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Original poster

AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

169 replies

Nightingale222 · 22/04/2026 12:11

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

OP posts:
Heisrevising · 03/05/2026 08:13

There is a lot odd about this entire situation. But essentially two very unhappily married people, and growing up within this environment has resulted in two very unhappy adult children.

Original poster
Nightingale222 · 01/05/2026 16:46

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I'm not saying it does. My DS was struggling and was then diagnosed.

I know it's not a mental illness but it does bring it's challenges

OP posts:
Newbras · 01/05/2026 15:48

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Aloesue · 01/05/2026 13:19

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Original poster
Nightingale222 · 01/05/2026 13:15

Aloesue · 01/05/2026 12:06

You speak about your children like they are primary aged. These children are in their early and mid twenties, and they have lived under this roof and will be aware / endured the poisonous atmosphere between their parents all their lives. Their mother telling their father that she wants to end this very dark situation will no doubt give them huge relief. I suspect your DS mental health issues will exponentially improve

Edited

Well they will always be my babies, even in their 40s.😊

It hasn't all been doom and gloom I have shielded them from a lot.

DS has ADHD as do I.

OP posts:
Aloesue · 01/05/2026 12:06

You speak about your children like they are primary aged. These children are in their early and mid twenties, and they have lived under this roof and will be aware / endured the poisonous atmosphere between their parents all their lives. Their mother telling their father that she wants to end this very dark situation will no doubt give them huge relief. I suspect your DS mental health issues will exponentially improve

Original poster
Nightingale222 · 01/05/2026 11:46

Sorry I haven't been back on. No I haven't said anything yet.

My children have been around.

I spent the day yesterday hanging on for advice from the National Domestic Abuse helpline. They gave me some details of a drop in service where I can speak to someone in person. I spoke to them via their chat service as everyone at home.

My DS is going back to uni next week for his finals. He took a gap year after A levels and then repeated a year. He started uni when I was admitted to hospital. I feel so guilty that he has had to deal with all this.

Once I tell H my life is going to implode. He won't get physical.

Yes I know I am weak, I'm not trying to put things off but I'm struggling mentally.

Thanks for all the kind advice, going to the drop in centre next week and will speak to my H after.

OP posts:
BaffledAndBemusedToo · 01/05/2026 09:53

Nightingale222 · 22/04/2026 12:34

But it did come up last night. They were basically blaming me for making a scene. H was sat there too with a grin on his face.

I was struggling not to say anything.

Show quote history

In that case I would tell them. You’ve covered for him for too long, although they may never understand what that has cost you.

Aloesue · 01/05/2026 09:17

pteromum · 30/04/2026 20:34

OP I really hope that very soon you can reflect on this from elsewhere.

Your son has taken a gap year due to mental health. You have two adult children at home.

put them first and show them how to parent and teach them how to value themselves.

If you can’t do it for you do it for them. It’s been decades. And I get that’s harsh. but look at what he is doing to you all.

I agree. 100%

Aloesue · 01/05/2026 09:17

You ok @Nightingale222 ? How did he respond to you telling him that you are divorcing him?

pteromum · 30/04/2026 20:34

OP I really hope that very soon you can reflect on this from elsewhere.

Your son has taken a gap year due to mental health. You have two adult children at home.

put them first and show them how to parent and teach them how to value themselves.

If you can’t do it for you do it for them. It’s been decades. And I get that’s harsh. but look at what he is doing to you all.

Surprisednotusedb4 · 30/04/2026 14:41

Did you receive any money from your father?

Have you told your H that you want a divorce yet?

Original poster
Nightingale222 · 29/04/2026 21:48

NattyKnitter116 · 29/04/2026 15:17

I suspect this isn’t about the mother’s OCD, but more about the excuses you make for yourself in this situation. And I don’t mean that in a bad way - it’s just that you get so worn down that you self sabotage. I did it for years in two different relationships.

It has to get bad enough for some (and that threshold is very individual) that they feel they have no choice or the choice is made for them. It’s like being a slowly boiled frog. We don’t see any of this until we can get clear of the abuser.
She will get there, or she won’t. One thing I’ve learnt is you can’t convince someone to leave abuse. All you can do is light the path and keep the flame going.

Show quote history

No not at all, she is very hard to live with. I can do a few days but it's far too much.

Im going to tell H tomorrow that I want a divorce. Either he can get his family to help with a rental or the house will have to be sold.

I'm still looking for a job.

