To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

Seriously, no! The 4yo LIVES there. He is entitled to a home with his own room where he can play if he wants to, much like SDD has in her main home!

He absolutely does NOT have to give up what SDD has at home so that she can have it in both places. Absolutely ridiculous.

Families have to manage with the circumstances that they have not the ones they wish they had. It is not unreasonable for children to understand that a parent's work must be a priority, especially when that work is supporting everybody.

SDD has her own room in her main home.
DS should have the same in his.
That is equitable.

Parents should do everything they can to ensure the NEEDS of their children are met before their own. Children's WANTS are a different matter and absolutely don't come above the NEEDS of all family members.

SDD does not need to maintain control over the bedroom she has at OP's house when she is not there. She does not need to dictate what furniture goes in there. That's what she WANTS.

SDD NEEDS to know that she is a welcome and valued family member. OP is providing her a room for her sole use whilst she is there. This meets the needs of SDD.

Honestly those of you suggesting that SDD should be able to have two rooms for her own sole use, at her own main home and at OP's, whilst DS is expected to give the room over to his mum's work during working hours are absolutely ridiculous. This sort of crazy projecting of feelings instead of proactive, kind and supportive management which provides appropriate boundaries and understanding of the difference between needs and wants is what leads to unhappiness and instability in children.

I know, you’d be so miserable rolling out of bed to the desk and that’s your life. Add in if dh is terminally ill he’s probably going to be sleeping later / needing naps, so the op would get kicked out of the bedroom in her regular workday- just no. You’d want to burn the house down.

I confess I’m normally camp step children first.

But the DH may have terminal cancer & the OP is stressed and doing her best by SD. What more can anyone expect of her right now.

I’d give SD a choice. If she wants a room with no desk for OP she takes the box, if not the OP uses the desk in her double.

The 4 year old can play downstairs.

I would be destroyed mentally if I worked from my bedroom. I don’t want to wake up & go to sleep looking at my desk. I also don’t want to spend most of 24 hours in one room.

Some people have to, the OP doesn’t.

The OP is carrying this entire family, is stressed and doesn’t want to work in her bedroom.

OP is paying for CMS to make sure that DSD isn’t impacted by her father’s inability to pay and so that her quality of life at home with her mum isn’t impacted. This wasn’t an afterthought it’s what OP can afford, given that she’s now paying £600 a month for a child that isn’t hers. OP has said the room will be available whenever DSD visits and of course she’s welcome. People on MN lose their minds when it comes to stepchildren and your post just highlights that.

Any updates, OP?

So the children’s bedroom should be “theirs” but the OP, who is paying for the house can’t have her room as “hers” when there will be a bedroom that sits empty for 20 days out of 28?!

The OP should sleep in her room from 10-6 and work in that room from 9-5?

this is honestly one of the most hilarious things I’ve read…

buy a house that gives everyone their own room, but don’t dare consider using a room for work while it’s not being used by anyone else!

why not move a fridge and a camping stove in your room too, OP, then you’ll never need to leave! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Have you decided what you are going to do?

Completely agree with this. You’re paying the bills and supporting the family. Yes we all want stuff, but that’s not how life works. Tough, they’ll just have to suck it up.
You’re supporting the whole family so they just have to do what’s best for you to support you in keeping going and do your job otherwise everyone will suffer.

Because if the OP loses her job or can’t cope with her work because she doesn’t have a dedicated quiet space to do that work, none of the SDs needs will be met at all - there will be no money for either of her houses, for food, clothes etc. So step child or not stepchild there are times when everyone in a family has to compromise and this is one of those times.

Exactly this. She's old enough to understand that the downsizing is actually happening to help HER mother... therefore ensuring consistency at her main residence. She's still getting a double room at her Dad's.

DSD is thirteen. She’s having a tough time because of everything going on in her life so she thinks she should be pandered to. DP’s only concern seems to be enabling his DD to get her own way. OP using her room to sit at a a desk with a laptop will have zero effect on DSD because she’s not there when it’s happening. To all intents and purposes, on her return, the room will be as she left it.

It’s an unreasonable concern because space is at a premium and OP doesn’t have the luxury of leaving the room unused when DSD is not there. At thirteen she’s old enough to be asked to make compromises in a difficult situation and to understand that OP is trying to do her best for her.

What ‘concerns’? DSD is only there four days a month. She hardly keeps any of her belongings there and OP is talking about sitting at a desk with a laptop, not turning the room into a home office. It will have zero impact on DSD and DH’s only ‘concern’ is enabling his DD to get her own way. It’s a difficult situation and everyone has to make compromises. DSD doesn’t get a free pass because she’s a step child - especially not when her step mum is continuing to pay CMS to ensure her well being at her mum’s.

🙄 Or tell everyone... This is what needs to happen. The OP is carrying the weight of 4 children (only 1 of whom os hers) and 2 other adults (who aren't currently able to finance and potentially house their kids without the OP).... she gets to be a tiny bit selfish and just put her foot down.

No. If the OP working in the SD’s bedroom is the only option then I think the OP needs to address the SD and the DP’s concerns.

Would it be more reasonable for SDs mother to not be able to afford her rent and have to downsize and move out of the area?

Then why do you think the SD and DP don’t want the room to also be OP’s office?

And why are you so sure it’s an unreasonable concern?

Nope. None of this.

You don’t know it’s just a laptop, it could be a lot of paperwork, equipment etc.

yes we do, OP said it's just a laptop

And stick some flowers/a make up mirror on it for when she comes round.

I'd say it's about how you word it. As your sd I'd take it better if you were asking to "sometimes" working at her desk. You won't leave anything around when she's there I guess. That way, it's her room, not a multifunctional space.

Because it’s not just about a laptop. It’s the identity of the room. The room is ‘multifunctional’ as the SM’s office and SD’s room. That’s literally the title of the thread. You don’t know it’s just a laptop, it could be a lot of paperwork, equipment etc.

Because she’s working in the room 9-5pm 5 days a week.
That basically rules out the SD living there through the week or on the holidays.
Which could be something she might want in the future if things became challenging with her mum or to spend more time with her dad as he’s ill.

Ultimately the SD has an issue with the idea of it. Most likely for one or more of the reasons above and because she wants her privacy and to belong. Rather than just telling her she’s wrong and unreasonable the OP and her DP should be looking for ways to reassure her and minimise the disruption. The OP hasn’t told us specifically what the issue is though for posters to even try and meaningfully help.

1. how does a laptop in there on the desk when she isn't there mean it isn't the SDs room?

2. SD is getting the bigger room, they clearly thought about her but can't afford a 4th room. (I say they; OP is funding everything).

3)Why does it mean SD isn't welcome for more time? A laptop is easily moved.

4)Her brother doesn't live in 2 houses.

And the 100-odd posts that explain its not the SMs responsibility to house the SD and to pay over the odds maintenance at 7x the CMS rate when her two actual biological parents can't reasonably do it are just ignored.

A laptop in a room the days SD isn't there didn't even need to be discussed realistically... she wouldn't even know!

And yes, she is being treated different to her brother who is the OPs biological child living there 24/7. However I am actually of the opinion that OP shouldn't downsize and should cut back on the 700quid a month until such time her DP has recovered.

Her father is ill. Sacrifices have to be made.

It's not her room first and foremost but her SM's office

But it's not. She is not planning to have any of her things there. All she wants is to use the desk when the room is not used.