To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

Could you get a collapsible desk to use in her room when she's not there? I had one that i used when we lived in a flat and space was a bit of a premium, i used to fold it away and slide it under the bed at the end of the day, just wondered if that would be more acceptable if its not a permanent fixture in her room. I do think she's being unreasonable by the way, when my DH and I both work together from home on a friday i have to use the desk in my DDs room.

Step daughter didn’t ask to have to split her time between two homes. Each home is of equal value to her. Put DSin the big room and put dd in the box room. Put your home office in ds room.

This clearly isn’t that type of cancer given the circumstances

Clearly not, as OP has already said the house they’re living in now has a large mortgage which she wouldn’t be able to maintain alone.

The property does meet their needs. And DSD has her own space, when she’s there. Why do you think it’s reasonable that in OP’s situation she needs to have DSD’s room standing empty apart from four days a month, when space is at a premium ? How do you think DSD is going to be harmed by OP using a desk and a laptop in there when DSD isn’t even there ? OP is keeping everyone afloat and downsizing to make hers and her sons’ housing situation secure if worst happens and she loses her DH to cancer. That is the priority. The wants of a little girl, enabled by a father who is benefitting from OP’s generosity are way down the pecking order.

Absolutely this. I agree with previous posters that DSD has had a bad time recently and needs support and understanding, but OP is providing that now to an extent that most step parents wouldn’t even consider, so DSD needs to appreciate that in order for that to continue, a smaller house is necessary, and that there is no scope for having a room standing empty most of the time. She can’t have it both ways.

Lots of posters clearly have no clue as to employer requirements when it comes to WFH - you can’t be sat at a kitchen table with household stuff going on in the background. OP is keeping everyone afloat so the rest of the family needs to give her whatever space is needed if they want that to continue.

This thread is proof positive that MN hates step parents and opinion prevails that they should bend over backwards to accommodate a step child, and in this case it’s a teachable moment for the child that life doesn’t always go as planned and you can’t always have what you want. You have to learn to adapt and consider others otherwise you’re going to have a very hard time.

I admire you for contributing a significant amount of money to your SD's Mum so that they can stay in the same home. I hope the mother appreciates you. Put your desk in SD's large room. Tell her it's not a shared space, you just need to use a desk Mon-Fri and you won't touch her things. We have a similar setup. My SS has the larger bedroom. He's an adult now, but when he was younger he was only with us every second weekend and some school holidays. My son has the smaller room. When covid lockdowns hit, my husband started working from home so he used, (and still uses 6 years later) my SS room as his office. You have to do what works best for your family and financial situation. I hope your husband's health improves. You're looking after everyone as best as you can and you need your own space to work.

Life isn't ideal and sometimes throws shit circumstances our way. We just have to make do and do our best. It sounds like you have the following options:

SD in box room, but she has to have a single bed. You use son's bedroom as an office.

S in box room, SD has to have your desk in her room and you use it during the large percentage of time she isn't there. It's just how it has to be.

You stay where you are so your DH and SD get their way, but you stop paying more than required to the mother of SD.

DH finds a way to bring in some extra money in spite of his health issues, if at all possible.

No option is good here. You'll have to choose the best of a range of bad options. Hopefully your DH recovers and things can get better again. Stressful all round OP and no perfect solution, though it seems just having a desk in SD's mostly unused room is the simplest.

This is absolutely bloody ridiculous what I'm reading on here. Mumsnet at its best, slating stepmums.
@SamphireSupper - you are bending over backwards here in an attempt to please everyone but yourself. This is your job - you are the breadwinner and everyone's well-being depends on that, including somehow, your dh's ex.
Since when did children's wants, biological or steps, take precedence over everyone else? This is getting out of hand, in my view. Your sd will have "her" room when she stays over but would I chuff be working in the fucking kitchen with a perfectly fine room upstairs sitting like some sort of shrine the rest of the time.
It can be furnished/decorated to please her, sure. But you canNOT be expected to not use a room in YOUR house, that YOU pay for (not to mention the fact that you're also facilitating the house she lives in with her mother) because she's being a princess about it (and her father is enabling that).

Stand firm.

I probably would have put a desk in the room , as surely she’ll need one for homework, and not tell her that it’s my workspace during the week

You're right

I wonder why they don't just buy a ten bedroom house... 😕

You think entering a room is invading privacy?

she’s going to be sitting at a desk, not settling down with a cuppa to read her diary.

Then you are lucky to not need to use all the spaces in your home. Many of us have to have multipurpose designed rooms in every room of the house.

The key is to have good communication and household discussions so that everyone can agree to do the best for each other with what you have available.

I wouldn’t dream of invading my son’s privacy like that

All the ones up to your post, which was one. Scanned more of the rest. Plenty of compromises all round to be made.

I hope you don’t shower or go to the toilet at home without your 4yo, and sleep with them too. They are not too young to be in their bedroom unsupervised, my 4yo is at the wonderful stage of being happy to play without waking me in the morning.

Have you read all of her posts?

If it’s not up to SD and it’s not up to DP then it can’t either be up to OP either…so who is not up to?

On top of you not wanting to be in your bedroom 18 hours a day, your husband is going to need space to rest. It's completely unfeasible that he can do so in your bedroom while you're working.

Op please please use the room when not being used, it is what every other family does and please do not feel bad about it just due to the label of step, you are amazing just even thinking about it X the SD won't know or care, and it's your home.

Would you not use your child’s room for something when they are not in it?
I would think absolutely nothing of sitting at my daughter’s desk if she wasn’t home.
does that mean she doesn’t have her own space?

Money no issue for you then

You are being unreasonable to move into a property that is not big enough for your needs. And deciding that this means that your step daughter can’t have her own space

I would make sure there’s a desk in SD’s room and then just go ahead and use it when she isn’t there.
You don’t have to poke through her stuff.

It is a perfectly reasonable suggestion I don’t understand why people are giving you grief over it

OP, exactly how much is your DH digging his heels in over this and has it caused rows? Is he likely to see your view point or is he being really stubborn?