To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

Put a desk in your bedroom. Your sd needs a room.

It's 100% an adult decision what bed their child sleeps in. To extrapolate that into red flag toxic behaviour because a single bed is a "downgrade" and punishment is madness.

Parents make loads of decisions about what kids are allowed, whether they own them or not, like decisions about and confiscating gifts like smartphones and ipads.

I haven't for a moment suggested taking a bed away from a child. But if a double doesn't fit the new room, then the adult sells the double and gets a single. It's a practical decision, not controlling or spiteful or mean.

One of those desks with doors on it could work well - all packed away at the weekend (without having to pull it out of the room.)
We use one of the dc's bedrooms for some general storage in one cupboard - it's the price of having the bigger room!
something like this:

Sweetheart @SamphireSupper ypu have so much on your plate and the fact that you’re on meds already concerns me. You can’t crack, and you know it. You’re holding all this up in the air.

put the desk in the room and don’t negotiate on this. You’re the one paying for all of this and the stress is killing you. If you lost your job (I know you know this) the whole pack of cards comes down. The £700, the house, everything, and you still have all the dreadful stuff to deal with your DH treatment etc.

therefore the desk goes in the bedroom. It’s just a fucking desk! And you wouldn’t need it at any time while she’s there.

why are you even asking her? Your H needs to be far more onside with you on this. Tell him that he doesn’t get to tell you how you should work when you’re the one carrying all the responsibility atm. There has to be some give and take, and this is when you need to take.

id also recommend that you reduce the £700 a bit. Just to give you and your family a little breathing room. Even just a couple of hundred quid would help you keep the plates spinning.

If they did, they'd be doing it on the basis of about half the story anyway. Weird the way the description left out the way that breadwinner's salary is essential for multiple households experiencing several serious problems...

@SamphireSupper Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your DP diagnosis, you must be so worried and exhausted by holding things together. Secondly, your posts show how much sympathy you have, and continue to have, for SD, her mum and her other siblings, I applaud your compassion.

Right now you are the central lynchpin to keeping everyone afloat. Neither household will be able to survive if you lose your job. You must prioritise being able to work and keep a roof over your family's head. It may feel mercenary to put your needs first but the reality is we are economically on the cusp of a global recession and the job market is dire. The suggestion of a multipurpose room is the most ideal solution.

Do you know why your DP is so against this solution? Is he struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis/treatment/life changes? The diagnosis must have been a huge shock to you both, is he dealing with things or burying his head in the sand? Obviously you know your DP partner better than a random stranger on the internet but in your shoes I would map out the practicalities and lead him through the options. He may be hugely struggling and just be taking a stand just because the world feels out of control. I wish you and your family the best going forward.

I am sorry to hear of your situation.

Just picking up on your point that if DP were to die, you would be able to afford the smaller place on your own. Can I ask if you have mortgage protection insurance on DP's life that would clear the mortgage in the event of DP's death? If so, if the mortgage were to be paid off, then would you not be able to stay in your current hom in this worse case scenario? Obviously if there is no mortgage protection insurance in your DP's name, then this will not apply.

These responses are bonkers!

Every other week you say? Your idea is perfect. She has a room and you have an office that is used 5 days a week. There is no overlap!

We have stored furniture in bedrooms before whilst we are decorating, we don’t ask the children! And they barely bat an eyelid. Your DH may be making this a bigger deal
than it is. It’s going to be decorated as a bedroom with a desk somewhere! Not like you’re asking her to sleep in a cold wet office!

I initially questioned why you don’t put your son in the bigger room but with the amount you would work from home this makes 100% sense.

For what it’s worth I think it’s a great idea!

I really don’t think you are being at all unreasonable. In fact I think that you are going above and beyond to try and please everyone. If it was a room you were making into your office with a pull out bed shoved into the corner then yes I could see why your DP and SD may feel like she is being pushed out, but from your posts it sounds like all trace of it being your office, other than a desk that she can use herself, will be removed for the times she will be staying with you. You appear to be supporting everyone in this scenario (including people who you have no obligation to support) which is only possible because of your job so I think the least your DP can do is to give you the space you need to carry on doing your job as comfortably as possible. I really feel for your SD as clearly she has been going through a difficult time but it will only get more difficult if you end up losing your job due to the stress of not having a proper work space and distractions from the other people in the home. I hope your husband’s treatment goes well and that you can get him to see that your solution is the best for everyone all round

He left her with debts as well.

