To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

OP didn’t post for advice on leaving her DP. He has a cancer diagnosis and may not be thinking straight. If a man posted suggesting he leave his sick wife because she was being a bit selfish he’d be torn to shreds. This isn’t stuff to end your relationship over. It’s sit down and discuss it. The alternative is that OP and her DP stay where they are and OP stops paying CMS to his ex to facilitate that. They can’t have it both ways, and it’s my bet that if DSD’s mum was aware that this was the considered alternative, she’d be telling DSD to suck it up.

I agree with this. Get rid OP, make your life easier

OP has addressed all these points. And why are you dismissing OP as the breadwinner when she is picking up £600 of her DP’s CMS payments that he can no longer afford, and that she is not legally obliged to cover, so DSD doesn’t have reduced circumstances at home ? OP works from home, she’s said multiple times we’re talking about a laptop at a desk. DSD is there four days a month and to have the room standing empty in her absence the rest of the time is utterly ridiculous.

How about the two of them respecting OP’s feelings and allowing her a proper workspace given that she’s supporting the equivalent of two families here ? The urge to give step children everything they ask for out of some sort of misplaced guilt is batshit - she’s thirteen, she can’t dictate what happens to ‘her’ room when she’s not there when space is at a premium and life circumstances have changed.

Perhaps suggest to your partner he returns to his Ex., would be great for his daughter.
Let them work it out.

I think they have a complete fool made out of you.
Carrying it all with YOUR job, and he thinks his daughters large bedroom should be kept empty while you work in the kitchen.

I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship faced with such selfishness.

Sounds like you're all having a really tough time of it, and like you're shouldering a lot OP.

Yanbu. I don't know the right way forward but YANBU.

I’ve read all of your posts and honestly I think you are right to put your foot down on this. She gets the nice big room, you are only there when she is not. Everyone is making sacrifices here, it is what it is.

I think step daughter should be given the box room, given she is there so rarely, and a child of 13 does not need a double bed - a single will suffice and she can decorate the room as she likes.

If DP would like you to work in the kitchen but you don’t want people around, how about he and DS have to stay out of the kitchen for the 2 hours a day you’d all be home until you finish work? So DP has to spend more time in his bedroom rather than you and is making some of the sacrifice to get what he wants?

Why aren’t people understanding that SD’s room isn’t going to be an office too?
it’s going to be her room, OP will just be sitting at her desk when she’s not there.

i have a spare room come office. There’s a single day bed, a bedside cabinet, my desk and a constant set up of a large monitor, a keyboard, a laptop and a printer.
THAT would feel unwelcoming and is if the bed is a temporary mesure. Because it is.
The OP is talking about the kind of setup thousands if not more teens/preteens have in the bedrooms, mine included.

Your husband isn’t working due to ill health so being the breadwinner isn’t that relevant really.

What do you mean? She's the only one supporting her family and significantly contributing to SDs mother's finances as well. How is her ability to work not relevant?

And again, OP is not proposing to set up a full office and ask SD to sleep next to her folders and files. All she wants is to buy SD a desk and use it when SD is not there.

Honestly it’s a rubbish situation all round and it sounds like everyone needs to compromise (you are losing a dedicated office, DS is getting a box room, DSD has to accept you’ll use her space when she isn’t there). Only other option might be to keep looking at houses and try and find something that has 2 smaller reception rooms plus a kitchen and 3 bedrooms so you retain an office (something a bit like this one though perhaps ideally where both living spaces have own door from hall - https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/173400005 )

She’ll feel really unwelcome and like she’s not part of the family if her room is your office too. Do you have the option to work from an office? Can you set up a desk from your own room? There are some great hideaway desk options now. Your husband isn’t working due to ill health so being the breadwinner isn’t that relevant really. You’re supposed to be a team and respect his feelings. She doesn’t need a double bed though.

Dont be silly

The desk goes in the biggest room, if she wants that room then she accepts the desk lives there.

based on 15 years insurance experience so I hope the op takes seriously

Good advice.

And hopefully combine it with a chat about income protection and insurances

How? By giving her a bigger room than her brother? Or by using a desk in the corner when she's not there?

Agreed. Hence my recommendation.

Oh goodness, this would be a real concern if I was the op then

It sounds like it, she has said what would happen in the event of her DP's death, so I would assume so.

Has the op confirmed she knows her husband’s will?

Yes, upthread I did suggest that she take financial advice.

Definitely unreasonable she needs to feel part of the family and welcome. You're deliberately making her unwelcome and feeling less than which is wrong.

i am hoping the op does have these pretty basics protections in place