To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

I feel like 100-odd posts have tried to explain this and the people on the YANBU side just are not getting it.

Because (whether fair or not) it sends a message to the SD that:

• It's not her room first and foremost but her SM's office / spare room that she stays in sometimes
• Where she would fit was an afterthought when they bought this house
• She is not welcome at the house any more frequently than she currently visits (as her room will not be available)
• She is being treated differently to her brother

How would her emotional needs be impacted though? She gets a bedroom.if her own... a tiny portion of it is used by the bill payer (of both her houses) whilst she's not even there! Tbh she wouldn't ever even have noticed if the OP didn't hadn't told her in advance

I think what it comes down to is some posters and the OP are solely focused on ensuring a child's practical needs are met (shelter, food etc) and seem to place less importance on the emotional needs of a child. A lot of the posters don't seem to consider the emotional needs AT ALL tbh and don't even understand where the posters on the other side are coming from.

So how does this step child have a shitty deal when OP is voluntarily picking up CMS because her DH can no longer afford to pay it ? She’s doing her best to provide for her and the simple fact is that OP using DSD’s room as her workspace while she’s not in it, isn’t going to impact DSD in any way at all. That a thirteen year old girl, should be allowed to dictate what happens to a room in someone else's house that she only uses four days a month is utterly ridiculous in any event, but in OP’s circumstances it really doesn’t fly.

I don’t know why you bothered asking. You had clearly already made the decision and wanted validation.

Stepchildren already have a shitty deal that is not of their making.

Because SD only uses it 13% of the time and it actually has no effect whatsoever on her life of OP works in there the other 26 days a month. Children do not have "their own" room. They do not pick the house, they do not make decisions about the child: bedroom ratio and they do not pay any rent or mortgage. They have use of a room in the house within the bounds of the rules set by their parents, and they have a right to privacy when they are in it.

Absolutely. And what would people do if the grandparents came to stay for a couple of days - would they still keep the SD's room empty and ask the grandparents to sleep on a sofabed downstairs?!

So many people advising the OP to put a desk in her bedroom. So she will then leave a room empty and face additional stress, poor work/life balance, and diminished sleep hygiene on top of being the breadwinner, caring for her sick husband, supporting her child, her stepchild AND the husband’s ex?

So she is only there four days a month? Of course you can use that room as your office how would she even know anyway?

Put it in your room, don't make it you and them.... Life's too short, your sd deserves the same in her house as your son!

OP you should set a desk up in your own bedroom. That’s the best solution all round, and you shouldn’t not do it just because you ‘don’t want to’. The children’s bedrooms should be theirs.

I work for my bedroom, and sometimes sit downstairs with my laptop if I fancy a change of scene. I think suggesting losing your job because of working from your bedroom is ridiculously dramatic. It sounds like you just don’t fancy it.

You need to look at options for your work setup. Ergonomically, a dining room setup is not great. The kitchen table is an even worse idea (chair).

Tell your DH that you will need to return to the office (costs for comuting etc) or you will need a serviced office and.that this cost will negate the benefits of.downsizing.

SD, can share with you or take the box room, I know.shat she will.choose.

Musical bloody chairs!

Of course he could sleep in the daughters room when she’s not there or even the sons room

Tough! OP is currently the breadwinner while hopefully dp improves.
Reasonably, at all costs she must be able to preserve her employment or everyone suffers.

Everyone must muck in or she walks. Simples! There is no other reasonable resolution.

In OP’s position, wouldn’t have the headspace to negotiate this.

It would be my way or the highway even tho I would try to explain the rationality.

I can't understand why people think it is appropriate to keep a room empty 90% of the time, when a family is struggling for space. Dsd stays every other weekend and the room can be cleared of work related stuff for those days. She shouldn't really notice the difference.

It could - but then the dh couldn't use it to rest during the day, and the OP will sleep and work all day in the same room (which is not advised) meanwhile there is an empty room along the corridor.

Why can’t your desk go in your room?

Can the compromise not be that your stepchild chooses their own table/desk or even better a make up table with mirror that you can sit at?
If you are on a laptop anyway, I don't see the problem.

Why do OPs start these threads? Genuine question. End up spending an entire day arguing with strangers about something you are absolutely crystal clear in your own mind is absolutely not unreasonable. I don’t get it!

duplicate.

You know, at this point (unless OP has resolved this to her satisfaction) I think I'd be telling DH "Maybe we should 'downsize' to two 2-bed flats. That way everyone has their own room. Problem solved?". That's tongue in cheek of course, but at this point if I were OP I'd be looking out for myself and my own child. Since obviously her DH is only looking out for himself and DSD.

So everyday during the summer holidays etc the child can't go into his room... while the other room sits empty 85% of the week.

It just isn't logical.

Yes, the girls world has been turned upside down. And the OP is actually outting her own family to the bottom of the pile and downsizing so that SD can still have the same lifestyle at her mother's... despite it being absolutely not the OPs responsibility.

I find it just bonkers tbh.

You sound like a good person OP and you’re juggling a lot of difficult issues that aren’t of your making.

I hope you get everything worked out.

He's 4 though - if he comes home and his mum is working in "his" room, he will be running in to see her every 5 minutes