Of course not. Doesn’t mean they’re right, given the circumstances. And as l said, l haven’t seen any threads with these specific circumstances, so these are assumptions.

I'm not sure what your job is but all I need to wfh is a laptop and somewhere to sit at it. So surely it would just be a case of putting a table and chair in SD's room that you occasionally sit at? it's not like having a big old 90s PC.

Agree. Just do it. Have a lockable drawer in the big room for your work stuff and be out of the room by the time SD arrives. She will hardly notice.

No mention of maintenance from him, or DLA that I can see. Possibly she's getting neither. The XP seems to have got off remarkably lightly here

Since the father of the other two kids has scarpered we don’t know if he’s actually paying any maintenance - unless I’ve missed something to that effect. And the monthly income may be higher, but if her two children are disabled enough to be in receipt of child DLA, the outgoings on disability related costs will likely be much higher too.

I agree OP - yours is the most logical option. I'm sure it's an emotional response, the SD not wanting anyone using her room, but it is a practical solution.

On UC you have to declare any payments you receive and DWP decide what’s counted and what’s not. Anything paid officially by CMS or a declared private child maintenance arrangement is not counted. Anything unearned - cash gifts or money transfers from friends or family are generally not counted although they still have to be declared along with details of what they’re for, and again DWP make the decision on what is and isn’t counted. Any regular or larger payments outside these parameters would be subject to more scrutiny.

Two lots of child maintenance, plus universal credit, plus DLA for the kids..I bet she’s on a much higher monthly income than you op

You think if a woman came on here and said I have cancer and have had to cut down my hours at work and my husband says he can make big decisions without me because he earns more and has agreed to keep paying towards my child, that people would advise her: "His money, his house, his rules. You and your DC will have to suck it up." ?

Why ? DSD is only there 4 days a month. Sorry but l really don’t think OP is unreasonable in not allowing a thirteen year old to dictate what she does with the room when DSD is not there. There has got to be compromise and it seems OP is the only one looking for it.

I think you are being entirely reasonable in your approach and sensible on the finances.

As it stands there are two choices that I can see.

• Stay put, CMS reduces to £100. SD and by extension the rest of her family suffer.
• Stay put, SD moves to live with you FT and goes to her mum at weekends. CMS moves to £100 or whatever is proportionate.
• Move and SD accepts that someone uses her room mid week and she gains a desk on the weekend to do her homework, chat to friends, etc.

People adapt and they will both get over the change. I can't imagine that a house move on top of cancer is filling anyone with glee but especially both of them. He will feel responsible and it may feel like she is being pushed out or you are already preparing for his death?

13 is young but she sounds like she is quite possibly older than her years. You know her better than we do but I'd be inclined to sit her down and talk her through the choices. Her Dad is sick, you can cover his payments to her mum and are happy to do so but it's not a bottomless pit. What's more important is that they have a safe home to spend time together while he is in treatment and hopefully down the line, in recovery. There's no reason she can't be with you as a family every Friday night onwards to spend time with him and her half brother once you have logged off.

Depends on whether the husband was keeping up CMS payments for his step child when he’s not obliged to. Not sure there are any comparable threads on MN - the situation isn’t a common one.

Another option is the son goes in the big room. And that has bunk beds on it. When sister stays, she gets the room to herself, and son comes to stay in with his parents. Op gets a study in the box room. She could also get a sofa bed for the box room for when dsd or a guest comes to stay.

Some people have clearly never WFH...well I have, for years. Headspace is important. Not having it is a one way street to disaster.

Jesus wept, what now ? You think a SM who continues a CMS payment she can Ill afford so that her DSD’s circumstances are not reduced is emotionally abusive ?