To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

YANBU. She uses it 4 nights a month, your DS should not have his room permanently disrupted with a desk. For a while we had to repurpose the step-kids room into our office before we moved into a 4 bed. We didn’t even consider using DS’s room.

I have a cream/white dressing table bought from M & S. I have a triple folding mirror on it. If you took the triple mirror off, it could be used as a desk during the week and then back to a dressing table for your SD to put her perfume and bits and bobs at the weekend?

Stay in your current house do not downsize. DH pays less maintenance to his ex, that is not your fault it’s just how things are. You cannot give up a house that you need with a work space for you.

and btw remember you are the breadwinner here and you need your own office. You pay the mortgage so an office is non negotiable.

if DH and SD think otherwise and have no respect for this then I’d just move to a new home with your DS.

Well exactly. Just put a desk in sd’s bedroom “for her studies” as she’s getting nearer to gcse years. Then work at the desk in her room as she’s never there when you’re working anyway.

The OP has updated on what the other solution would be - and that’s adjusting the amount of CSA her DP pays his ex. If they paid that inline with his current earnings, they’d be able to keep a bigger house. His daughters lifestyle when with her mum would certainly take a hit though.
personally, I think this is the lesser of two evils.

Have you missed the part where Op is the breadwinner? If she can't work in peace there will be no house let alone a room for DSD!

I think Step children- particularly when in the teen years- need to feel that they are truly and genuinely integrated into both families.

Your plan doesn't do that. It makes her feel like an afterthought and that she is at best a guest.

I truly think you need to find another solution. The solution is obvious to you, but it runs the risk of causing severe emotional damage and isolation for your SD.

To be honest I would be having the box room Asan office and SD would get a sofa bed in lounge if she’s only there EOW, we can’t all go round having masses of spare rooms saved for kids or grown adult kids who are no longer living there. I realise that’s probably not what she would like but I think you have to explain reasons to her - life isn’t always fair -

DP and SD don’t want this.

Tough ? 🤷‍♀️ they can not want it all they want. It actually doesn't affect either of them. Except for the fact that it allows you to support them.

You won't be using it when SD is there. There is no overlap, its not even really sharing the room. Put a desk in her room. She can use it for homework, during the week when shes not there you use it for work.

Not many people can afford to have a whole room to be left empty 80% of the time. Compromises have to be made.

Yanbu as it’s a room that’s sat empty mon-Friday every week.

It should still be her bedroom though, just with a desk in it that you work from (rather than being your office with a bed in it for her to sleep on).
Presumably at 13 she won’t want pink and glittery unicorns and will probably be into something quite tasteful and minimalist (if my teen daughters are anything to go by).

@Manxexile 🤣🤣🤣

She's trying to say that it isn't SD's bed. It's OP and DP's bed that SD is kindly being allowed to.sleep in.
I think that's a dangerous approach.

I think the bottom line is that this will likely cause long term conflict in your relationship. The cheapest houses around here are mid terraces and have a seperate dining room. Wouldn't it be better to back out of the sale and find something that suits everyone better?

Why does what SD (who’s there for at most 4 days) wants, trump what you want? It’s in the family’s interests for you to be able to work well, and having your own space is an important part of that. your ‘D’ P should recognise that, and back you.

I would say the options are:

1. SD has the bigger bedroom and you use it as an office (she won't even know if you're working when she's over)
2. SD has the smaller room and loses her double bed.

Her and your husband can't dictate everything. Especially as you're the main earner and need somewhere to work. Plus she's only over EOW. Unfortunately you've had to downsize due to his inability to work, he can't have it all ways. You've not got the space to allow one room to sit empty whilst you work in a communal area.

You think of it as a room to utilise. Your SD and DP think of it as a teenager's bedroom.

You're thinking with logic and with the emotion of prioritising your needs/wants. Your SD and DP are thinking with their emotion of needing SD to feel wanted and to belong.

If you want your blended family to be happy and exist without resentment you're all going to have to consider each other's perspectives more than you are doing and be less rigid in your approach.

It doesn't work (or shouldn't work) like this when there are children involved including blended families

I’m currently working in my daughter’s room whilst our guest room is occupied by family. I’ve been here 8 weeks and she is yet to notice!

@BarbiesDreamHome - "... On another point, SD doesn't have a double bed, you and DP have a double bed in the room she uses when she stays over..."

Sorry but i don't understand this?

The OP has said that the SD does have a double bed.

The OP and her DP have already got a double bed in their own room. Why would they have another in the SD's room?

Several options - all bad

Worst options for OP - working in her bedroom (I’d hate that), a cupboard, or paying for an additional space. Working in a 4yo room also bad.

Worst option for dsd - sharing with her brother to free up box room for an office followed some distance behind by having her dsm in her room when she isn’t there.

If choosing a different house isn’t an option I would be inclined to get a folding table and set it up on Monday morning with laptop and other gubbins and remove the whole kit a caboodle on Friday before dsd arrives. I think sharing an actual desk could lead to conflict - you are both likely to leave stuff on it. Privacy is important, particularly at that age, but I’d bet diamonds someone else is doing the cleaning in there. I would tell her that it’s happening but leave zero evidence of it ever.

She said 'I'm not paying for a house that..' I took that as her meaning her contribution towards the mortgage.

She said it's her buying it.

Absolutely not. She's not keeping a double bed if the space doesn't allow for it - especially for use twice a month!

Your son will also want/need more space as he grows up, so putting him in the box room is only deferring the issue down the road.

If there's a significant size difference in rooms then I'd consider putting DS in master bedroom with an office in the corner. You and DP in the middle room. SD in box room.

DH responsible for keeping DS entertained/out of the way/quiet while you're working. He could take him to the park after school, go to the shops for that day's dinner etc.