OP posts:
NattyKnitter116 · 29/04/2026 15:17

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 11:33

I think that if she can’t put aside her PCD to help her abused and incredibly vulnerable daughter - then that’s, well, crap.

Show quote history

I suspect this isn’t about the mother’s OCD, but more about the excuses you make for yourself in this situation. And I don’t mean that in a bad way - it’s just that you get so worn down that you self sabotage. I did it for years in two different relationships.

It has to get bad enough for some (and that threshold is very individual) that they feel they have no choice or the choice is made for them. It’s like being a slowly boiled frog. We don’t see any of this until we can get clear of the abuser.
She will get there, or she won’t. One thing I’ve learnt is you can’t convince someone to leave abuse. All you can do is light the path and keep the flame going.

NattyKnitter116 · 29/04/2026 15:12

CuntOfTheLitter · 29/04/2026 08:03

Completely agree but she herself was brought up in an abusive situation so …. How do you learn the skills, confidence and courage? Thisnis how these cycles are repeated.

Exactly. Plus it was a very different situation for women in years gone by and they didn’t have the rights that they have now. Our generation (I’m late 50’s) are so lucky to have more awareness and support. Even so, it’s been relatively late coming. Marital rape was still legal until 1991 and I can remember calling police when my so was a baby, so early 90’s and they ‘don’t get involved in domestics’. I vividly remember the change of tone when I called them again 10 years later. Total support, they came straight out. I was given a contact number for the local law centre etc. couldn’t have been more different.

sadly it seems that a lot of the resources that were available then have been decimated now.

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 14:02

Have you inherited anything from your father that might help with finances?

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 14:02

Nightingale222 · 29/04/2026 13:15

Don't understand why you posted this but yes.

He took a gap year and then repeated a year due to poor mental health. Leaving this year.

Show quote history

He has a girlfriend / boyfriend? Friends? Would he not want a flat share? Does he have an idea how he’s going to earn once graduated?

Original poster
Nightingale222 · 29/04/2026 13:17

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 11:33

I think that if she can’t put aside her PCD to help her abused and incredibly vulnerable daughter - then that’s, well, crap.

Show quote history

She can and would in a heartbeat. I would find it hard living with her, she is also a very negative person so not great to be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightingale222 · 29/04/2026 13:15

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 11:34

Your son lives away at uni
comes back for holidays
and he’s In his mid twenties!!

Don't understand why you posted this but yes.

He took a gap year and then repeated a year due to poor mental health. Leaving this year.

OP posts:
Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 11:34

Your son lives away at uni
comes back for holidays
and he’s In his mid twenties!!

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 11:33

Nightingale222 · 29/04/2026 10:36

Yes she is, I spend quite a bit of time with her.

She does have a spare room but she is very OCD so I would find it incredibly hard living with her. But I could if it gets too bad. Would feel awful leaving my son here.

My DD is very level headed, she will pull my H up on his behaviour. She is also in a very good relationship with someone who adores her. They have a very healthy relationship.

Show quote history

I think that if she can’t put aside her PCD to help her abused and incredibly vulnerable daughter - then that’s, well, crap.

Original poster
Nightingale222 · 29/04/2026 10:36

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 06:06

Is your mother still alive?

Yes she is, I spend quite a bit of time with her.

She does have a spare room but she is very OCD so I would find it incredibly hard living with her. But I could if it gets too bad. Would feel awful leaving my son here.

My DD is very level headed, she will pull my H up on his behaviour. She is also in a very good relationship with someone who adores her. They have a very healthy relationship.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 29/04/2026 08:53

Littlebigtoe · 23/04/2026 06:30

And it was on an aeroplane?

Show quote history

Why are you interrogating the OP? She's hear for support, not questioning. There are some very unpleasant responses on this thread.

OP I hope you can leave asap.

CuntOfTheLitter · 29/04/2026 08:03

Completely agree but she herself was brought up in an abusive situation so …. How do you learn the skills, confidence and courage? Thisnis how these cycles are repeated.

Theysignoffquick · 29/04/2026 07:58

CuntOfTheLitter · 29/04/2026 07:54

Fucking awful! He’s a mad bully. It’s destroyed my siblings’ self
esteem, me not so much but I am woefully apathetic in an aggressive situation.

I am the only one to have married and I’m really happy. My siblings are constantly in toxic relationships. He’s destroyed so much. Thanks dad!

I am going to put this as gently as I can.

Your mother was your parent and she stood by as this man destroyed her children’s childhood. Yes, she was being abused herself. But ultimately, she was your protector and she didn’t protect you