireland too, so lots of stigma around single parents. We went from being reasonably affluent (foreign holidays), to being pretty poor for a long time but I am grateful every day that she did it, I would have been a very different person now if she had stayed in an abusive relationship. You really owe it to your kids to get away from this man, even if they are adults now.

You think you are being a decent person by saying nothing but you are only protecting your abuser and reinforcing the message to your kids that you always were in the wrong. You are not doing them a favour here. Tell them the truth. Don't lie, don't exaggerate (which frankly sounds unlikely considering how much you seem to be playing things down anyway). They need to go through life with their eyes open.

And it was on an aeroplane?