AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

If you told them… they’d probably twist it and end up joking around with their dad blaming you

I wouldn’t tell them about the abuse, no. They are probably aware of it and feel conflicted with their feelings about their dad. But they’re not your confidants and you should find other people to confide in about the abuse rather than them. Obviously if they ask you can be honest with them but don’t use them to offload your emotions.

Have you called WA again to see if you can see someone?

If you search on Google you should be able to find out who your local domestic abuse organisation is. Sometimes this isn't WA. If it isn't Women's Aid, then refer yourself to them. They will have a section that works with women who are still stuck in the abusive relationship and they will be able to give you support to safely leave.

If you cannot find the information out, speak to your local council and they will be able to signpost you.

So much back and forth. Sometimes you say they are aware. Sometimes you say they’re not.

These are bone fide adults. They live at home. Of course they see the abuse. And have done all their lives. And the way they laughingly blamed you in front of their abusive dad - was cruel and thoughtless.

I am shocked that your children didn’t think incredibly hurtful and thoughtless that it would be to laughingly blaming you for an argument when you say they are very aware of how awful things are for you. And in front of the abuser no less. Awful behaviour from them.

Way too much focus on your adult kids and them having a “family home”. For a start, your kids are categorically not going to have happy memories of this family home. It contained two parents that despised one another and were profoundly unhappy.

Secondly, to stop them laughingly blaming you for causing a scene whilst their abusive father smiles on, you should say to them that given they know their father - this really doesn’t help and to ask them to not do again.

Thirdly, you need an independent income. Not just for the money, but for the confidence and to fill your time. So in the first instance - I’d be applying for jobs. What industry were you in? Or perhaps for speed - you could just apply to a supermarket or similar for a few shifts.

I wouldn’t tell them until after you have a safe plan to leave and then tell them everything. Leave first though.

I think the other thing that holds me back is that they will not have a "family" home to return to if they needed it.

I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and left it too long to leave as I had nowhere to go...

So you’re holding a safe space for your dc to turn to if they ever need an escape? That’s a lovely thing op.

But demonstrating the courage and wherewithal to leave (and I don’t for a moment underestimate how hard that is), making a new life away from him, is another kind of safe space you can make for your dc. You’ll be a person they’ll know they can turn to in a desperate moment. You’ll be the person that they can trust to understand before they have the courage to leave. You’ll be the person that can guide them to the services that will help even if you can’t physically take them in.

It is understandable to want to give them what you didn’t have. But there are other ways

Leaving will help them see the dysfunction with more clarity. It may help them avoid repeating your mistakes.

Don’t let it overwhelm you. It’s just one step, and another, and another. Don’t think about all you have to do, just do one thing,

You’ve got this @Nightingale222

I don't think now is the right time to tell them. You may be underestimating how hard it would be for them to hear it. Things could really blow up and that's the last thing you need when you're making progress and getting yourself in a position to leave. It could really set you back and it won't be of any benefit to your DC either.

Your entire OP was about your kids blaming you for drama. You have since hugely back tracked.

Either way - if you want to leave… you need to start using your time to plan plan plan

Good luck

Ok so 4 years isn’t so bad. Are you in a fit state now to work? How do you spend your days?

From what he gives you - enough to save a bit?

Both kids at uni… so just you and him most of the time. What’s the atmosphere like? Eat together? Share a bed?

When was the last time you worked? Do you have any income for yourself or disability benefit?

I can’t believe that knowing you are abused and have been do many years - your adult DC blamed you for a causing a scene whilst their abuser dad grinned on the background. That seems so thoughtless of them. Cruel actually. Even if it was “laughingly” blamed you.

you don’t sound stupid. I know you where you are coming from. Don’t listen to women who think it’s easy to just leave or navigate abuse like this as if you enjoy living like this! Some of the comments are dreadful, hopefully they don’t work with women who are suffering long term abuse, especially when it’s not outright obvious abuse at times or to anyone in the outside.. It’s like a Drip drip drip type of abuse and it does affect you mentally.Womens aid are always the best bet. Nothing you say will sound stupid and they understand all types of abuse and the long term effects of the abuse.

While your still with him, it will be hard for you to tell the children what he has done. After you leave you can tell them everything.

If you tell them now they are going to be upset / bewildered / shocked as to why you are still with him. Do you have an answer for them if they ask why your still with him ? Also once they know, they may start to feel uncomfortable around him.

Been thru simular situation with my parents when I was a child.

You have to leave him and then you can be honest as to why.